When to Talk about it and When to Let it Go - Crosswalk PLUS Marriage Devotional

When to Talk about it and When to Let it Go

By: Jennifer Waddle

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3)

I’ve always been a deep thinker, getting lost in my own thoughts and spending hours daydreaming. It’s how I process things and make sense of the world around me. When I’m upset at my husband, however, my thoughts can spiral into unhealthy cycles of anger and blame. It’s a default mode I’m not proud of, and I’m learning to differentiate between things worth discussing and things that are trivial.

How about you? Are you struggling with toxic feelings that spring up whenever there’s conflict with your spouse? If so, here’s when to talk about it and when to let it go.

Talk about Recurring Things

When frustration builds in my marriage, I stop and ask, “Is this a recurring issue?” If it’s not, I usually let it go. If it is, I pray for God’s perspective, making sure I’m not being overly sensitive or blowing things out of proportion.

Here are a few recurring things couples encounter:

-Rude comments or tone of voice

-Spending habits

-Health and wellbeing

-Love languages

-Parenting styles

-Biblical worldviews vs. secular worldviews

These issues, along with many others, are worth discussing because they are foundational to the marital relationship. When left unchecked, they often turn into bigger problems that threaten to divide.

If you’re not sure what topics are recurring for you, make notes in your journal or day planner and review them once a month. Anything that’s come up more than once might need to be addressed. Most of all, pray for God’s wisdom, asking Him to remove the conflict or help you talk about it lovingly and respectfully.

Talk about Matters of the Heart

Matters of the heart are always worth talking about because from the heart spring the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23) Jesus explained this further in Matthew 15:18-20, saying, “But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.”

The last thing we want is to bottle up our emotions until we can’t hold them in any longer. This will only cause hurtful, unfruitful discussions that leave our spouses shaking their heads in anger and bewilderment. It’s far better to talk about the deep things of the heart such as:

-Honoring the marriage bed

-Following Christ together

-Having friends that edify

-Raising kids in the Lord

Discuss whatever is pressing on your heart with your spouse long before tensions run high. Try not to assume they know how you’re feeling; they cannot read your mind. Instead, plan a date on the calendar to talk about these issues calmly and clearly.

Let Go of Blame

Something I’ve been most convicted of lately is the danger of blame and accusation; these don’t belong in marriage. Instead, we’re called to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3)

There are better ways to discuss things without finger pointing. It’s helpful to reframe your conversations by starting with these phrases:

“I feel like…”

“This has been on my heart…”

“I am sad when…”

“I don’t understand…”

Remember who the accuser of the brethren is, according to Revelation 12:10, and refuse to participate in blame or accusation. Approach your spouse with an open mind and willingness to work things out peaceably.

Let Go as Often as Possible

My personal goal in marriage is to let things go as often as possible. This doesn’t mean I ignore our issues or pretend they don’t bother me. But the more I practice taking my concerns to God, the more He releases me from the spirit of offense. And usually, by the end of the day, I don’t even remember what I was upset about.

Here’s a short list of things we can let go:

-Dishes left on the counter/socks on the floor

-The near-empty gas tank

-Occasional grumpiness

-Things not done on our timeline

-Differences of opinion regarding non-salvation issues

When both of you decide to let most things go while openly discussing the important issues, communication in your marriage will take on a whole new angle. The petty, insignificant things will diminish, while matters of the heart will be handled with intention.

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of marriage. Help me to be humble, gentle, and patient, knowing when to speak and when to let go. Grant me wisdom and love to address important issues with grace, and courage to share matters of the heart with honesty. Teach me to let go of small irritations, trusting You to bring peace and unity to our relationship. May our marriage reflect Your love and bring glory to You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Application: Do you tend to hold things in, avoiding hot topics? Or are you quick to lash out, even over small things?

Challenge: Try the journal technique by jotting down recurring issues. At the end of the month, scan your list to see what needs to be discussed. Whatever is trivial, let it go!