How to Help Someone Dealing with the Loss of a Loved One Due to Suicide?

Updated Nov 16, 2022
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Chad Miller

The following is a transcript of the video above, edited for readability.

It's hard to imagine the pain and the agony and the devastation that suicide brings to those that are connected to that person. It reminds us that we don't live our lives in a vacuum. That act reminds us that everything we do touches somebody. Even the most marginalized and alone person that chooses to take their life, it affects somebody, and I have seen some very well-meaning Christians say some very poorly chosen words in times of grief and crisis for families, and our intentions are pure and noble, and we want to bring comfort to those who are hurting. I would remind the believer that one of the most incredible things that you probably use to describe your best friend in the world is not, "Man, I love them because they talk so much." It's usually, "I love them because they're such a good listener and they're there for me."

One of the greatest things that you can give a family who is going through the incredible unimaginable trauma of suicide that's affected their family is just to be there. Don't try to explain it. Don't try to figure it out. Don't say more than you need to say, because the reality is you don't know and you don't understand. Some of the things not to say in crisis situations, almost regardless of the crisis, but, "I understand what you're going through," or, "This has got to be tough on you," and we've even learned one thing with our chaplain ministry that we don't say, "How you doing?" Because it puts the person that's like, "What do you mean how am I doing? How do you think I'm doing?" A better response might be, "How are you holding up?" Because it lets them know that you know there's pain involved. Just be there. Just be there. Don't try to figure it out. Read scriptures from Psalms or pick some comforting scriptures that have comforted you in times of crisis, but don't say more than you are qualified to say in situations like this.

(Article first published September 9, 2012)

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Does Suicide Bring Condemnation?

The Mystery of God’s Purposes

There is such an infinite difference between God and us that one thing is sure: the way he runs the world will often puzzle us.

O, the depth of the riches and the wisdom and the knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways. For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? (Romans 11:33-34)

The Revelation of God’s Purposes

But God has not left us in total ignorance. He has revealed some of his purposes in his Son, Jesus, and in his Word, the Bible. The broad and large and final purposes of God are made clear. But God has left us to trust him in the strange ways in which he goes about achieving his final purposes.

The Apostle Paul

One of the strangest stories in the Bible is the story about the great apostle Paul who wrote almost half the books in the New Testament. Paul in his full years was a great man, greater than any of us.

He was great in faith. He said, “I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed” (2 Timothy 1:12). He saw every one of the crushing circumstances that entered his life as another motive to rely more on God and less on himself (2 Corinthians 1:9).

Paul was also great in love. O, how he loved his churches and poured out his life not just for his own pleasure, but for the eternal good of his people. He could be severe with powerful words, or he could be tender like a nurse taking care of her children (1 Thessalonians 1:7; 2 Corinthians 7:8). But whatever he did, and whatever he said, he aimed at the “joy of their faith” (2 Corinthians 1:24). He loved them and would have given his life for them (Romans 9:2).

And Paul was great in wisdom. St. Peter said that all Paul’s writings were the product of God-given wisdom (2 Peter 2:15). And Paul himself had to admit that God had blessed him with insights into divine truth which no one else yet knew (1 Corinthians 2:10-13). There is nothing more profound in all the writings of mankind than Paul’s letter to the Romans. He was great in wisdom.

And lastly, he was great in freedom. His rallying cry was: “For freedom Christ has set us free” (Galatians 5:1). He enjoyed freedom from guilt because he trusted wholly in Christ’s forgiveness which he purchased on the cross; freedom from fear and hopelessness because he believed the promises of God and kept his eye on God’s mercy; freedom from enslaving sinful habits: he said, “All things are lawful for me, but I will not be enslaved by any” (1 Corinthians 6:12). He was a free man, even in jail.

Now that might be discouraging because none of us in this room is great like St. Paul. But there are two strange things about how Paul got to his greatness. The first is that Paul was not always great. He was once a murderer, full of rage against God and the church. The Bible says, “He was breathing out threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord” (Acts 9:1). He was not a man of faith, nor love, nor wisdom, nor freedom. He was enslaved to anger and hate, because he felt his life threatened by Christianity. It is an amazing thing that God chose a man like this to be his main spokesman in the early church. God called him and utterly turned him around. Paul was so shook he didn’t eat for three days. Then he spent several years away from home to sort things out, and gradually a new man emerged.

That’s strange enough—that God should choose such a man. But the most amazing and unexpected thing we learn is that God had already chosen Paul to be an apostle when he was still in his mother’s womb. Paul said, “He set me apart before I was born and called me through his grace” (Galatians 1:15). Do you see what that means? God chose him for greatness, and then let him become a murderer before he called him into his service. Who would have ever thought of such a procedure? His ways are not our ways. Why did he do it this way? Why let Paul become such a sinner before transforming him into greatness?

Here is Paul’s own explanation:

I am the foremost of sinners; but I received mercy for this reason, that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience, for an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life (1 Timothy 1:15-16).

This is truly amazing. God set apart Paul before he was born; chose him to become a great apostle of Christ; then he let Paul fall into years, decades, of sin and even murder (the “foremost” of sinners); and then, only then, did God work mightily to make Paul a new man. Why? All for our sake: so we might clearly see that God has remarkable patience and can transform the foremost of sinners. He is rich in mercy.

Two Insights

That leaves us with two crucial insights and a question:

God’s ways are strange and we must be slow to pass judgment on his wisdom and love.
There is great mercy and long-suffering and patience and forgiveness with God. Anyone who will trust him can be made new.

A Question

Finally the question: What about our friend? Was she made new when she put her life into the hands of God? We have good reason to think she was on the new road. Not instant change, but on the road. The wounds of sin don’t heal easily.

But then came the suicide. And in our minds there lingers the question: Is she safe with Christ? Or does suicide bring condemnation? Jesus has a word for us here:

Truly I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they utter; but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness but is guilty of eternal sin (Mark 3:28-29).

Only one thing puts a person beyond forgiveness: blaspheming against the Holy Spirit. But this is not any single act, for Jesus says any sins and blasphemies will be forgiven those who follow him. No. Blasphemy against the Spirit of God is treating the Spirit as dirt by continually and persistently resisting and rejecting this call to repentance until death.

No single sin, not even suicide, evicts a person from heaven into hell. One thing does: continual rejection of God’s Spirit. Our friend, we believe, gave up that resistance and accepted the forgiveness of Christ. What sort of momentary weakness, what brief cloud of hopelessness caused her to take her life remains a mystery. But no one can say this: that her final act is unforgivable. Nor any other act by any of us. For Jesus said: all sins will be forgiven the sons of men if they give up resisting the Spirit and look to Jesus for salvation.

(Excerpted from Funeral Meditation for a Christian Who Committed Suicide. by John Piper. © Desiring God. Used with Permission)

If a Christian Commits Suicide, Do They Still Go to Heaven?

The following is a transcribed Video Q&A with Joe Thorn, so the text may not read like an edited article would. Scroll to the bottom to view this video in its entirety.

"The question really is, can a person who has been forgiven of their sins, who has been received by God through the mercy and the merits of Jesus ... can that person do something to be unforgiven? Can they somehow lose their standing before God? That's the real question: Can we lose our salvation?

The answer to that is no. Can a Christian, one who's been born again by the mercy of God, commit suicide and go to Heaven? The answer is yes because our standing before God is not based on how well we perform. It isn't based upon our own obedience, but the obedience of Jesus.

Now, some people would suggest that a person who really is born again, who has experienced God's grace, who really has faith, that person wouldn't commit suicide. Some people reason that way. Well, a true Christian would never commit murder or would never commit suicide, which is essentially what suicide is. But I don't think you can give a fair reading of scripture without seeing men who know God, who have been the recipients of his converting grace, who have then committed horrible acts, who have done the wrong thing, who have committed murder or who have done things that we would say, "Wow, Christians aren't supposed to do that."

So a Christian who unfortunately, who tragically, in the midst of confusion and despair and loses their way, they may commit suicide, but if they know Christ ... if they've been justified ... they're received by their father."