Navigating Grief After Loss - Crosswalk Couples Devotional - January 17

Navigating Grief After Loss

By: Carrie Lowrance

"But if it were me, I would encourage you. I would try to take away your grief." (Job 16:5, NLT)

Losing someone or something we love is always hard, whether a person or a pet. The days and weeks after can be very difficult, knowing that our loved one is not around anymore. My husband and I have seen much of this in our time together.

While we were dating, I lost my aunt to colon rectal cancer in 2011. He lost his grandpa in 2010. Since we've been married, we have lost five of our six fur babies together. I've learned that we both grieve differently, and that's okay.

When my aunt passed, I was sad for a few weeks and then decided it was time to move on with my life and keep going. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was very emotional. He bawled during the funeral and called into work that day because he was so upset. He is very tenderhearted and feels things deeply; that is why I love him so much. We are very much alike.

As for our fur babies, each passing has been a unique experience. When we got married, we had our cat, Carlton, and his rabbit, Boots. Poor Boots was an old rabbit for his age and was prone to seizures. The day he passed, the A/C went out. I had a feeling it was coming because he was having more and more seizures. Thankfully, my husband was there when he passed, and we had him cremated the next week.

With Carlton, I knew his time was up when I woke up one morning. He had chronic kidney disease, and we were to the point he was getting subcutaneous fluids at home three times a week. That day, I was taking him in for a kidney check, and the vet and I both decided it was best to let him go. He was so sick he was beside himself. The look on his face gave it away. I sat in the vet's office for two hours, bawling my head off, and called my husband at work to come and be with us. I even went as far as calling Carlton's foster mom. I was wondering if she wanted to come and say goodbye. She chose to remember him as he was, and I was okay with that. After it was over, my husband went back to work, and I headed home. Over the next week or two, I put away his things. It was too hard for me to see his dishes and other things around. We also had him cremated. Being able to bring our babies home has always comforted us.

A few months after Carlton passed, we got our next cat named Colin. Then the following spring, we got a new rabbit named Abby. They were both fantastic animals. Colin had a very laid-back demeanor, and Abby brought great fun with her personality and attitude. Rabbits have their own personalities. Boots had a laid-back and snuggly personality, whereas Abby had a very active nature and her own ways of letting you know things. She loved strawberries and her playpen that was attached to her cage.

We will never have an answer to what happened to Abby. She got very sick suddenly and I don't know why. We took her to the vet, and they weren't sure, but they prescribed some medication for us to start the next morning since it was twice a day. We didn't get to give her the medication because she passed early that morning. My husband found her in her cage and it was awful. He cried for a long time and was so upset, as was I, because we didn't know what happened. Even Colin knew something was wrong. After we took her cage down and donated all her things, Colin still looked for her a month or two after.

Eventually, we found out that Colin had diabetes, cardiomyopathy, and high blood pressure. He was on insulin twice a day and blood pressure meds once a day. We managed this for about two years until one Sunday morning his glucose kept going higher and higher. He had not had a pleasant week previously, so I had a feeling that things were going to get bad. I knew that morning that we had to take him and put him down or the hyperglycemia was going to kill him either way. So, we took him to the emergency vet clinic and gave him a peaceful passing. It was a very hard day, but I knew we were doing the right thing because there was nothing else to do.

Colin's passing was hard on me. The day we put him down, a box from Chewy arrived, and I had to call them to tell them what had happened. They were awesome and even sent flowers. I was sad for several weeks after his passing, but I still didn't want to look at his stuff because it made me even sadder. We kept everything we could for our next cat, and life moved on.

As you can see, my husband and I grieve differently. I'm the one who has to decide whether it's time to put them down, and while I'm doing this, I'm already grieving in my heart. I hate having to decide, but I know I must do what is best for them. Please don't think that my husband wants animals to suffer—far from it. This decision is a genuine struggle for him, so I'm glad to use my "mom instincts" and "vet advice" to make an informed decision. Most of the time, I just "know."

Once it's over, I usually grieve for a few weeks and then move on. My husband takes a little longer, and that's okay. The Christmas after Abby passed, I had someone do a digital oil painting of her and had it framed as a gift for my husband. He loved it. That painting and Colin's paw and nose prints hang on our bedroom wall. They are gone and we miss them, but they are never forgotten.

Do you and your spouse grieve differently? Do you have a hard time understanding each other in this area? Here are some tips to help with the process.

-Every death is important, but if your spouse is especially close to a person or a pet, it's going to take some time to move on.

-Consider how their family handles death. Do they talk about the loved one that's passed? Keep it to themselves? Show either a lot of emotion or none? Your spouse will grieve based on how they were taught to handle grief.

-Ask your spouse if they want to talk about it.

-Give them space if they need it.

-Let them know you're there for them.

Let's pray.

Dear Lord,

I know my spouse is experiencing a difficult time after losing (name). I ask that you help me navigate this with them and that I will be an excellent source of comfort and support. Help the communication between us stay open so that we can talk about things. I ask that you will bring your peace and comfort to my spouse in this time of sadness. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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