10 Ways to Help the Family of an Unbeliever after the Funeral

1. Give lavish hugs and expressions of love - not words.

Hugs last forever—words drown and are forgotten in the anguish of grieving hearts. Whether the deceased was a believer or not, after the funeral is not a time to rehearse every Scripture you can muster to comfort the family. They are immobilized, sinking in the mire of grief. When a heart throbs hard, a heartfelt hug is like soothing ointment to the soul. And that hug gives an injection of comfort that lasts until the next hug arrives.

Expressions of love to those left behind are varied, according to the needs of the family. Their pain is raw and the way to best express caring comes in the form of tasty meals, mowing lawns, taking care of kiddos, running errands, or even a little housecleaning, if you’re a personal friend. Do. Not. Preach.

“Serve one another in love” (Galatians 5:13 NAS).

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2. Be a friend first.

The most helpful characteristics of friendship is the ability to listen. Give the family opportunity to talk, if they want to. Don’t interrupt. Don’t offer solutions. Don’t condemn. Don’t be shocked. Give them permission, by your reactions, to cry. Cry with them—but remember, right after the funeral, loved ones are exhausted. Keep it short and simple.

If you know them well enough, don’t ask, just do. Bring meals. Pick up a gift basket of goodies with treats like chocolate, flavored teas, coffee, or cookies. Anything to let them know you’re available and thinking of them.

Don’t smother them with questions, Scripture quotes, devotional materials, or books on healing from grief. It’s yet not the time. Grief is a robber that destroys our ability to do many things, like thinking rationally. Just be quiet. Love them and be their friend. Their attention span isn’t ready for heavy duty conversation or concentration.

“A friend loveth at all times… and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17 NAS). 

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3. Give them permission to grieve.

Have you ever had a friend you could just be with? No need for conversation. Their presence was enough. To be that kind of friend is the greatest help during this time of emotional catastrophe. In this day of instant everything, we’re led to believe three days is enough time to plan a funeral, and bury your loved one; then it’s business as usual. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Grieving takes time, and each person’s grief is unique. Each family member grieves in a different manner, because each relationship was different.

If you’ve experienced a loss, you’re a certified comforter. God pours comfort into your soul, so you can pour the comfort He gave you into the life of someone grieving. And yes, Christians and unbelievers must grieve. Grief is the price you pay for loving someone.

“Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief” (Psalm 31:9 NAS).

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4. Prepare to grant mercy.

Helping family members deal with the loss of a loved one requires a heap of mercy. Because we’re never at our best when grieving, helping prickly people is often messy. Jesus knew that—look at you and me. But when you have a heart to help, the Spirit supplies everything you need—especially mercy.

So, when you try to help the family of an unbeliever, put on your mercy and grace face and love them; do not preach, nor condemn them.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, 4 NAS).

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5. Pray, pray, pray.

Regardless of a person’s spiritual condition, believing, unbelieving—when death comes in the door, it brings its ugly relatives along for the time of torment… the first being fear. Fear of the past. Fear of the present. Fear of what’s to come. And, for many, fear of eternity.

We don’t recognize how deeply God loves us or the lengths to which He will go to save us. His mercy is new every morning; it’s not three strikes and you’re out. Dr. E. V. Hill, said: “God’s not standing in the boat beating off those lost souls with an oar. No, He’s reaching over the side, grabbin’ ‘em by the arms, legs, the hair of their head… anything to bring ‘em to safety in Jesus.” And the truth is after the loss of a loved one—saved or unsaved—family members are more sensitive to the message of Jesus’ mercy and love and forgiveness than at any other point in their lives. 

They’ve come face to face with the reality of mortality and know they are next. You must be confident, but careful when you open your mouth to speak to those folks. With much prayer, the Spirit of God will put words in your mouth. Be sure it’s His Spirit speaking.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NAS). 

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6. Know the truth about God.

He is the Judge—we’re not. Here’s the rest of Daddy’s story: The call from the nursing home said Daddy had entered that last stage and I must come quickly. I jumped in the car, begging God to give me assurance about Daddy’s salvation. I arrived to find him lying on his side, breathing shallow, unresponsive. Suddenly, he turned over, an enormous smile lit his face. He lifted his arm and waved and waved. Then he was gone! I was distraught. No answers. Then driving home I remembered Daddy’s words… “Just laying here waitin’ and a wavin’.”  Was he wavin’ at the angel? Wavin’ at Mama? Wavin’ at Jesus? Yes!

God knew Daddy’s heart. I didn’t. When that moment arrives, we can’t know what has transpired between our loved ones and God in those hours, minutes, and seconds before death.

We know God is just, honest, and righteous. And He will deal with us and with our loved ones in a just, honest, and righteous manner. The time will come to share this with the family members of one they believe was unsaved. You can confidently share this truth about the Lord God Almighty who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8 NAS).

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7. Help the family with "why" questions.

Let me repeat, helping a family grieving loss requires mercy, grace, and a loving friendship. And lots of time. You can’t just barge in the door, spout some Scripture and leave. That’s not love. And Scripture is the last thing most folks, even Christians, want to hear after the funeral.

Most times those grieving are focused on “Why them? Why now? Why me?” Or “what if?” And we all ask those questions… even when the answer seems apparent in troubling instances like suicide, drug-related deaths, or criminal activities. 

There are things associated with death we will never understand. Even if we did, it would not diminish the family’s sorrow. When the time is appropriate, the friendship between you and the griever is solid, and they are ready to listen, lovingly share. 

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever…” (Deuteronomy 29:29 NAS).

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8. Warn of unrealistic expectations vs. reality.

We all struggle with unrealistic expectations. But add the loss of a loved one to the mix and the distance between reality and expectations morphs off the charts. And the problems multiply and rise like yeast.

You will encounter an ever-changing kaleidoscope of emotions when helping a family in grief.  Family members resemble porcupines with quills aimed, ready to fire—at each other. Encourage those who will listen to keep their expectations as close to reality as possible. Then problems shrink.

When people are caught in the quagmire of grief their natural inclination is to blame someone else. Be the buffer by listening… then carry them to God. Time and time again, I’ve heard diffusing words come out my mouth. Words not from me, but from God. Words that flowed like seltzer to calm upset hearts.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1 NAS).
 

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9. Encourage them to cultivate a thankful heart.

As months pass, the relationship between those comforted and those who’ve given comfort grows. A bond of love diminishes their pain. And the grieving person’s new normal begins to surface. You can help them develop an attitude of thankfulness.

I suggest keeping a small yellow notepad for occasions when a smile begins to cast little beams of light into the dark areas grief conquered. Show them opportunities to be thankful. Thankfulness diminishes the sorrow of grief—at least for the moment. 

These are indications you’re helping them win the battle—as they see Jesus in you. They are no longer stuck in grief, but learning to trust Jesus through the model of love and faithfulness you’ve displayed to them through their valley of the shadow of death.

“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy… Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy” (John 16:20,22 NAS).

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10. Help them through the holidays.

Months have passed, emotions have settled, and life seems to be returning to a tolerable pattern. Then it hits like a punch in the gut. Thanksgiving and Christmas. Your grieving-again friends would love to barricade themselves in their rooms November 1st and not come out until the middle of January. And this grief seems worse than the first.

Three years ago, the promise of another Christmas without our daughter ambushed me, shoving me back into that place of death. A friend who had also lost a son called at the exact moment I experienced this meltdown. She gave me words of wisdom, straight from the Throne of God. “You don’t have to keep going down the same road.” She said. “Take a different road through the holidays.” And I have. Christmas now has meaning, rather than dread. Worship not sorrow. And hope!

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NAS).

DiAne Gates illustrates and writes fiction for children and YA, and serious non-fiction for the folks. Her passion is calling the church’s attention to how far we’ve catapulted from God’s order as evidenced by her blog Moving the Ancient Boundaries. DiAne worked as a photographer and writer for the East Texas Youth Rodeo Association magazine, and had the opportunity to be in the rodeo arena, giving birth to her western rodeo adventure series, ROPED, (available on Amazon), which was named #5 in the Top Ten Reads for Christians Teens and Tweens. The sequel, TWISTED, was released by Prism in July 2017. She also facilitates GriefShare, an international support ministry for those who’ve lost loved ones. 

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