Managing Our Expectations in Marriage - Crosswalk PLUS Marriage Devotional
Managing Our Expectations in Marriage
By: Laura Bailey
"It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife." Proverbs 21:9 NIV
I added another tick mark to the mental tally I'd started a few days ago, eight days after my husband's bag remained packed from our recent vacation. As someone who immediately comes home, unpacks my suitcase, puts clean clothes in their proper place, and starts a load of laundry, I struggled to hide my annoyance at the bag's presence in the middle of our bedroom day after day.
The first few days, I tried to give my husband some grace. I knew he had a full work schedule, and his free time was filled with yard work, serving at the church, and caring for his family. But after a week, my patience wore out, and shamefully, I exploded over dinner.
"Why haven't you unpacked your bag from vacation? It's been over a week!"
"Do you think some magic fairy will put up your clothes? Oh, wait! You don't think I will put up your clothes, do you!?"
"Are you so inconsiderate that you leave your bag out for someone to trip over day after day?"
Tact has never been my strong suit.
My husband stared at me between bites of mashed potatoes. I could tell by the blank look in his eyes that he had no clue what I was talking about. After a beat or two, he asked, "Are you talking about my suitcase?"
What I can only accredit to revelation from the Holy Spirit, it dawned on me that while I'd spent days brooding over the situation, thinking we were engaging in some sort of domestic warfare, my husband had no clue I was upset. Over the past week, I'd contemplated why the bag remained unpacked, created scenarios, and automatically assumed that my husband was intentionally trying to annoy me.
Now calm, I aired my grievance, and my husband shared that he wasn't purposefully trying to upset me or passive-aggressively encouraging me to do it for him; he just didn't think about it.
It's been many years since this interaction. My husband now playfully teases me when we return home that he has to hurry up and unpack his bag, lest I have a breakdown. Admittedly, I overreacted, but I was grateful it was over something insignificant because it opened the door for us to discuss expectations in our marriage.
At the root, my anger wasn't directed towards a duffle bag by the bed; that was just the final straw that sent me spiraling. The truth was that there were multiple things in my marriage about which I felt the pains of disappointment due to unmet expectations.
But that's the thing about expectations: we must share them with those we expect to meet them. Instead of communicating with my husband about the various areas that frustrated me in my marriage and working to understand why he acted (or didn't) in a certain way, I held it in until one day, I just exploded.
Setting clear expectations in our marriage helps couples manage disappointment and works to prevent arguments that stem from one person thinking that this is how things "should be" in their marriage. Sitting down with our spouses and openly communicating our desires is a beautiful way to strengthen our bond, but it won't necessarily be easy. Be prepared that your spouse and you will not be on the same page, so compromise and offering grace will be vital to discussions.
I think about Solomon's words in Proverbs 21:9 when I am tempted to let my nagging get out of control. In ancient times, homes had roofs accessible by stairs inside the house. Solomon says it is better to be outside and alone, subjected to the elements, than inside with someone constantly causing strife and discord. While the Scripture specifically mentioned a wife, the text applies to both spouses.
Our marriages will experience tension as we learn to live with (and accept their quirks) another person. But, let us openly communicate, manage our expectations, and quickly assume the best in our spouses.
Prayer:
Heavenly Father, we ask that you help us shut down negative thoughts about our spouses. Let us communicate freely with each other, open to hearing their perspective and willing to compromise. When tempers run hot, and tension is high, give us calm spirits, doing our part to live in peace. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Challenge:
Think about the last argument you had with your spouse. Could the conflict have been avoided if you had communicated your expectations of one another and your marriage? Set aside some time to discuss your desires for marriage, incorporate biblical truth, and get on the same page with your spouse.
She lives in Upstate South Carolina with her husband and three young girls, where she serves as director of women's ministries at her church. Her passion is teaching the Bible to women, equipping them to live with an eternal perspective. Invite Laura to speak at your next event or learn more: www.LauraRBailey.com
We hope you and your spouse are challenged and encouraged by today's devotional! For more of this premium marriage devotional, visit here.
