How to Look Beyond Romance to Love as Jesus Does

Editor’s note: The following is a report on the practical application of Clare and Eli's book, Altared: The True Story of a She, a He, and How They Both Got Too Worked Up About We (WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group, 2012).

Many Christians focus intently on finding someone to marry and then trying to live happily ever after in those marriages. They place such importance on romantic love that they may come to think of it as the pinnacle of their spiritual pursuits.

God doesn’t place nearly so much importance on marriage, though. Yes, God did create marriage to fulfill good purposes in people’s lives on Earth (there’s no marriage in heaven). But romantic love is just one expression of love, and Jesus wants those who follow Him to learn how to love as He does. 

Focusing too much on marriage can distract you from Jesus’ greater call on your life: to learn how to wholeheartedly love God and other people. Whether you’re single (as Jesus chose to be on Earth) or married, you can learn to love the best when you shift your focus away from romance and toward Jesus’ example. Here’s how:

Realize that singleness and marriage are equally valuable states. Although people in many church cultures unfortunately often make single people feel inferior to married people, God values single people just as much as He values married people. While many churches are oriented around nuclear families headed by married couples, from God’s perspective, the worldwide family of believers is what matters most. So if you’re single, don’t feel as if you have to get married to be complete or fully loved, or that you have to settle for a potential spouse whom you don’t truly sense God calling you to marry, simply to get married by a certain age. If you’re married, don’t pressure the single people you know to get married, but give them the freedom to follow God’s plans for them, in His timing. Rest assured that God loves you and wants to work powerfully through your life, no matter what your current marital status.

Love your neighbors. Expand your list of people to love to include many more than just the people who are closest to you, such as your spouse (if you’re married), other family members and friends. God’s call for you to love your neighbors means loving everyone you encounter in life – all the people around you now, plus all the people you happen to meet. If you spend so much time and energy focusing on finding or attending to a spouse that your life becomes myopically centered around marriage, you can’t faithfully love your neighbors as God intends. Decide to make it a high priority to reach out in love to the people you meet every day – especially people in need (such as those who are poor, sick, imprisoned, or outcasts in society). Spend time daily in prayer and meditating on Jesus’ words in the Bible about loving your neighbors. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you start seeing people as God sees them, and to give the compassion you need to treat them with real love.

Love your enemies. Ask God to help you love those difficult people you know – the ones who won’t return your love. Rather than holding grudges against them, ask the Holy Spirit to guide and empower you through the process of forgiving them. Instead of avoiding your enemies are even just putting up with them peaceably, Jesus calls you to pray for them and express real love when interacting with them. So keep in mind that all people are worthy of dignity and respect because God has made them, and ask God to help you relate to your enemies through the power of His love working through you.

Surrender your personal desires to Jesus so you can pursue what’s best for you. Be willing to surrender your desire for a husband or wife (if you’re single) or for a happy marriage (if you’re married) so those desires don’t dominate your life and prevent you from experiencing the full range of what God intends for you. View your deepest desires as opportunities to give what’s dear to your heart to Jesus so He can give you what’s best for you (which may or may not include your personal desires). Letting go of what you want frees you up to receive what God wants for you, which is beyond what you could imagine for yourself. It also frees you up to follow Jesus’ example of denying yourself so you can fully love others, giving generously however God may call you to do so. Be ready to say “yes” to God when He calls you to sacrifice your time, money, energy, emotions, or expectations in order to fully love Him and other people. Build your entire life around a commitment to serve God, even when it’s costly. Doing so invites God to fill your life with true love.

Seek God first, before all else. Set your priorities so that you’re giving God more attention than anyone or anything else in your life, including your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Recognize that God, who is the source of all love, is worthy of your highest devotion. Keep in mind that when you give God your undivided attention, He will empower you to love others in ways that you couldn’t otherwise.

Evaluate Christian commitment by love, not just morality. Rather than looking at sexual purity and morality alone to gauge how close to Jesus you or others are, consider instead how much you and other Christians you know are truly expressing love like Jesus does. Sexual morality is important, but it’s just part of the whole scope of being obedient to how Jesus calls His followers to live.

Open the gift of solitude. When you’re alone with God, you can express your thoughts and feelings to Him fully and listen to His responses without distractions. So spend time praying in solitude regularly. If you feel lonely, let your loneliness motivate you to seek God more. Turn to God – not a romantic partner – to fulfill your deepest needs, because God alone can truly fulfill you, and His love is more than enough to satisfy you.

Adapted from Altared: The True Story of a She, a He, and How They Both Got Too Worked Up About We, copyright 2012 by Claire and Eli. Published by WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., Colorado Springs, Co., www.waterbrookmultnomah.com. 

Claire is an editor and writer. She has worked at Christianity Today, The New York Times, Penguin Classics, and Penguin Books. She is a contributor to First Things, Books & Culture, and The Gospel Coalition.

Eli earned a law degree from The University of Chicago Law School and now practices law at an international firm. Prior to law school, Eli worked in the music industry on teams working with a variety of recording artists, including Jeremy Camp, Underoath, and Starflyer 59.

Find Claire and Eli online at www.claireandeli.com or www.twitter.com/#!/Claire_and_Eli. 

Whitney Hopler is a freelance writer and editor who serves as both a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and the editor of About.com’s site on angels and miracles. Contact Whitney at: angels.guide@about.com to send in a true story of an angelic encounter or a miraculous experience like an answered prayer. 

Publication date: September 19, 2012