False Connections through Gossip

But is using gossip to align behavior with social norms a healthy activity? Or does it create a culture of fear, intimidation, and shame? Proverbs 18:8 explains, “The words of a whisperer [gossip] are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body” (ESV). For good or for bad, the spoken word sinks deep into our soul, creating a lens through which we define ourselves and our place in the world around us. 

Words have significant power in our lives, so words that are spoken carelessly or without truth or proper intent damage everyone involved, the speaker, the hearer, and the offended party. “The tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness” (Jas. 3:6), and while it can provide blessing and benefit, “no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (Jas. 3:8, ESV). 

Words matter, especially for Christians as followers of the Word, made in the Image of God to proclaim the Word of Life that comes from the Giver of Life (Gen. 2:7). If we love God and love people, we cannot bring care and blessing to others while also causing hurt and falsehood (Jas. 3:10–12). Why is it so easy to be duplicitous with our mouths? As in Paul’s struggle from Romans 7, why do we find ourselves torn between the evil and the good—quick to denounce the harm of gossip spoken against us while in the same breath sharing intimate secrets or unfounded rumors about others? 

It’s not you, it’s me.

As the Oxford English Dictionary explains, the etymology of gossip comes from the terms God and sib, referring to the sponsor or godparent for a person at their baptism. This origin recognizes the close, familial relationship expected of a gossiper, sharing intimate details only family and friends would know. This intimate relationship is what makes gossip both so tantalizing and destructive simultaneously. A gossip trades the trust earned in friendship and intimacy for credibility, connection, or credit in other social relationships. “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends” (Prov. 16:28, ESV). Gossip banks on the trust established in one relationship to deposit credibility in a new relationship, establishing bonds of false intimacy around the misfortune of another. 

The polarity of fear and intimacy created in gossip establishes the boundaries of social norms that are unspoken and ever changing. The need for attention and affirmation is baked into our identity, wanting to be seen, safe, and soothed in secure relationships. Kyla wants to fit in and be accepted, and Samantha uses her knowledge and relationships to gain an ally for establishing social norms. Before sin, we had nothing to hide so intimacy with God and others was open and easy as we were “naked and unashamed” (Gen. 2:25). 

At the moment of the Fall, people sought to control what is seen and known by God and others, losing the safety and intimacy of transparency to the self-protection and insecurity of fear and shame (Gen. 3:8). Gossip plays on this dynamic, allowing us to connect through the sharing of intimate details while protecting ourselves—like our first parents did with fig leaves—because the details are about someone else and not us. But this dynamic is reciprocal, and with each shared secret we limit our ability to be trusted with secrets, trading an ever-reducing commodity of connection we crave. 

We bond in friendship through mutual interests, sharing experiences over space and time. As C. S. Lewis said, “What draws people to be friends is that they see the same truth [and] they share it.”  True intimacy aligns in reciprocal and transparent relationship around shared truths. Gossip perverts this intimacy by vying on its connection to build up the gossiper alone. Gossip never mutually edifies but establishes a relationship of power over shame. Gossip causes the hearer to think, I’m glad that wasn’t me! This use of gossip allows leaders to maintain control by shaping the narrative and culture through the thrill of false intimacy and fear, tattling to shift the focus of the group from oneself to another. 

“If you can’t say something nice…”

We all know people who like to gossip because those are the people we seek out when we want inside information. We benefit from gossip, but if our words are tearing one another down, we are only hurting ourselves as “we are members of one another” (Eph. 4:25). As Bambi’s friend Thumper suggested, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” If our tongues are like fire, we need to regulate their application more carefully and direct it toward the appropriate settings and purposes (Prov. 26:20; Eph. 4:29). And if Uncle Ben was right to claim “with great power comes great responsibility,” then the power of our words cannot just be the absence of harm but the intentional edification and affirmation of others. 

When you are tempted to share a juicy piece of gossip or the recipient of said gossip, consider the following:

• What is the motive or intent of this information? Will it build up and give grace to those who hear (Eph. 4:29)? 
• Who is the information about? Would the person about whom the information is shared grow to be more like Christ with this telling (Eph. 4:29)?
• Does the flow of this message spring from the same source of blessing God and others (James 3:9-12)? 
• If it is an issue of injustice or concern, is action required upon hearing (James 1:22-23)? 

Instead of denigrating the misfits on campus, Samantha could welcome Kyla and share information on opportunities to connect with other students and advice on how to form friends. Even if Samantha’s gossip wasn’t intentionally malicious, it served as an idle shortcut in establishing a connection and rapport by trading on intimacies gained through the trust of others. Followers of Jesus ought to avoid and encourage others to avoid idle communication (Matt. 12:34b-37), ensuring that our lips pour out the gospel, not gossip. 

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Westend61

Seth L. Scott, PhD, NCC, LPC-S is an associate professor of clinical mental health counseling at Columbia International University in Columbia, South Carolina and provides clinical counseling and supervision in the community through his counseling practice, Sunrise Counseling. Seth, his wife, Jen, and their two middle school children enjoy outdoor activities, reading together as a family, board games, and meeting people through Jen’s pottery business at galleries and festivals.