What Women Today Can Learn from the Tragic Story of David’s Daughter, Tamar

Tamar was beautiful (2 Samuel 13:1). We also know that when her tragic story begins, she is probably no more than 14 or 15, because she is an unmarried virgin. The daughters of kings (Bat Hamelech means “princess”) were often used as bargaining chips between kings so as to unite kingdoms. Because she was such an unmarried beauty, we can assume that her youth was, at the start of her biblical story, a factor. 

We know she was the full sister of Absalom and the half-sister of Amnon. 

We know these three were cousins of a man named Jonadab, the son of Shimeah (David’s brother) and that Amnon and he were “friends.” Jonadab, we are told in 13:3, was very shrewd. 

We know Tamar owned and wore a richly ornamented robe (3:18). 

And we know Amnon “was in love” with her (13:1), which would have been prohibited, if not by common sense, then certainly by the Mosaic laws of Israel (Lev. 18:9; 20:17; Deut. 27:22). We believe she may have been a healer within her father’s court, which is why Jonadab came up with a plan that Amnon should feign illness so Tamar could bake him some food (in Hebrew: birya, also translated as bread or cakes). Why would it seem logical that Tamar, of all the cooks in the palace of David, prepare the birya and feed it to Amnon unless she was known for an understanding of the healing qualities found within herbs, spices, and certain foods? 

With diabolical plans in place, Amnon lay down and pretended to be sick, then made sure his father knew of his “illness.” When King David, concerned about the future king’s health, came to see Amnon, the prince made a plea for Tamar to bring him some “special bread” (3:6). Here we see an interesting twist. Earlier, Amnon had told Jonadab that he was in love with “Absalom’s sister,” but here, in his plea to his father, he refers to her as “my sister.”

Ahoti. 

Perhaps David’s paternal pride swelled. Oh, how wonderful, he may have thought. My children from different mothers refer to themselves as family. But what appears innocent is not always.

Once Tamar was alone with Amnon in his bedchamber, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, ahoti.”

We cannot read the rest of this story without feeling Tamar’s fear and desperation presented within the text. She pleads, initially not for herself but for him. “Don’t, ahi (my brother)! Don’t force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel” (3:12). She reminded him of the wickedness of such an act. Her pleas then fell to her. “What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace?” When the attack persisted, she returned to his shame. “You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel” (3:13). Could this have—and shouldn’t this have—cost him his kingship? 

If a man marries his sister, the daughter of either his father or his mother, and they have sexual relations, it is a disgrace. They are to be publicly removed from their people. He has dishonored his sister and will be held responsible (Lev. 20:17).

Perhaps it was this verse of law that led to Tamar’s most desperate cry, “Speak to the king,” she said. Not “our father,” but “the king.” Because David had stretched the law within Deuteronomy 17:17, which speaks of the king not having many wives, perhaps he would overlook the law concerning the marriage of “brothers and sisters.”

This is only speculation. We cannot know her exact thoughts or reasoning. But we can hear the despair and anxiety in her recorded words. And, when we open our ears beyond those we read, we hear Tamar’s muffled cries as her brother assaults her, taking her virginity, her purity, and her cultural ability to one day marry and have children.

Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/globalmoments 

After the rape, the Bible tells us that Amnon hated her more than he had loved her (3:15), that he had a servant throw her out of his bedchamber and “bolt the door after her” (3:18). She tore her robe, put ashes on her head, and went away weeping.

Enter Absalom, who, upon seeing her, said, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you?”

Interesting. With all the men in the palace, why did Absalom zero in on Amnon? 

Then he said, “Be quiet now, ahoti… don’t take this thing to heart” (3:20)

The biblical account of Tamar closes with her going into Absalom’s home, desolate (the Hebrew word used here can also mean desperate). 

But was this the end of the story? Hardly.

Absalom never says a word to Amnon, but he clearly told their father who, the Bible tells us, was furious. But David did nothing. His was now a house divided and, two years, later, Absalom devised a plan that he sold to his father. Within that plan, was the plot to have Amnon killed. With one blow, Absalom became the future king. His brother Amnon was dead (and he revenged the rape of his sister, which made him something of a hero). Since the next in line, Chileab, is apparently already deceased, that left Absalom. 

David received another report, this one distorted. “Absalom has struck down all the king’s sons” (13:30). David and his servants tore their clothes in anguish and David “lay down on the ground.” Enter Jonadad again. “Only Amnon is dead,” he told David. “This has been Absalom’s plan since the day Amnon raped Tamar.” 

Absalom fled to the home of his grandfather, King Talmai. In time, he would return to Jerusalem to challenge David for the throne and be killed by Joab, David’s commander-in-chief and also his nephew. This means, of course, that Joab killed his cousin, even though David had told him not to harm the young man (18:5). 

For all his brilliance as king, for all his ability to build a kingdom, David’s family fell apart. This can easily be traced back to that one act of unrepented violence that, for Amnon, held no initial consequence.

We first read about Gad in 1 Samuel 22. He, like Nathan, was a type of prophet. In 1 Chronicles 21:9, he is referred to as David’s seer. 

1 Chronicles 29 states: As for the events of King David’s reign, from beginning to end, they are written in the records of Samuel the seer, the records of Nathan the prophet and the records of Gad the seer, together with the details of his reign and power, and the circumstances that surrounded him and Israel and the kingdoms of all the other lands (29:29). 

In the 1700s, the Cochin Jews in India discovered a manuscript that had been given to them centuries before by the Yemenite Jews. By the 1800s, this document had made its way to Cambridge University, where it underwent debate and study. 

In 1981, Professor Meir Bar-Ilan (1951- ), a professor of Jewish Studies in Ramat-Gan, Israel, heard about the document. After spending the next 30+ years studying it, he wrote his book, The Words of Gad the Seer, which is the actual text alongside his commentary. This book includes 14 chapters, mostly about King David. But one chapter in particular stood out to Dr. Bar-Ilan—the one that focused on David’s daughter, Tamar, and took her story beyond her brother’s house.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/tovfla 

Tamar was a human being and not just a name found within the Holy Writ. She lived and breathed beyond the few verses found in Samuel’s account of her father’s life and reign. Could there have been redemption for this beautiful young woman? According to the discovered document... yes.

Several years ago, a movement known as #metoo swept the world. The significance was that it encouraged women to tell their stories so that others would know they were not alone.

Look back at Absalom’s words to Tamar. “Be quiet now, ahoti.” And “Don’t take this thing to heart.”

In other words, “Forget about it.”

In the United States alone, one in five women has experienced completed or attempted rape in their lifetime, and nearly 25% of men have experienced some form of contact sexual violence. In the US alone, nearly 81% of women and 43% of men have reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault. The statistic most alarming is that, among women, one in three experienced completed or attempted rape between the ages of 11 and 17.

Just like Tamar. 

But if there is something we can learn from her story—the one found in the Bible and the one within the pages of the discovered document—it is this: life does go on after sexual assault. We are not defined by this. We are so much more than our negative experiences. 

We also know and believe that God takes the broken and makes them whole, that He turns morning into praise.

Tamar’s father penned these timely words: The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). 

Isaiah wrote: For this is what the high and exalted One says—he who lives forever, whose name is holy: “I live in a high and holy place, but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite” (57: 15). 

The author of Hebrews penned: For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (4:15,16).

And we have the words of Jesus, found in John: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (16:33).

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM). For those who have experienced sexual assault of any kind—for those who still struggle with the devastation, the shame, the heartache—please know that you did nothing wrong and that there is hope. There is help. Life does go on. And, if the story we read in The Words of Gad the Seer is true, it goes on beautifully . . . and with remarkable outcomes. 

But also know this: You are not a victim. You are, instead, victorious. You are not alone. You do not have to handle this by yourself. Find a good counselor/counseling center. Talk about it. Find someone within your church or synagogue who is trustworthy and kind. Find a support group and then, in time, be the strength that another needs. And know, above all else, that God—who abhors evil—loves you. You are not desperate or desolate. You are His beautiful, beautiful child.

Just like Tamar.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Alexey_M