How Do I Deal with Grief? A Conversation with My Dad in Heaven
Editor's Note: Dr. Roger Barrier went to be with the Lord on February 16th, 2024. Dr. Barrier's family is honoring his legacy by continuing the ministry of Ask Roger and preachitteachit.org for years to come as they share more than two thousand still-unpublished sermons and Ask Roger articles. All articles authored by Dr. Barrier that are published and republished are done posthumously.
(Brie): It has been just over a year now since my beloved father, Dr. Roger Barrier, went to be with the Lord. My friends and readers, grief is hard. It’s long. It’s heartbreaking. But you and I don’t have to walk this journey alone. In dealing with his passing and the immense grief that comes with that, I wanted to share a conversation with you. What you will find in this article are the questions I ask in my grief, and the answers I’ve found as I dove into some of my dad’s teaching about grief and comfort. I love that it’s biblically sound, practical, and effective. I hope his words help you as much as they helped me!
(Roger): Far too often, we say the wrong things at funerals. No matter how well-meaning, people don’t really help the family deal with grief. I’ve heard explanations about why God let the deceased person die so young; encouragement that they would eventually get over the pain; advice on how to handle life without their loved one being around; promises that this must be God’s will… and some even say things like, “All things work together for good to those who love God.”
Then, they’d ask the family, “You love God, don’t you?” The family would respond, “Of course, we do.” Then, the friend would say something like, “Well then, God promises that everything will work out good.” But as the family gazes into the casket, things don’t seem so good after all.
(Brie): Where do we start when we love someone who is experiencing grief?
(Roger): Every culture and family deals with grieving differently. Some of us come from families/cultures where sadness was a sign of weakness. You weren’t allowed to be depressed. The expectation was that you would stuff it and move on. Others scream and wail, but there was very little hope in God. Those who are grieving often feel numb, frozen in time.
The way to break through the grief façade of someone who is hurting is with months of intensive comforting. When Job sat in utter pain and devastation, his friends sat in silence with him for days before they uttered a word. If you read Job, you know that Job would have been better off if they had kept quiet!
Consider these biblical examples of effective comforting:
Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4).
Paul wrote: “Praise be to the God of all comfort who comforts us in all of our troubles, so that we can comfort others with the very same comfort with which you have comforted us” (2 Corinthians 1:4).
Paul also taught, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; and mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15).
Grief is always healed through mourning and comfort. Notice that this requires two people—one to mourn and one to comfort.
(Brie): What can we say and not say to really comfort those who are dealing with grief?
(Roger): Unfortunately, since few Christians know how properly to comfort others, their friends and loved ones continue living in hurt and pain. The proper response to the emotionally hurt and distressed is to listen to them mourn and then to comfort them.
Notice these things we often say that Jesus NEVER said. Blessed are they who mourn:
For they shall be told, “Don’t keep crying. Have faith.”
For they shall receive a sermon. “Heaven is better anyway.”
For they shall be given reasons why it was time for him to die.
For they shall be told how to get past the grief.
For they shall be told, “That is not nearly as bad as what happened to me.”
For they shall be told, “Stop worrying, you’ll be fine.”
For they shall be told, “All things work together for good to those who love God.”
Instead, comfort focuses on emotional, feeling words. It’s speaking heart-to-heart and life-to-life. For example, say:
“I know that your heart is aching over your husband’s death, I am so sorry for what you’re experiencing.”
“It grieves me deeply that you are in such pain. Life is just not supposed to be this way. I am so sorry.”
“It hurts you deeply that he is gone. Don’t feel like you have to be in a hurry. You have a lot of grieving in front of you. We are here to grieve with you.”
“I hurt for you because I love you. I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a hard time.”
(Brie): How can we be effective, compassionate comforters?
(Brie): Dad, I remember you listening to me first, every time I was hurting. Honestly, sometimes I wanted you to be mad with me! But then, you started to comfort me in my pain, and the anger began to melt away. That’s where healing really happens.
(Roger): I learned a great deal from practicing this list from Charles Swindoll. It’s great advice for comforters:
Comforters care enough to come uninvited.
Comforters listen carefully so they can minister to the emotions and not react to the words.
Comforters openly express the depths of their feelings.
Comforters are not turned off by distasteful sights.
Comforters understand, so they say very little.
In fifty years of ministry, I also learned three major, concrete ways to help. I think these apply to everyone who is dealing with grief—no matter how long it’s been since the loss happened. It takes a great deal of time to heal, and we often give up far too soon.
First, offer practical help.
Preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house or running errands are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care.
Keep in contact.
Call, text or email often. Remain available in the weeks and months to come, as well. Remember that your grieving family members or friends may reach out to you later rather than sooner.
Be aware of holidays and anniversaries.
Special occasions like holidays and anniversaries can be the most difficult of all—even years after a loved one has passed away. These events emphasize the absence of the person who has died. Instead of avoiding those memories, this may be the time to share them.
(Brie): Dad, I remember you teaching that even when a loved one goes to heaven, he or she is able to see what’s happening in the present world. I know their focus is completely on Jesus and praising Him, but I loved that you said we could ask God to share our love with those we miss so much.
Every day, during my prayer time, I ask God to tell you that I love you and miss you. It helps; so does consistently focusing on my favorite memories with you. I know that I will see you again in heaven.
But for now, I will reach out for comfort from Mom, my husband, Brad, and other family members and friends. I’m so glad we were never meant to mourn alone!
Photo Credit: @rainierridao
Brie Barrier Wetherbee is a sought-after Bible teacher and conference speaker, author, analyst, and Christian theologian.
This Ask Roger article may feature insights from Roger's wife, Dr. Julie Barrier, co-founder of Preach It, Teach It, worship minister, concert artist, and adjunct professor at Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary, or his daughter, Brie Barrier Wetherbee, a sought-after Bible teacher and conference speaker, author, analyst, and Christian theologian.
Originally published February 21, 2025.
