Girlfriends in God - Jan. 3, 2008
But God…
Today’s Truth
“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8 NIV).
Friend to Friend
“What’s wrong with me?” I wondered. “Why can’t I have the peace in my life that I see in other people? Why don’t I have the faith I sense in Christians around me? Why do I always feel like I am simply not good enough?”
For many years, I was held captive by feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and inadequacy. I looked like I had it all together on the outside, but on the inside, I was a cowering little girl hiding in the corner of the playground hoping no one would notice my reluctance to join in.
You might expect that I’m going to tell you, “But then I met Jesus and all my insecurities melted away.” Oh, I wish that were the case, but the little insecure lost girl, grew up to become an insecure Christian woman. I grew up in a home where my parents fought both verbally and physically in my presence. Those fights left me afraid and scarred, feeling that I was very insignificant and inadequate. I saw many things a little child should never see and heard words that a little child should never hear. I remember going to bed, pulling the covers up tightly under my chin and praying that I could hurry up and go to sleep to shut out the noise of my parents yelling and fighting.
As a little girl, even though I was very cute, I never felt pretty or acceptable. I longed to be cherished or valued, but felt I was always in the way and a poor excuse for a daughter. I surmised that I was not pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, or good enough to be the apple of anyone’s eye.
When I was six-years-old, I skipped off to school with a new box of crayons, a Swiss-polka dot dress, and fresh hope that I would be loved. But first grade only confirmed my fears. I wasn’t “enough.”
From the time my first grade teacher held up the first spelling flash card, I knew I was in trouble. Back in the sixties, kindergarten was optional, and while I did attend a church sponsored kindergarten, we focused on coloring, playing, and napping. But first grade was a whole new ballgame with letters, numbers, and tests.
I remember one spelling exercise that makes my palms clammy even today. We lined our miniature wooden chairs up in a row like a choo-choo train. The teacher held up a spelling flash card for us to identify the word. If we missed the word, we had to go to the caboose. I spent most of the first grade in the caboose. For some reason, I especially had trouble with the word “the.”
My brother, who proved to be very smart, had the same teacher five years earlier and I guess she thought that somewhere in the gene pool lurked a glimmer of hope.
I’ll help her, my teacher must have thought.
So, she made me a name tag that said “the” and I had to wear it for two weeks. Students came up to me and asked,” Why are you wearing that tag?” “Is your name ‘the’?” “You must be stupid.” “What’s wrong with you?”
Well, I learned how to spell the word “the,” but that’s not all I learned. I learned that I was stupid, not as smart as everybody else, and once again…not enough.
Inferiority, insecurity and inadequacy became a grid system or the filter, formed over my mind. And every thought that I had, every interpretation of my little world, had to go through that sieve of deficiency before it entered my mind. By the time I was a teenager, that filter was cemented firmly in place.
But God didn’t leave me that way. Don’t you just love the words, “but God?” They are my two favorite words in the Bible. But God didn’t leave me that way.
Before I tell you the rest of the story, let’s stop for a time of reflection.
Let’s Pray
Dear Lord, I am so glad that you do not leave us in the pit, but call us out to stand on solid ground. “I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.” Thank you, sweet LORD.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen
Now It’s Your Turn
Sorry to leave you hanging today, but I want us to stop and reflect for a moment.
Is your life in the pit right now? Turn to Psalm 40:2 in your Bible. As I did in today’s prayer, offer it to God as a prayer of your own.
Has God brought you out of a pit? Then let’s rejoice together! I’d love to hear about it. Log onto www.sharonjaynes.com and let’s share our stories.
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Girlfriends in God
Matthews, NC 28106
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