12 Tips to Have Richer Conversations
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- Updated Dec 19, 2022
Though the artist’s name slips me, his work does not. Two colored outlines of people at a bar, both engrossed in conversation. Inside each of the figures is a caption detailing what the person is doing, “Waiting to talk about himself.”
How many of us does that describe today?
We enter into conversations with one subject in mind. Our thoughts. Our feelings. Our circumstances. Ourselves. Most people don’t know how much they talk about themselves, few don’t care. The moment someone else finishes speaking, we bring the conversation back to ourselves. Then when we finish, the other person does the same. So begins an unconscious game of tug of war.
What if there was a better way to communicate?
A friend who’s a teacher has noticed this trend among his high schoolers. In an effort to help them build better habits when they have classroom discussions, he gets the students to not only respond directly to what other people say, but also gives them assignments where they have to debate from a perspective that is not their own. Rather than staying in their own shoes every class, they learn the merits of wearing someone else’s.
There are definitely lessons he could probably teach us all, but there are lessons readily available to us already. We find them in practical knowledge handed down through the generations, and of course, in the greatest book of wisdom known to man, the Bible.
Whether you’re one of the oldest or youngest among us, no one practices perfect communication. That means there’s something for each of us to learn.
If you’re seeking richer and more mutually satisfying conversations, then see what you can learn from these practical tips and biblical wisdom. Take what you like, leave the rest, but do consider ways in which you can grow. Here are 12 tips and tricks on how to communicate better.
1. Say Hello
Every conversation starts with initiation, and most initiations start off with a greeting. Hi. Hello. Hey. Usually, we don’t have an issue speaking to someone we know, or at least know well. We grow weary with those we don’t know, but keep in mind, the only way to meet someone or get to know them better is to initiate. Cutting yourself off from people, ignoring them, or waiting for them to act, does nothing but isolate you.
Relationships come and go for all of us. If you want to keep a steady supply into your old age, you have to be open to saying hello, not just waiting for people to come to you.
And let’s all agree to stop greeting people with “How are you?” That way, we can stop lying to each other, answering “good” when good is just the opposite of how we feel.
2. Make Eye-Contact
Are you talking to the floor or the person standing in front of you? Maintaining eye contact is a great way to build some confidence, but it also shows the person that you’re interested in them, and in what they’re saying. Eye contact communicates that you’re present, provided you don’t zone out while listening.
There’s so much we can tell about one another through our eyes, where we look and where we don’t, what we’ve seen and what we haven’t.
3. Be Present
What’s more interesting, the person you’re hanging out with or the phone in your hands? Actually, why is there a phone in your hands? Too many times have I planned to connect with someone only to have them pull out a phone to strike up a conversation with an unseen person, or scroll mindlessly through social media. Too often have I witnessed this with other people too. A couple goes to eat at a restaurant, but both the boyfriend and girlfriend have their eyes fixated on their own devices. There seems to be someone or something more important than what they are doing or the person they are with currently.
4. Be Honest
“A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.” (Proverbs 15:1)
In today’s affirming culture, honesty comes as a much-needed reminder. Too many of us sacrifice honesty for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. The outcome? Feelings that are hurt even more once the truth comes out. Take ghosting, for example.
The better way to communicate is to be honest. Not brutally honest, but gently. And not passively honest, where you withhold part of the truth so that the other person isn’t offended. Believe it or not, being offended by someone or something is a part of life.
When we’re honest, we set our relationships on a firm foundation. When we communicate dishonestly, the foundation grows weak, and eventually, we crumble.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/PrathanChorruangsak
5. Be Open
Healthy communication requires openness - a willingness to share with others. That includes your opinions, your feelings, your hurts, and your desires. If you’re not open, you keep others at a distance and become an island. Believers are not called to live this way.
If you’re too open, you risk scaring people away, and justifiably so!
Aim to strike a balance, not too closed, but not too open. Become like a book that’s gradually being read, page by page.
6. Be Humble
“A fool does not delight in understanding, but only wants to show off his opinions.” (Proverbs 18:2)
If you know everything already, then what else is there to learn? If you still have room to learn, have you humbled yourself in order to do so? Many of us, if asked, would consider ourselves humble, but the reality of our actions reveals the opposite.
No one likes a know-it-all, but not many people like those who are willingly ignorant either. Be open to learning in your communication. Be intentional about seeking to learn.
7. Slow to Speak, Quick to Listen
“My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” (James 1:19)
Too many of us are quick to express ourselves before we give other people a chance to offer their thoughts. And sometimes, we’re so quick to respond to their thoughts without actually understanding what they said. According to Scripture, fools only want to hear themselves. That must mean wise people want to hear others. Now, the question is do we want to be wise or foolish?
Next time you have a conversation, pay attention to how much you talk about yourself in comparison to the other person.
8. Be Yourself
No matter who we communicate with or how often, before we can truly give someone the title of friend, or anything that comes after, we have to be comfortable with being ourselves. Honest relationships require this.
No matter how many tips and tricks you look up on YouTube, nothing will matter if you’re pretending to be someone you’re not.
9. Don’t Avoid Conflict
“Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)
No, avoiding conflict does not equal healthy communication. Just the opposite. If you want to avoid all conflict, then you can, but prepare to be treated like a doormat.
Healthy communication requires you to navigate conflict, and navigating conflict requires a balance between being assertive in expressing your ideas, but also submissive in hearing out the other person while not feeling a need to respond.
10. Use Your Words and Your Body
Communication occurs with the words we speak and the expressions we show through our bodies. Aim to communicate directly, and if someone’s intentions or meanings confuse you, then inquire.
11. Set Boundaries
If you don’t let people know they’ve crossed a boundary, can you blame them for not knowing? And if you don’t let people know, can you blame them for not changing? Sometimes we need to be prompted to correct our behavior and fix our sins. Talking about someone behind their back instead of to their face is more likely to cause strife than change.
12. Don’t Take Things Personally
Sometimes we take things personally, without realizing it. We assume that people do or say certain things with the intention of being hurtful to us specifically. But this is an assumption, not reality. Remedy this by asking someone about their behavior, or realizing that they act this way with everyone, not just you.
Conclusion
What continues to astonish me is the popularity of narcissism as a subject of intrigue and scorn. I find myself dismayed at the number of people who are quick to identify that trait in others, but never themselves. Certainly, we all have a tendency to be a bit selfish in one way or another.
That selfishness definitely shows in our conversations, especially today. However, what we didn’t learn growing up, we can definitely learn today. With a bit of introspection, we can make the needed adjustments to become more Christ-like figures.
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person.” (Colossians 4:6)
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/millann
Get in touch with him at aarondanthony.com and check out his debut short story anthology Honey Dreams on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
