Are You an Active Listener? 

"There they go again," he chuckled. "Her eyes are glazing over."

We were at my husband's business party when this statement was made – about me. At the time, I graciously laughed along, but the car ride home was anything but filled with grace. My glazed-over eyes quickly became filled with fury. How could he say something like that? 

Have you ever been there? Caught in the middle of a situation that rings true but cuts deep. Fortunately, that was several years ago, and we've both learned a little bit about ourselves from that encounter. While my sweet husband learned I wasn't too fond of being a punchline to his casual and witty comments, I learned that my husband truly needed me to be a better lister. Sigh. Isn't it just like our God to shape and mold us through the uncomfortable times? Pointing out areas in our lives where we need a little fine-tuning.

So, what does God say about being an active listener?

James 1:19 says that everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

James is referring to listening to others with compassion and self-control. By being willing to offer our listening as a gift to those that open up their heart and share their story with us. Did you notice the three key points made in the verse above? Quick to listen. Slow to speak. Slow to become angry.

Quick to Listen

We live in a society that is quick to do many things. We rush from one event to the next. We have mastered the art of being efficient with our time, and in many ways, we are already quick to listen. We listen a lot, actually. There is noise everywhere we turn, from news to social media to songs blaring on the radio to our daily activities. But, have you noticed how we've also gotten rather good at tuning things out if it doesn't grasp and keep our attention? Just look at the videos on Tik Tok, for instance; they are becoming more and more eccentric. Yet we still gravitate to them or scroll quickly past if the first two seconds don't draw us in.

Listening may come naturally for us, but active listening, on the other hand, does not. And that's precisely what James is referring to in the verse above (James 1:19). He is asking us as believers to listen with an open heart and open mind. To be attentive, active, and involved with what others are saying. Listening that requires more than flooding our brains with more noise or merely looking at someone and "pretending to be interested." When we add more noise to our already busy lives, we produce stress, which isn't good for anyone. We must be more intentional about what we choose to listen to and quick to listen to those that need our ear.

By giving others our full attention and being "quick to listen," we let them know we care about what they have to say. We tell them their story matters. We let them know we enjoy spending time with them, and they are valuable to us.

We can be quick to listen by:

1. Staying focused.
2. Repeating some of their comments and answering questions.
3. Offering a compassionate gesture such as smiling, hugging them, or crying right along with them.
4. Praying for them.

Slow to Speak

We may be called to quickly listen, but we are also called to pause before speaking. Wait. Then respond. This one is so very difficult for me. As a nervous talker, I often blurt out what first pops up in my mind because I honestly hate the uncomfortable silence. While that may seem like a foreign concept for many of us due to the vast amount of noise we are surrounded by daily, there is beauty found in those silent moments. That's because we can pause and pray in those times, inviting God into our conversations. He can then lead our voice and offer a response when the time is right.

Jesus provides a beautiful example for us on listening well and speaking slowly. Jesus was deliberate in His answers, yet thoughtful. He poised His words with great care and tact. We can see how He answered many people throughout Scripture. All the while bringing the conversation back to the person He was with at the moment. Jesus was full of compassion, and His words were spoken with purpose. His quick to listen and slow response time showed how He cared deeply for people.

When we pause to think before we speak, we can use the gift of our words to spread love and life. In the end, we can show others who Jesus is just by the way we listen to them intently and wait to speak so they feel understood and heard.

We can be slow to speak by:

1. Not feeling the need to fill in the silent moments.
2. Inviting God into the conversation.
3. Giving others the opportunity to speak and waiting to respond.

Slow to Anger

Our God is slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love, forgiving sin and rebellion. (Numbers 14:18) That should reassure us that God, being a loving God, forgives us when we fail with our words or come on too strong with our emotions and tempers. However, that doesn't permit us to act in an unrighteous way. Instead, this verse calls us to obedience. It calls us to act in self-control when listening to others—realizing that our words carry consequences and can either speak life or destroy. Knowing this should make us think before we speak and hold back words that could cause harm or unneeded tension. Basically, our words should be spoken in love.

In a world where many are being shunned for the words they use or chastised for saying the wrong thing, we need to offer words of hope and encouragement. We need to bring peace instead of causing more division. We need to tame our tongue and control our anger because, let's be honest, it doesn't benefit anybody when words come on too strong.

Being slow to anger isn't always easy; there will be times we fall to the sins of our flesh. We will act out in ways where we later become filled with remorse. But we must hold tight to God's Truth and promises. He is a good God, but He is also just. While we are forgiven if we go to God with a pure heart, we will also be held accountable for every word we say. (Matthew 12:36) That in and of itself is quite humbling. So, when we feel the flood of heat rush over us, and the words begin forming on the tip of our tongue, we must pause. And then allow for space and grace.

Offering space allows for the heat flame of anger to cool down. It is stepping away and removing yourself from a situation. The act of giving grace is extending forgiveness to others, maybe even yourself. It is also acknowledging the other person's feelings. Letting them know you hear them and understand their frustration or concerns, but need to bow out gracefully before you say or do something you will regret.

We can be slow to anger by:

1. Using self-control before speaking and making sure the words are said in love.
2. Giving yourself or others grace and space.
3. Granting forgiveness when needed.
4. Acknowledging and validating another's feelings.

Active listening requires discipline on our part. It requires that we first put our trust in the Lord, inviting Him into our conversations. Then it is opening up our heart asking God to reveal what it is we need to say in a gentle and loving way.

Are you being an active listener? Next time you converse with a loved one, be mindful if you are adhering to James' call for us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Related articles: 

What it Really Means to Be 'Slow to Speak'

4 Steps to Practice Great Listening

How Can I Be 'Slow to Anger' in Today's World?

Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.