Facing Your First Christmas with an Incurable Illness
- Vivian Bricker Contributing Writer
- Published Dec 09, 2024
Truthfully, this past year has been one of the worst years of my life. It started out awful and just continued to get worse over the course of the months. Now that the holidays are approaching, I have been having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit. I want to be happy and joyful, singing Christmas songs, but my heart isn't in it.
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with an incurable illness. While it will not lead to death, it is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. It cannot be cured, but it can be managed with medication and therapy. Sure, it is great it can be managed; however, despite taking medication, there is still breakthrough pain that is debilitating.
Maybe you've been diagnosed with an incurable illness this year and don't know where to go from here. I'm completely with you as I truly don't know what to do. Everyone else is so happy, yet all I want to do is go home, take a pain reliever, and hide from the world. At times, I feel as though I won't even be able to celebrate Christmas because I will bring everyone's joy down.
Accepting the Pain
Through talking with my primary care doctor and specialists, one thing I have learned is that I'm going to have to deal with the pain this illness brings me. As mentioned, I can manage it as best as I can with medicine, but it doesn't mean it is a foolproof plan against the pain. Therefore, I have learned that it is vital to accept the pain and not fight it. The pain will come in waves, but each wave will pass.
Isn't this similar to most things we experience in life? The pain comes, but it will leave. It might be debilitating and terrible, yet it will eventually subside, and we will return to homeostasis. God didn't design our bodies to undergo massive pain or stress. In fact, He wanted us to live in Paradise forever.
When sin sprung into being, so did death, illness, and pain. I have wrongly accused God of causing my pain many times as I have wrongly reasoned that this illness is because of my own sin. Even though, deep down, I know God doesn't cause suffering or repay us for our sins, it is hard to shake this feeling. And then other times, I feel like this pain should have a purpose to teach me something; however, so far, all it has taught me is that I need to keep pain medicine with me at all times.
This is what happens in life. Maybe we feel there should be something deeper to our pain—a meaning or symbolism, if you will. However, at the end of the day, sometimes pain is just pain. There is no purpose to it, nor is it strengthening us. Instead, it is just wearing us out. So how do we continue to live life with purpose? Especially during the holidays?
Living Even Despite the Illness
Reflecting on the upcoming Christmas holiday, I have been thinking a lot about my mom. Her last Christmas would have been December of 2015. She was happy, overjoyed, and her bright and bubbly self. Our family dog was there too and she was running around with her Christmas cardigan on. I didn't know at the time, but this would be the last Christmas season I had with either of them.
My mom had already been diagnosed with heart disease for two years at this point and was doing much better, or at least I had thought. She passed away in October of the next year after struggling in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) for ten days. However, when I reflect on my mom on her final Christmas on this earth, she wasn't depressed, angry, or down.
She was happy and full of joy. While I don't know if I can be happy and full of joy, I know that it is possible. My mom didn't take much time to think about her heart disease or how it would eventually cause her death. Of course, she cried many times and expressed the desire she didn’t want to die, but she knew it was coming. Yet my mom still chose to live with the time she was given. She chose to live because she wanted to be with her family for as long as she could and enjoy her time with us.
Similar to my mom, I have chosen to live. I don't want to spend my days in hiding. I want to live.
Part of making this decision came when I was reflecting on the Book of James, “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes” (James 4:14). Our life here is temporary. Although there will be pain, we can truly live if we choose to do so. Jesus died in order for us to live, and I have chosen to take hold of this blessing. What will you do?
Choosing Faith Over Fear
Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Each day, we must choose faith over fear. Maybe today will be a day of pain, but it is still a day given to us by the Lord. We have to choose to have faith and believe in the promise that Jesus will help us. Even though we might have more days of pain than not, we will never see the good days if we are hiding away.
This Christmas, I challenge you to face the holiday. You and I together are facing our first Christmas with an incurable illness—and that is okay. We will be okay. We might even have the greatest Christmas this year if we would just go to our family Christmas events or spend the day with our immediate family. Whether you have a spouse, kids, parents, or siblings, spend the day with them. Show up, be present, and find something to be grateful for.
You will have a better Christmas if you spend it with loved ones rather than staying home alone. Your family loves you, and they want to celebrate every Christmas with you. Bring your medications, pain medicine, and a journal with you. Continue with your treatment plan, but try to get your mind off your diagnosis for the day.
The more we stop allowing our incurable illness to rule our lives, the happier we will be. Going back to my mom, she never allowed her congestive heart failure diagnosis to define who she was or what she did. Her cardiologist told her that the most she could do was walk to the mailbox, yet my mom worked up to walking 1-2 miles a day.
Rather than giving up, we need to keep trying until the end. We need to make the most of this blessed Christmas season. When we reflect upon our lives, we don’t want them to be defined by missed opportunities. Instead, we want to know that we lived fully, with no regrets. Although it can be hard, try to face Christmas this year and treasure the glistening memories.
