5 Ways to Let People Know You Care When You Don't Know What to Say
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- Updated Aug 25, 2023
Over the past few months, numerous friends have lost someone close to them. One friend lost her mother unexpectedly, another her grandmother who played an instrumental role in her upbringing, and another experienced the death of several family members back-to-back within a matter of weeks.
Loss Is Tough
The reality is that the death of a loved one is never easy. It doesn’t matter your age; it is difficult to accept and continue moving forward without the presence of someone we deeply care about.
To make matters worse, during our most vulnerable time, at the height of our grief, we are expected to host visitors, entertain family and friends, and at least try to make it through a conversation without bursting into tears.
People have often joked that I could talk to a brick wall, and while that is true for the most part, I can never seem to find the words when offering condolences.
“I am sorry for your loss,” “I know they are in a better place,” or “ I am here if you need me” just don’t seem to convey my sincere sympathy.
If you start to feel queasy at just the thought of going through the receiving line, producing pleasantries to people you may not know well, then you’re in good company.
I desire to show that I care, but sometimes, the awkward interactions, sweaty palms, and long periods of silence make me avoid the situation completely.
I know they aren’t judging me for not having some profound statement or over-top words of encouragement, yet it still bothers me that I cannot do more for them.
But over the years, I’ve discovered that we don’t always have to fill the space with words. There are many ways to let people know you care for them. So next time you don’t know what to say, consider trying one of the ideas to let friends, family, and other people in life know we care.
1. Let Them Know You Prayed for Them Today
Yes, many people will share that they are praying for those grieving, “I am praying for you” is often said to relieve the tension or offer a quick response when we don’t know what to say.
While I am sure many people take time to pray in the moment, I wonder how many continue to pray over days, weeks, months, or years.
After some time, text, maybe even type out your prayer, and let them know you prayed over them today. Taking the time to remember they are still grieving, even though the world has seemed to move on, will speak volumes.
2. Share Specific Ways You Can Help
“Let me know if you need anything.” Again, this is another one of those sayings that people offer, and for the most part, genuinely mean during someone’s time of need. But I would argue there’s not much follow-through for various reasons.
One, most people hesitate to ask for help; two, life gets busy, and we simply forget to check in. Instead of a general service invitation, let them know specific ways you can.
Tell them you will take their children for a night, so they have a few hours to process their grief without distraction. Offer to bring them meals two times a week while they transition to life without their loved one.
Invite them to your house for coffee, game night, watching a movie, or hanging out. If it’s an older person, let them know you will help clean their house or mow the lawn for a season.
Or you can offer to take over some of their service responsibilities at church, like the nursery, greeter team, or hospitality crew.
There are countless ways we can tangibly help someone as they process their grief. Some might be reluctant to let you help or say they are fine. We don’t want to push too hard, but ask again before accepting a “no, I am good.”
3. Remember the Firsts
I woke up to a text from a friend who had lost her mother, and it said, “Today is the first time I haven’t talked to my mom on my birthday.”
Unfortunately, this was the first of many unwanted firsts that year. The first Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, baby showers, weddings, and the first year of celebrations without your loved one is always the hardest.
One of the ways we can empathize with our hurting friends is to remember them during this season of firsts. Make a note of their loved one’s birthday or their wedding anniversary and send a card or text on that day.
Our care team at church sends a monthly note of encouragement when someone loses a loved one for an entire year. Many have shared that it was a blessing to know that people still cared about them and their grief months after losing someone special.
If able, offer to take them out to eat on these days of “firsts,” it doesn’t need to be fancy, just a physical reminder someone cares about them and sees they are hurting.
4. Sit in Silence
For many of us, silence makes us uncomfortable. I am one of those people, so I struggle and feel awful when my words aren’t enough to provide comfort or encouragement. But, sometimes, it isn’t our words that people need to hear, but our presence.
They need to feel our arms wrapped around their shoulders while they cry in pain. They need the support of a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, or just the peace of knowing they don’t have to walk through this alone.
Giving our time to sit with someone, whether or not words are exchanged, is one of the greatest gifts we can offer to someone grieving the loss of a loved one.
5. Share a Memory
While this may not be an option in all situations, if you knew the person who passed away, share a remarkable memory of that person with the family.
It can be how they touched your life, something kind they did for you, something sweet they said, or maybe a funny story; it is a great comfort to those grieving to hear memories of their loved one.
If you don’t know the person who passed away, ask their friends or family to share a memory with you, something they were known for, a quirky personality trait, or a fun time they shared.
Depending on the time and circumstances, it may take a while before some people can talk about the person they lost. That’s okay; we all grieve differently. Be prepared to listen when they are ready to open up.
Unfortunately, death is a part of this life; how wonderful that those who know Christ have eternal life, where death will lose its sting, and we will be in the presence of our Lord and Savior forever! Until then, let us continue to seek to mourn with those who mourn and provide comfort where we can.
For further reading:
Words of Affirmation for Your Wife
Why Christians Can Be Bad at Being Kind
5 Ways to Use Loving Words with Your Spouse
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/dragana991
Related article:
7 Healthy Ways Christians Can Deal with Grief
She lives in Upstate South Carolina with her husband and three young girls, where she serves as director of women's ministries at her church. Her passion is teaching the Bible to women, equipping them to live with an eternal perspective. Invite Laura to speak at your next event or learn more: www.LauraRBailey.com
