Before You Say "I Don't" - Crosswalk Couples Devotional - January 14

Before You Say "I Don't"
By: Rhonda Stoppe

"But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore, take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth."—Malachi 2:15 (NKJV)

Dave was at his breaking point when he stormed out of the house, shouting over his shoulder, "Don't expect me back any time soon." His words were intended to wake Sandy up. He was tired. He was done. He had never felt truly at peace in their home in nearly twenty years of marriage. Walking on eggshells had become Dave's way of coping with Sandy's mood swings. Truthfully, when Sandy gave him the silent treatment, he welcomed her passive-aggressive quietness.

"Maybe it's time we call it quits," Dave pondered as he drove off, looking for a place to land for a few hours until they both cooled off. As he drove away, Sandy caught sight of their two sons, ages eight and ten, out of the corner of her eye. Of course, the boys had heard their shouting; even the neighbors could hear it. But, as they always did when the fighting began, the boys scurried into their bedrooms to avoid hearing the hurtful words their parents would inevitably shout at each other.

Sandy could see the hurt in their eyes. She knew they had heard Dave say he wouldn't be coming home anytime soon. "These poor kids," she thought. "Maybe the children would be better off if we just got a divorce."

Can you relate to Dave and Sandy's story? Years of unresolved marital conflict can continue to boil until the eruption is so painful that parting ways seems like the best option for everyone involved. However, before you begin to believe this lie that will destroy your family, allow me a moment to shed some light.

The myth that children fare better when irreconcilable parents part has historically been used to justify divorce. The thinking goes that if parents are unhappy in their marriage, they should split rather than remain in a relationship that exposes their children to resentment and conflict at home. But don't fool yourself. Conflict in your relationship with your spouse is unlikely to cease if you get a divorce. Instead, you will just expose your kids to a new form of conflict as you battle over custody, visitation, financial matters, and parenting disagreements.

Recent studies present a clear picture: the effects of divorce on children can be deeply negative and long-lasting. For example, children of divorced parents often experience a range of emotional setbacks, including increased anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues. These challenges can stem from the instability that divorce introduces into their lives. The stress of adjusting to new living arrangements, attending different schools, or splitting time between parents can generate feelings of insecurity and complicate a child's developmental journey. Additionally, step-family experiences can bring a whole new form of trauma to children.

Numerous experts agree that although parents can often rebuild their lives after divorce, children face profound challenges in achieving full emotional recovery. An esteemed licensed counselor explains that achieving full "recovery" from family disruptions can be particularly challenging for children, as the landscape of family life is ever-changing. While you and your ex-spouse may naturally move forward in your separate lives, your children carry the weight of their loss with them every day. This experience doesn't simply fade with time; 25 years later, they will likely still feel its impact. Even during their happiest moments, echoes of that loss can resurface, serving as a poignant reminder of what was once whole.

So, what can you do? If your marriage is in trouble, it's time to stop pretending it's not so bad. Get help from a counselor. If you've visited counselors with your spouse and no real transformation has occurred, consider finding another biblical counselor. Be vulnerable and talk to your pastor about the state of your marriage. Ask him to help you connect with another godly couple in the church who might mentor you. Join a small group Bible study to help you grow as a couple in your walk with Christ. If your spouse won't take steps to heal your marriage, let it begin with you.

In my book, If My Husband Would Change, I'd Be Happy, I help a wife identify conflict resolution steps she can take, even if her husband never changes. In the highs and lows of family life, your faith in God will be validated to your children if they observe your determination to resolve marital conflict in a Christ-honoring way. Their spiritual journey will be impacted by how you live out your faith. One of God's goals for your marriage is "that you might produce a godly offspring." You can take steps toward healing your marriage with Christ's help, biblically grounded resources, and godly mentors. Let it begin with you, friend. Let it begin with you.

Prayer:

"Father, thank you for the gift of marriage. I know that Satan wants to destroy my marriage because he knows it can snatch my children away from the faith. Please work in my heart to love my spouse with Your unconditional love. And please guide us toward those who can help us become a couple who glorifies Christ in our marriage. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

Rhonda Stoppe is a best-selling Christian author of seven books. With 40 years of experience in helping women build no regrets lives, Rhonda has become a highly sought after voice in the Christian living community. She has written hundreds of articles for Crosswalk.com and other popular magazines. Rhonda has appeared on The 700 Club, 100 Huntley Street, Family Life Today, Dobson’s Family Talk, and her interviews at Focus on the Family have been named in their Best Of Episodes 2021 & 2023. “I could have listened to Rhonda talk all night,” is what listeners say. Her speaking platform includes: Homeschool conferences, (MOPs) MomCo, MomCon, Legacy Grandparenting Summit and more. She is the host of the award-winning podcast, Old Ladies Know Stuff. Rhonda has over 40 years experience as a pastor’s wife, speaker, mom coach, marriage mentor, mother of four–and did we mention she’s a grandmother of 15! Find out more about Rhonda at NoRegretsWoman.com.

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