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He Said-She Said: Can Friends Who've Dated Be Friends Again?
Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer & Senior Editor
EDITOR’S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a reader's question with responses from a male and female point of view. If you’ve got a question about anything related to living the single life, please submit here (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: Not too long ago, my best friend and I agreed to date. At that point, I realized that my emotions were well invested in this relationship—no matter what kind it was (friendship or dating relationship). But our dating relationship lasted only four days. He called me and told me he realized his motives hadn't been what they should be; he thought he would lose me as a friend if we didn't date. And so now we're not dating, and I'm confused. What do I do? I have seen what a dating relationship with him could be like and have found that I have deeper feelings for him. I'm also angry because he didn't give prior thought before asking me to date him. Should I just walk away from the friendship?
HE SAID: Growing up with no sisters, I have enjoyed having female friends. There are some (maybe a lot of) things that guys don’t know about women or ever will without the (loving) instruction from a female. (I just heard a resounding “Amen.”) I won’t try to speculate on your friend’s background or intention, but will try to share some thoughts based upon your question and my experience.
Several times in the past I considered trying to move a close friendship with a girl into a dating relationship. I understood this could possibly “jeopardize” the friendship and weighed the options heavily. It was a difficult decision each time and did result in a lost friendship a couple of times. These experiences led me to think about the differences between a friendship and dating relationship:
In a friendship, there are no specific expectations; in a relationship, there are many expectations (and assumptions).
In a friendship, “going out” doesn’t need any advance notice; in a relationship, there should be “advance” notice (at least at the outset).
In a friendship, paying your own way is norm; in a relationship, a guy should (usually) pay.
In a friendship, there are no specific commitments; in a relationship, there should be a commitment.
Were any of these factors discussed prior to or during those four days of dating?
His motives hadn’t been what they should be …
If your friend only wanted to “date” you in order to keep the friendship, maybe he isn’t your best friend. By this, he seems to be only concerned about his own needs (maintaining the friendship and companionship) and not yours (relationship). Close friends are concerned about the other’s well-being.
Most Recent User Comments
christian1289
7/16/2008 10:02 AM
I've been down that road and mine lead to engagement. Yes it can lead to things having a best friend that is not the same gender as you. But like for me it can lead to finding your mate. Her and I tried a few times but she just "couldn't see her self with me". It hurt but we both tried moving on but yet staying friends. I backed off and she didn't like it, it was then that we realized how much we really did care for each other and we started from there. Maybe giving him some room might make him realize how much he cares and he might need to be faced with the fact that it's not safe having a best friend that is guy. It can cause problems if you date another guy but yet have a best friend that is a guy because the guy you are dating wants to be the only guy. He may say it's ok but doesn't mean he is comfortable with your best friend being a male. Give it to God and pray. Seek Him in all your relationships
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pkphilip
7/15/2008 1:49 AM
In the first place, it is unhealthy for any person to have a member of the opposite sex as their "best friend." Relationships such as that will always tend to veer towards the romantic and sexual. That is just the way we are wired. Granted, in these days of same sex marriage, it is entirely possible for relationships to form even between members of the same sex (though that is contrary to the will of God and is not pleasing to Him).
My advice to this lady would be to find female friends that she can form deep relationships with and to avoid forming deep friendships with male friends.
As for this man, I think he is bad news for her; he came into the relationship wanting to date one day and then within less than a week, he has already changed his mind.
This is indicative of deep instability and double-mindedness and it is for the best that this relationship wound up sooner than later. This lady should thank God for that.
My advice to this lady would be to find female friends that she can form deep relationships with and to avoid forming deep friendships with male friends.
As for this man, I think he is bad news for her; he came into the relationship wanting to date one day and then within less than a week, he has already changed his mind.
This is indicative of deep instability and double-mindedness and it is for the best that this relationship wound up sooner than later. This lady should thank God for that.
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