3 Right Ways and 3 Wrong Ways to Respond to LGBTQ+ People

Kids. Dogs. Jobs. That’s what Nate (not his real name) and I talked about at our neighborhood Christmas party one year (post COVID). His dog, Blue, was a beautiful purebred Husky, with nearly translucent blue eyes, hence the name. My dog, on the other hand, was an erratic rescue mutt, with eyes the color of ground cinnamon. Come to find out, we had more in common than our pets, too. Nate’s daughters played volleyball just like my own daughters did. Over the course of that evening, Nate and I laughed and joked and had a very nice conversation. And not for a second did it bother me that Nate was gay.

A 2015 Pew Research report indicated that a vast majority of people (88%) personally know someone who identifies as gay, lesbian, trans, bisexual, non-binary, etc., whether they were a relative, friend, co-worker, or neighbor. I can only imagine that percentage is higher now, seven years later. Maybe even at 100%.

In my situation, my own LGBTQ+ acquaintance is currently Nate, my neighbor. But I have known other homosexuals in the past, and my teenaged son has brought home some of his friends to hang out at our house for movie nights. Two of whom identify as bi-sexual and lesbian. 

As human beings created in God’s image, first and foremost, LGBTQ+ people, like Nate and my son’s friends, express the same likes and dislikes as heterosexuals do. They share similar wants and desires and dreams as those in the straight community: they want to succeed in their jobs, see their kids excel in school, take care of their homes, travel to exotic locales. And like heterosexuals, they want to be treated equitably, with respect and dignity.  

“They are more than their sexuality or gender,” says Matt Mikalatos, author of Good News for a Change. “It’s easy for straight people to think of sexuality and gender in the LGBTQ community as definitional rather than descriptive. When we label others, it’s easier to distance ourselves from their humanity and to emphasize our differences.”

Yet, that is what we are doing in our country currently: labeling and differentiating—whether it’s with politics, the environment, reproductive right, or gender identity. And many times, believers are the most culpable. 

How can we change that? How can we, as believers who espouse Biblical tenants, exude Christ to all people, including those in the LGBTQ+ community? 

Let me suggest three right ways and three wrongs ways.

1. With gentleness, not with judgment.

In its original Greek translation, gentleness means “courteous, noble, polite, civil.” Politeness and civility should characterize God’s people with regard to their conduct and demeanor toward others, regardless of others’ sexual or spiritual orientation: heterosexual or homosexual, saved or unsaved.

“Gentleness is a strong hand with a soft touch,” says Gary Thomas at Focus on the Family. “It is a tender, compassionate approach toward others’ weaknesses and limitations. A gentle person still speaks truth, sometimes even painful truth, but in doing so guards his tone so the truth can be well received.” While his article’s audience is parents, the principle of gentleness still applies to all relational interactions.

We see the character of gentleness best demonstrated in and by Jesus, who said of himself, “I am gentle and humble in heart” (Matthew 11:29). His gentle demeanor attracted many to him, including all manner of sinners. They found in Jesus a quality they had not experienced before from their own community or religious leaders. From them, they had only experienced judgment.

Jesus did not judge them, however. “Jesus can deal gently with the ignorant and wayward,’” writes Dane Ortlund in his book “Gentle and Lowly.” “The point is that Jesus deals gently and only gently with all sinners who come to him, irrespective of their particular offense and just how heinous it is. What elicits tenderness from Jesus is not the severity of the sin but whether the sinner comes to him. Whatever our offense, he deals gently with us.”

Gentleness should be manifested in God’s people, as well, given it is one of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). “Gentleness today may be the single most misunderstood Spirit-produced virtue of the nine,” says David Mathis, executive editor at desiringgod.org. “Two millennia later, gentleness is often used as a positive spin on weakness. But gentleness in the Bible is emphatically not a lack of strength, but the godly exercise of power. Gentleness does not signal a lack of ability but the added ability to steward one’s strength so that it serves good, life-giving ends rather than bad, life-taking ends.

Yet, more often than not, believers can be judgmental, and harshly so. Such hurtful words have been slung at those in the LGBTQ+ community. “You’re an abomination” or “You’re a freak of nature.”  Such words come from a “life-taking” spirit of judgmentalism, not a “life-giving” spirit of gentleness. 

Our words are not meant to divide and polarize. They are meant to attract, not attack. “A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition” (1 Tim 2: 24-25, emphasis mine). Also “a gentle tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). 

Furthermore, where passing judgment is concerned, interestingly it is those “inside” the faith community whom we are to Biblically scrutinize and hold morally and ethically accountable. “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?” said the great Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 5:12. Yet, even in judging our fellow laborers in Christ, we still must employ humility, mercy, and gentleness (James 2:12-13). Why? Because we are all flawed, prone to fall into sin ourselves at any given moment. Therefore, it is best (and Biblical) to leave the judgment of sin-steeped unbelievers—whether it’s an LGBTQ+ person, a thief, a murderer, an adulterer, a drug addict, an alcoholic, etc.—to God. That is his “business,” not ours.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/lorenzoantonucci 

2. With compassion, not with condemnation.

As mentioned earlier, harsh, hateful words and personal (or public) shaming of an LGBTQ+ person—or anyone, for that matter—only shuts the door on Gospel opportunities. Our unkind, condemning words turn people off to and away from hearing the life-saving message of Jesus Christ.

Jesus knew this, which was why he responded the way he did in John 8:7-11, when the Pharisees dragged an adulterous woman before him to be condemned to stoning. “‘Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her,’” Jesus said. Then he waited for the accusation to hit home. “At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’ ‘No one, sir,’ she said. ‘Then neither do I condemn you,’ Jesus declared. ‘Go now and leave your life of sin’.”

Why didn’t Jesus condemn the adulterous woman? Because Jesus did not come to earth to judge and condemn sinners; he came to seek and to save them. Also, he wanted to give the woman the opportunity to “go now and leave your life of sin.” Had he condemned her right there on the spot, she would have not had the chance to accept Jesus into her heart, change her ways, and worship him.

Jesus knew to leave the judging and the condemning to God the Father. As should we.

3. With pity, not with persecution.

Pity is a sympathetic sorrow for the suffering or unhappiness of others. It is comparable to compassion, condolence, or empathy. Given this definition, LGBTQ+ people are—as are all sinners—to be pitied, not persecuted (“seeking to punish with vengeance”). Rather than punish—either with words or actions—we should express an attitude of sorrow over the fact that these people are prisoners of their sinful passions. Because their hearts are desperately sick and evil, they can’t help but follow after their unregenerated fleshly desires, which give birth to sin (Jeremiah 17:9; James 1:14). They are also under the deception and lies of Satan, who somehow makes perverted, sexual sin attractive. 

Our pity should come from a posture of humility, too, as we recall that we once walked in sin’s shoes, following after and indulging in our own sinful desires—whatever they may have been. Therefore, we believers, of all people—saved only because of God’s great love and mercy—should be most piteous (sympathetic) toward the unregenerate LGBTQ+ and not persecute them.

Conclusion

When it comes to engaging with an LGBTQ+ person—like my neighbor or my son’s friends—treat them as you yourself want to be treated. Engage with them in normal, everyday conversations. Engage with them in meaningful conversations. Just engage with them. Don’t fixate on their sexual orientation or try to “fix” it. Understand them as a person, first and foremost. And once you have gained their trust and respect, then gently, with compassion and pity, step through the door of Gospel opportunity, if and when it opens.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/julief514 

Denise is a former newspaper reporter and current freelance writer. She has been published in numerous online and print publications. She is also a former Women's Bible Study teacher. Denise's passion is to use her writing to bless, encourage, and inform others. She lives outside of Chicago with her husband and two children (another has grown and flown). You can find Denise at denisekohlmeyer.com.