What Does It Mean to “Keep Aloof from Strife”?

“It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.” Proverbs 20:3

What does this verse mean, and how might we apply it to our interactions today?

What is strife and quarreling?

If we’re suppose to avoid strife and quarreling, it would be a good idea to know specifically what these words mean. There are two different Hebrew words used here. “Strife” translates the Hebrew word רִיב (rîḇ), and “quarreling” translates the Hebrew word גלע (gā·lǎʿ).

The word for strife is frequent in the Old Testament. It is often used in the context of litigation. A strife is when two parties are opposed to one another. You can see an example of this in the story of Abraham and Lot in Genesis 13:7-8. The herders of both of these patriarchs were feuding. It was like the Hatfield and McCoy’s of yore. Strife is what leads to war. 

The Theological Dictionary of the Old Testament gives a helpful summary of the meaning of strife within Wisdom Literature: 

Wisdom literature often warns against strife and contention (māḏôn). Strife is presented as the antithesis of the ideal of self-control (Prov. 15:18; 17:14). Strife is folly and leads to flogging (18:6). It is the consequence of anger (30:33); a quarrelsome person kindles strife (26:21). One should not let fly like a fool but refrain from strife (20:3) and avoid meddling in the quarrel of another (26:17). A dry morsel with quiet is better than a plentiful repast with strife (17:1).

The word that is translated quarreling is only found three times in the OT. All are in the Proverbs. It comes from a root that means “to break out.” It means “exposing,” “laying bare,” “disclosing oneself.” “It then extends to the idea of a snarling dog, who has exposed his teeth in preparation for a fight” (Proverbs: A Mentor Commentary). This is the person who is always clamoring for a fight. 

What does the Proverb mean, then? It means that a wise person will “keep aloof from strife,” but a fool is going to be like the dog who barks at every passerby looking for a fight. The fool is always clamoring for drama. To relate this to social media, the quarreling fool, is the one who scrolls down his feed looking for something to pounce upon, rather than looking for something which sparks joy. 

What does it mean to “keep aloof”?

Different English translations can help us a little here. This is how different versions translate this phrase: 

• NASB: Keeping away from strife…
• NIV: Avoid strife
• ESV: Keep aloof from strife
• NLT: Avoiding a fight
• KJV: Cease from strife
• CSB: Ends a dispute

There does appear to be a little difference between some of these translations. Is this proverb saying to “stay away from” a quarrel, or is it saying to “end” a dispute? The issue is that the root can mean either “sit/remain” or “cease.” One means to never enter into an argument in the first place, and the other is closer to what Abraham did in Genesis 13—being the first to end a quarrel. 

It's likely that both are appropriate. If at all possible, one should avoid a controversy. It is the foolish person who goes about seeking a fight. But there are times when even a wise person could find herself within a controversy. In such a situation, the foolish person will keep the flames of controversy stoked. The fool has to get the last word in. The wise person will end the dispute. 

In his commentary on this text, John Kitchen helpfully shows the relationship between honor and ending disputes: 

Such action is not just wise, but ‘is an honor for a man.’ When insulted, we are quick to defend ourselves: ‘They can’t get away with that!’ ‘What will people think, if I don’t defend myself?’ But, such attempts to defend one’s honor only diminish it. Much more is gained in the eyes of others if we simply walk away from the fight.

What does this mean for us today?

Has our world made this proverb untrue? I’d like to say that “nobody listens to a person who quarrels all the time.” But that’s simply not the case with social media. The people with the widest following and the most engagement are often those who are quarreling. You can amass quite the following by being quarrelsome. 

Entire television stations are dedicated to disobeying this proverb. And rather than being ignored or avoided, they are able to center entire brands around being always offended, always quarreling, and constantly embroiled in some sort of controversy. The social media engagement continues unabated. 

But I suppose that would be defining “honor” by likes, comments, and subscriptions. This is not the way the Bible defines honor. You can gain quite a following by being a quarrelsome person. Yet, this is not the path of wisdom. And communities built upon outrage will always consume themselves. 

This proverb is still true. The God-honoring thing to do is to not be a person of contention. Yes, this will likely mean that you have less engagement on social media. And it might mean that your face to face conversations are not nearly as passionate as they might be if you were bonding over bickering. But it’s certainly the path to peace. 

We can apply this proverb to far more than social media engagement. It’s helpful to assess our relationships and what they are founded upon. You’ve likely heard the phrase “misery loves company.” That’s true for more than misery. Bickering loves an audience as well. We can develop deep bonds with other people by complaining about the same thing. 

There is a faux bonding which takes place when we’re linked together in a quarrel against a common foe. Perhaps, assess your relationships. What are the built upon? What do you talk about when you gather together? Do you discuss the things of beauty? Do the things of Philippians 4:8 mark your conversations—or is it the stuff of fights and quarrels? 

Likewise, it would be helpful to analyze our social media engagement. What am I looking for when I scroll? Am I looking for things I can agree with or things I can disagree with? What grabs my attention? Have I become a snarling dog, looking for somebody wrong on the internet that I can pounce upon? Or am I looking for that which is encouraging?

Sources:
Helmer Ringgren, “רִיב,” ed. G. Johannes Botterweck and Heinz-Josef Fabry, trans. David E. Green, Theological Dictionary of the Old Testament (Grand Rapids, MI; Cambridge, U.K.: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2004), 475.
John A. Kitchen, Proverbs: A Mentor Commentary, Mentor Commentaries (Fearn, Ross-shire, Great Britain: Mentor, 2006), 439.

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