How Do You Process the Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent?

One day, out of the blue, my younger daughter asked me, “Mom, are you and Dad okay with us not having children?”

“Of course, we are okay, Honey. You and your husband are adults and will have plenty of decisions to make in your lives together. You are sweet to consider our feelings, but we believe that is a decision you must make yourselves. You are both intelligent and know what you believe God is telling you what to do about children. He may have other plans for you and your marriage.”

Before she got married, this daughter talked with her husband, and together, they decided they really didn’t want to have children. They had plenty of nieces and nephews and really didn’t want children of their own. They thought they could have plenty of fun as an aunt and uncle someday and really didn’t need or want the 24/7 job of parenting.

“But, Mom, I know how you have wanted grandchildren, looked forward to having them, and would be happy with a house full of them. I don’t want you to be disappointed in us.”

“I am never disappointed in you. The only disappointment would be if I thought you made such an important decision based on what you thought I wanted rather than based on what you knew God wanted for you and your husband. I know He has a plan for you as a couple, which may or may not include children. You need to listen to His direction. I love you both because of who you are, not because you have children.”

I genuinely meant that. The only negative to our entire conversation was that I hated to have them miss the blessing of having sweet little ones to pour into their lives.

Many of my friends have grandchildren, but I know others who don’t. When they have a conversation with their children about their decisions not to have children, it makes them sad and creates a grieving process as to what they had been hoping for and what would now never be. So, how can they get over that sadness and the fact that they would probably never have anyone to call them “Nana” or “Popsie”? Just as it may be God’s plan for your children not to have offspring, his plan for you may be to never be called Grandma and Grampa. Here are a few suggestions to help you work through “grandparent grief.”

-First on your list should be to talk to God about how you feel. Remind Him you have always wanted to be grandparents. Why couldn’t He grant that one simple wish? Spend as much time as you can with Him and listen carefully to His answers. Tell Him how much you want to follow His plan for your life but how hard it is right now. Ask God to show you His plan and how He can use you in so many ways. Concentrate on all the wonderful things you have. Not what you don’t.

-“Adopt” some grandchildren. These days, there are a lot of children who live thousands of miles from their grandparents. Look around at church or your neighborhood to find children who are missing out on that part of their lives. Make friends with them, invite them to go to the movies, come over and bake cookies, and go shopping together. Many solid relationships that are generations apart start out this way.

-See if your local high school has a mentoring program. Mentoring is a big thing these days and can make such a difference in a young person’s life. The school guidance counselor can suggest children who would benefit from having a mentor.

-Perhaps you would like to “adopt” another entire family. Their extended family may live far away, and you can mentor the parents while at the same time loving their children as you would your grandchildren. Invite them to your home for the holidays and celebrate together. Remember their birthdays and attend their school plays, ball games, etc.

-Remember, God has given us many wonderful gifts. The gift of life and the gift of His Son can’t be overlooked. Without those things, life would always be the same. Think about the times you have asked God for something, and He didn’t give you what you had asked for. How did you feel? What did you do to get over those feelings?

Many psychologists caution clients not to look at grief as something they automatically get over. It is a process that you must go through step by step. For some people, the steps are passed through quickly, but for others, it is necessary to camp there for a period of time. Deep grief is personal, and different folks deal with it differently. So don’t put pressure on yourself to accept grief and deal with it the same way your next-door neighbor did.

If you are a believer, go to God with your hurt, acknowledging that He has a plan and knows what’s best for your family. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). Thank Him for your immediate family and let Him know how thankful you are for the blessings of your children. When you are ready to go out again, put a smile on your face with a thankful heart, and try a new activity such as the ones above.

You may not have biological grandchildren, but there are many children who pray every night for a Grandma to love them. You might be just the person to introduce them to God’s love and to show them how God answers prayers.

Linda Gilden is an award-winning writer, speaker, editor, certified writing and speaking coach, and personality consultant. Her passion is helping others discover the joy of writing and learn to use their writing to make a difference. Linda recently released Articles, Articles, Articles! and is the author of over a thousand magazine articles and 19 books including the new Quick Guides for Personalities. She loves every opportunity to share her testimony, especially through her writing. Linda’s favorite activity (other than eating folded potato chips) is floating in a pool with a good book surrounded by splashing grandchildren—a great source of writing material!