He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing and disturbing experience. This could be a single incident, something we are stuck in, or something that keeps happening to us over a period of time. Most of us experience some sort of traumatic incident over the course of our lives.
As parents, it can be a very heavy burden to walk alongside a child who has gone through something truly disturbing. As you offer them the consistent love and support they need, you can find yourself feeling the effects of secondary trauma, and eventual burnout is common. As a result of this added stress, we often find that standing in the gap for your children can be very taxing on a marriage.
Many of us may have felt the invitation from the Holy Spirit to say 'yes' to opening our homes and hearts to children who have experienced trauma outside our and our control through foster care and adoption. God's love for vulnerable children is astounding, and his call to be there in these hard places is real. But being in that place day in and day out as a couple requires a kind of "next level" relational diligence in your marriage so as not to get swept away by the stress that can live in your home.
Parenting through trauma is the Olympics of parenthood and, therefore, calls you to have an Olympic-level investment in your home, children, marriage, mental health, and more! Training, perseverance, intentionality, so much grace, lots of forgiveness, and unity are key to this work. Here are some practical tips to help you stay close as you walk together through a lifetime of loving beyond reason together:
Invest in Therapy
The mental and physical load of parenting through trauma is tremendous! You need a village, and sometimes it's just too much to put all that you are carrying on the shoulders of friends and family. Being intentional about having a trusted, Jesus-loving therapist is really helpful. If your children are old enough for therapy, get one for them. My husband and I both have individual therapists we check in with a couple of times a month. We have also done many intermittent stents of couples therapy when we faced relational hurdles that felt too hard to overcome on our own.
Schedule Respite Together
I recommend planning a night away (or more!) once every 3-4 months. I KNOW IT IS SO HARD! It's tough to leave kiddos that have a trauma history. It's also often very hard to find people you feel comfortable leaving your kiddos with, but seeing each other outside the stress of family life is worth the effort. You are actually fun when you aren't overwhelmed! The last time my husband and I got away just a month ago to spend the weekend with longtime friends it's like I could physically feel the stress evaporate from my body the closer we got to the cabin. My heart also grew so much more appreciative of my amazing husband because I could see just him, my friend. Getting away is so very worth it.
Communicate Often about the Issues in Your Home
I find that a few times a month, sometimes more if things are really feeling intense, my husband and I have a 'let it all hang out' kind of conversation about parenthood. It's one where we get really honest about the things we are worried about, the ways we feel we've failed, what we want to improve on, and the needs we see require more support in our home. Most of the time, once we get it all out in the open, we feel so much better. It grows empathy for each other as transparency helps us understand each other's heart.
Commit to Being Lifelong Learners and Advocates for Your Kids
Stepping into trauma means you need extra tools as a parenting team. Back to the Olympic metaphor, you can't enter these elite games without a set of specialized knowledge and practiced techniques. Adoption, foster care, and other traumatic situations impact the brain and body in some very intense ways. We are learning more every day about how to best parent in these situations and more about our kids; unique circumstances. Take time to read up on this world, listen to podcasts together, go to training sessions and conferences, connect with others in the same kind of family situation, and more. The more you know, the more empathy you have for your child and the more tools you have as a couple to draw on when things are tough.
Let's Pray:
Father, we thank you that you are the great healer of the brokenhearted. Your love covers so many sins. You cover us with your grace when we need it as parents, and you can graciously cover the sins of others who have harmed our kids. Keep us close as a couple as we walk a journey that requires extra love, extra grace, and extra need for Jesus. Remind us that we are fun! We love each other! And we are more than just parents. Show us how to invest in our own well-being and support each other through each and every season of parenthood. Grow us closer through the trials. Amen.
Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God's Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.
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