Are You Neglecting Your Spouse’s Heartfelt Needs? - PLUS Marriage Devotional

The traffic was horrific, but my attitude was even worse.

I had overpromised and over-scheduled the day. On the way to football practice, one of my twins realized he’d left one shoe behind—who remembers one shoe, but forgets the other?

We ran back home, got the shoe, and raced toward practice, but they were repaving the road. Waves of heat rose from the hot asphalt (and possibly from my head). The bumper sticker on the car in front of us said, “Not liking my exhaust? Then back off!”

So, I tailed it even closer.

After dropping my boys off at football practice late, I sped to my relative’s house on the way to dance practice. How dare she get sick and cause me such trouble?

I left the car running and ran up to her front door in a huff. “Here. Gotta run!” I said, abruptly. Pain flashed in her eyes, and inside, my heart felt cold.

I realized I was merely checking the “good relative box...” Loving with my hands, but not my heart. And we both knew it. Here’s what I learned that day: when your love is shallow, people sense it.

This is especially true in marriage. You can show love outwardly while neglecting to love deeply from the heart. Outward acts of love (working, helping each other, etc.) are necessary. But if you limit your love to only the “things you’re supposed to do,” your spouse will sense it and your marriage will suffer.

The Bible calls us to love one another deeply from the heart, but how? Loving your spouse on a deeper level requires addressing heartfelt needs. Every person (including your spouse) has a similar set of heartfelt needs. The more these needs are met, the better your relationship will be. But the more these needs are neglected, the more your relationship will suffer.

While you can’t meet your spouse’s every need, you can meet a lot of them. Pray through the list below as you consider if you are neglecting or meeting your spouse’s heartfelt needs.

The heartfelt needs of your spouse:

Acceptance: accepting your spouse right now, just as they are—flaws and all. (Rom. 15:7)

Comfort: comforting your spouse by listening and acknowledging their pain or anger. (2 Cor. 1:4)

Appreciation: expressing gratitude to your spouse often. This makes your spouse feel valued. (1 Thess. 5:18)

Support: coming alongside your spouse to help them in whatever they’re doing. (Gal. 6:2)

Encouragement: cheering for your spouse, instead of jeering. A little praise goes a long way! (Heb. 3:13)

Respect: honoring your spouse with your words and even your thoughts. (Eph. 5:33)

Forgiveness: letting go of past offenses and moving on. A steady flow of forgiveness nourishes a marriage. (Col. 3:13)

The Bible says “Make good use of every opportunity you have [to love], because these are evil days,” (Eph. 5:16). So today, make sure to love your spouse deeply by meeting as many of their heartfelt needs as you can. You’ll be glad you did.

Prayer:

Lord, you love me completely—mind, body, and soul. Teach me how to love as you do. Help me love my spouse more deeply, today. Grow my love past merely “checking boxes” to loving at the heart level. Give me eyes to see my spouse’s heartfelt needs and grant me the willingness to better meet them. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Reflection Questions:

1. Have you ever loved with your hands, but not with your heart? What was the outcome?

2. Think of specific ways you can meet your spouse’s heartfelt needs today and then ask for God to help you. 

May Patterson, author of the book, Seeking a Familiar Face, began writing over a decade ago in response to God’s grace. And by His grace, she now has a popular blog and has written many articles for various magazines, including Focus on the Family, Upper Room and iBelieve.com. She has also published a Bible study, A 40-Day Guide for Seeking God, and speaks at a variety of events, both nationally and internationally. Her desire is to encourage people to draw closer to God, like never before.

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