Does the Fifth Commandment Really Say We Should Honor Our Parents?

The fifth commandment in the Bible is to honor and respect one’s father and mother. God says in Exodus 20:12, when he is giving Moses the ten commandments, “‘You must honor and respect your father and your mother. Do this so that you will have a full life in the land that the Lord your God gives you.”

Moses says to the Israelites in Deuteronomy 5:16, “‘You must honor your father and your mother. The Lord your God has commanded you to do this. If you follow this command, you will live a long time, and everything will go well for you in the land that the Lord your God gives you.”

The promised reward for obeying this command is that all will go well with us and that we will have a long life on earth.

However, following the fifth commandment can be harder for some.

Do Christians Disagree about What Is the Fifth Commandment?

Before we go further into this discussion, we should establish that there is some disagreement about what the fifth commandment is within different Christian traditions.

Most traditions list the fifth commandment as to honor and respect one’s father and mother. However, different translations put different verse numbers and group sentences a little differently, so the commandments’ number order changes a little in different translations and traditions.

Originally, the Septuagint, a Greek translation of the Old Testament, was the source all Christians used as their Bible. In 382, Catholicism went from the Septuagint to the Vulgate, a Latin translation that informed later English translations like the Dewey Rheims Bible. Centuries later, Protestant scholars like William Tyndale and Martin Luther challenged the Catholic church and produced new translations like the Geneva Bible.

The Bible translations led to various discussions—such as whether to include some books often included in the biblical canon dubbed Apocrypha. These discussions led to the Vulgate and English translations following the Catholic tradition to have some differences from the Bible translations that Protestants frequently use.

One difference was how to number the commandments. So, what do some traditions say the fifth commandment is?

What Is the Fifth Commandment in Catholic Tradition?

The Septuagint organizes Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16 so that the fifth commandment is “honor thy father and thy mother.” Most Protestant traditions use this ordering.

Catholic Bibles use a suggestion by Augustine and others to reorganize Exodus 20:13 and Deuteronomy 5:17 and list the fifth commandment as “thou shalt not kill.” The numbering also affects other commandments—for example, the tenth commandment becomes not to covet your neighbor’s goods, not the longer “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”

In most Protestant traditions, the fifth commandment is to honor and respect one’s father and mother, as stated in the Septuagint and John Calvin’s translation of the Bible. The King James Bible and similar Bible translations follow in the Protestant tradition. A possible exception is the Lutheran denomination. Most Protestants and Protestant churches believe that honoring and respecting one’s father and mother is the fifth commandment because of their Bible versions of Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16.

Also, Jesus says in Luke 18:20, “And you know his commands: ‘You must not commit adultery, you must not murder anyone, you must not steal, you must not tell lies about others, you must respect your father and mother ….’”

Because the most common view of the fifth commandment is the Protestant view, the rest of this article will focus on this Protestant traditional view of the fifth commandment: honor and respect your father and mother. So . . . how do we do this?

How Do We Follow the Fifth Commandment If We Were Adopted?

To honor the memory of birth parents, one should honor one’s birth parents as much as possible. While adopted kids may not live in their birth parents’ house, the birth mother and father are still the parents, and therefore, they deserve honor and respect from their child.

Also, the adopted parents deserve respect. They may not be related by blood to their adopted child, but they are still the acting parents. They fill the role of mother and father, and so they should arguably deserve the same honor and respect that the birth parents deserve.

In their adult lives, many adopted children reach a point where they want to seek out their birth parents. But they may find it awkward to explain this to their adopted parents. However, seeking out birth parents can still be honoring and respecting one’s adoptive family. In seeking out birth parents, the fifth commandment can still be kept if the seeking out is done with grace and communication between the adoptive parents and the adopted kids.

How Do We Follow the Fifth Commandment if We Had Abusive Parents?

In Matthew 15:4, Jesus says, “God said, ‘You must respect your father and mother.’ And God also said, ‘Whoever says anything bad to their father or mother must be killed.’” The fifth commandment is a commandment that used to have an extreme consequence if not obeyed.

Though it may be more difficult to honor and respect abusive parents than loving ones, the fifth commandment still stands: we are called to honor and respect our parents no matter what. Even if the parents are abusive and we view them as enemies, we are called to love our enemies. Jesus says in Matthew 5:44, “But I tell you, love your enemies. Pray for those who treat you badly.”

However, forgiveness and letting bitterness go does not mean we must stay in the relationship. Escaping the abusive relationship may be obeying the fifth commandment. Letting parents continue to hurt others is not good for the parents. Letting them continue to hurt others is essentially letting them stay dishonorable. By taking away the ability for the parents to continually sin in this area, one is saving them from ruining themselves. Finding a space where one encourages the parents to think about their behavior allows them to grow and gain honor. So, this can be honoring and respecting the parents.

As we learn to have healthy boundaries and heal from the pain, we also seek to forgive—to let go of the bitterness. If one is still tempted with bitterness, replace the bitter thoughts with something else. Keep replacing those bitter thoughts. Keep forgiving seventy times seven times. If one’s parents are enemies, love can still be shown by acknowledging the pain they cause and praying for them.

Honoring and respecting abusive parents is much easier said than done, but it is not impossible. But when it seems impossible to forgive, perhaps Ephesians 6:1–2 will provide comfort. It states, “The command says, ‘You must respect your father and mother.’ This is the first command that has a promise with it. And this is the promise: ‘Then all will go well with you, and you will have a long life on the earth.’”

By honoring and respecting our parents, we ultimately honor and respect God. And God rewards those who obey this command. In this passage, Exodus 20:12, and Deuteronomy 5:16, he promises that those who obey the fifth commandment will have all go well with them, and they will have a long life on earth.

So, when respecting and honoring abusive parents gets exhausting and seemingly impossible, people can remember that by obeying the fifth commandment, they obey God and will have all go well with them and a long life on earth.

Prayers to Help People Follow the Fifth Commandment

Despite everything we know, and even knowing that one should obey the fifth commandment, we may still need help actually to follow the fifth commandment. And who better to help us than the one who gave us the fifth commandment, God himself? One should ask him for help in this area by praying to him. Here are some examples:

“God, I struggle to follow the fifth commandment. I know I cannot do it on my own. So, please help me in this area. Please help me to honor and respect my parents truly.”

“God, thank you for Jesus, the one who shows what a perfect example of following the fifth commandment looks like. Please help me to be more like Jesus. Please help me to honor and respect my parents like he did.”

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Jared Salomon is a writer and editor, with a Bachelor of Science in Professional Writing from Taylor University. He is an associate product developer for Childress Ink. He writes Christian fiction, realistic fiction, and fantasy. In his free time, Jared enjoys hanging out with his friends and playing sports (especially tennis).

This article is part of our larger resource library of Christian questions important to the Christian faith. From core beliefs to what the Bible says about angels, we want to provide easy to read and understand articles that answer your questions about Christian living.

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