How to Actually Treat Other Believers Like Family

Aaron D'Anthony Brown Contributing Author
Updated Oct 23, 2023

I’ve heard it in church. I’ve heard it in small group. I’ve heard it from some surprising people. What exactly did they say? “We’re a family,” referring to our relationship with other believers. We’re brothers and sisters in Christ, and therefore, we are a family. The sentiment sounds sweet, and certainly, Scripture speaks to the idea of being a family.

Paul writes, “The Spirit himself testifies together with our spirit that we are God’s children” (Romans 8:16, CSB). Jesus himself also said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother” (Matthew 12:49-50). There are other passages echoing the same idea.

Yet, however much I appreciate reading these texts, every time I hear someone express this sentiment, I cringe. Just a little. I like the idea of being a family, but I’m not sure what people mean when they say it. I’m not certain that they know what they mean. There seems to be a contrast with Scripture.

Here’s an example.

After sharing with my small group that I’m still trying to figure out exactly where I “belong” in terms of church, among other things, a woman turned to me with a smile and said I’m a part of her family now, a part of the family – our small group. Sounds nice, and she was undoubtedly well-intentioned.

The issue is that though she claims I am a part of the family, my relationship with her doesn’t feel very family-like. She doesn’t know me, almost at all. We don’t hang out or talk outside of our small group or church. We don’t even talk much in the group. If I were broken down on the side of the road, she would not come to mind as someone to call. And I’m confident she would say the same about me. What exactly makes us a family?

Better yet, what makes a family?

Now, to be fair, there are many people in my life who are relatives, but who I would also not call for help. The difference is that we are related naturally. I don’t give them the title of family; we just are.

Maybe then the real issue lies in the intention of calling someone family. The point in establishing a title for any kind of relationship is to establish parameters – what do we do and what do we not do? If, as believers, we are a family, then how exactly are we supposed to treat one another?

I’m certainly not alone in questioning this idea of being a family. We’ve all had believers in our lives who disappointed us through deceit, conflict, poor communication, and more. They did all that despite adhering to the same faith that we purport. They did all that despite claiming what we meant to them. That’s normal. After all, they’re not perfect. We’re not perfect. Families aren’t perfect, and a great many are dysfunctional. That being said, if we are to call ourselves a family, that is, the church, then we should have a shared understanding of what that word means.

Many of us, including believers, keep our relationships surface-level, but if so, we should reconsider whether the use of family is appropriate or even necessary. Or, if instead, we’re striving to be family in the ideal biblical sense, then we should cultivate an understanding of what it means to treat one another like family.

Here’s how to better treat other believers like family:

Seek to Serve

A family looks out for one another for issues big and small. Most of us have no problem asking someone how they’re doing; we do so out of habit. However, we do struggle with being intentional. Most people will respond that they are doing well, even when they aren’t. We can bypass this lie by being intentional in how we cultivate relationships. Don’t just ask how they’re doing. Ask how they’re really doing and if there is a way you can help, or just pray for them. Doing things for people helps build trust in the relationship. And even if things in their life are going well, still see if there is any way you can serve. Why not make a good thing even better?

We should seek to serve other believers, knowing that by carrying their burdens and loving them, we are also serving the Lord.

Seek to Be Served

There are believers who don’t like asking for help, but no one is called to go about life as though they are an island. In fact, we all need people from the moment we’re born. This doesn’t make you weak or a burden. God simply made us for community. Therefore, just as you go about serving other people, don’t be afraid to ask to be served. Perhaps you need someone to talk to after a stressful week, or maybe you’re in need of money temporarily. We deepen relationships by proving ourselves trustworthy. The same is true when we make ourselves vulnerable to other people. That’s what a family ought to be about - being trustworthy and being vulnerable.

Listen

Far too many of us today spend more time talking as opposed to listening. And the subject of our talking is far too often ourselves. Imagine how much our relationships could grow, how much our faith could grow if we spent less time thinking about ourselves and more about other people. We might excuse this behavior as us trying to find solutions to our problems, but when we spend more time listening, we find that our own problems tend to shrink in size. That’s because we’re not thinking about them so much. We end up helping ourselves and the other person at the same time.

Be Present

Even with the relatives that I don’t see often and know well, something about being present with them over time helps build a sense of familiarity. What’s to stop us from doing this with other believers? If you want to find a sense of comfort and even belonging, you definitely have to be present. Ditch the cell phone when possible, and strike up conversations that you and I very often avoid.

Develop Relationships

Meaningful relationships require meaningful effort. Staying on the surface is easy, but being vulnerable requires more of us. There’s definitely more to lose in the process, but we gain so much more too. If we are a family, then we need to intentionally try to build relationships with people. Not just the ones we already know, but the strangers too. Ask to hang out. Seek to serve. We should also strive not to form cliques. Cliques happen when we stick to our comfort zone - the people we already know. Spend time with single folk if you’re married. Spend time with older folks if you’re young, and vice versa. A healthy family has dynamic relationships.

Conclusion

Perhaps I struggle to accept the idea of a church family because of my own struggles with my blood family. That being said, I think that if we are to go about preaching the idea of being one, we should have a consensus on what we mean. There are many people like myself who come from backgrounds with strained relationships. The word family should, but doesn’t always, come with positive connotations. You can’t just say to someone you are a family and expect them to know what you intend. The word family means different things to different people. To some, family is everything, and to others, family is nothing. As believers, I say we strive to make it something, something ideal, something biblical.

Aaron D'Anthony Brown is a freelance writer, hip-hop dance teacher, and visual artist, living in Virginia. He currently contributes to Salem Web Network’s Crosswalk platform and supports various clients through the freelancing website Upwork. He's an outside-the-box thinker with a penchant for challenging the status quo.