10 Unexpected Benefits of Grieving Well

It was time, so I mustered up my courage and went to my doctor for an annual checkup. As part of the procedure, she asked a few standard questions about my emotional health. At one point, I said in answer, “I still feel sad about losing my wife to cancer three years ago.” She frowned and shook her head. “Well,” she said, “what you need is electroshock therapy on your brain. That’ll take care of that.”

I was stunned. Was this doctor actually telling me I needed an extreme, highly controversial medical procedure simply because I missed my wife of 30 years? That made no sense to me.

Needless to say, I politely declined brain trauma as a treatment for grief, but it got me thinking: Why are we so afraid of grieving loss and the fact that grief continues long after the funeral is over? And if we must grieve (which we all must do), what good is it?

Well, having walked that road myself, I see at least 10 significant benefits that grieving well provides…

1. Grief Is Proof That We Are Like God

The first time grief is mentioned in the Bible, it’s ascribed to God the Father, in Genesis 6:5-6. “The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth ... and He was grieved in His heart" (NKJV). Fast-forward to the gospels, and we see in Matthew 26:38 that Jesus experienced deep grief in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night before his crucifixion. He said to his disciples, "My soul is crushed with grief..." (NLT). Moving into the letters of the Apostle Paul, we discover in Ephesians 4:30 that the Holy Spirit can experience grief. “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God" (NKJV), Paul instructed.

This witness of Scripture says three things to me:

1. God experiences grief in the totality of his being, on an eternal scale, in all three Persons of the Trinity.
2. When you and I grieve authentically, we are imitating God, actually becoming a living reflection of who he is.
3. Because our loving God knows intimately the pain of grieving, God can be thus trusted with our deepest sorrow, for as long as it takes, for however much we need him.

2. Grief Reminds Us of the Deep Cost of Sin

When God first created human beings, death was not a part of life—and it was never intended to be. Our Creator even gave a warning to those first people, “You must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die” (Genesis 2:17 NIV).

You know what happened next: They ate, and death became the incongruous norm in your world. This is what grief reminds your soul:

You were never meant to suffer the death of others. Sin changed all that, and now we must grieve because sin has cost us everything, even life itself. And so, next time you’re tempted to indulge a sinful act or thought, let your grief remind you of the tragedy of that choice, and may it point you toward God’s righteousness instead.

3. Grief Reminds Us That We Are Lovers

Do you know why you grieve deeply? It’s because you have loved deeply—because you actually have capacity to love. This is a precious gift, to be able to love like that. Thus, when we grieve—even in the midst of soul-breaking sorrow, we can also be grateful, because that pain tells us that not only are we capable of love, we have loved—and we have loved well.

In this sense, the grief experience also teaches us that Christ’s commands are not impossible, as some would like to believe. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind,” Jesus said. “This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40 NIV).

Why can Jesus demand so much from you? Because he knows this: You are made to love. The pain of your grief is testimony to that great truth.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/AntonioGuillem

4. Grief Is a Catalyst for Gratitude

During those grueling weeks and months of sorrow and suffering that led to the final end of my wife, the one word that most described her emotional state was grateful. Not that she wanted to die—she did everything she could to try to avoid that. But the trauma of cancer clarified in her the truth of grace…

The temporary beauty of love…

The wonder of friends and family who gathered tightly around her.

And her instinctive response was gratitude.

I remember once sitting in the living room while Amy was at the dining table reading get-well cards from friends. Suddenly, she started sobbing. “What’s wrong?” I said, quickly going to her side. She laughed through tears. “Nothing,” she said. She motioned to the stack of open cards before her. “I just feel overwhelmed by the love of all these people toward me. I don’t deserve that kind of love. I feel so grateful, I had to cry.”

I didn’t understand that at the moment, but I’m beginning to see the truth of her gratitude in pain. It’s why the Apostle Paul could teach us, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV). He knew that even in the worst of times, there is still grace for which to be grateful.

5. Grief Can Drive Us into a Deeper Experience of Christ’s Presence and Love

The day after Amy died, I walked into my empty home and felt overwhelmed with sorrow. I walked slowly from room to room, sobbing, going into and out of closets, even pausing to stand in the bathtub. And finally, I spoke to heaven. “Jesus,” I said, “there is no space in this house where I don’t feel your presence. So why don’t I feel your comfort now, here, when I desperately need it?”

He didn’t answer, and he didn’t take away my pain. He also refused to leave my side.

A few days later, I read again of the death of Lazarus as recorded in John 11:1-44, and I felt sympathetic, familiar pangs of grief with his sisters left behind, Mary and Martha. “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died,” Mary wept at him. And I did the same. Lord, if you’d been here, I prayed, Amy would not have died. And then I stopped, and watched what happened next. Jesus knew that in only 15 minutes or so, he was going to shout, “Lazarus, come forth!” and, in an instant, he would erase all sorrow and replace it with awestruck joy. But instead of saying, “Hush, Mary. Stop crying. It’ll all turn out well in the end,” he paused … he waited … and he mixed his tears with hers.

Why did he cry? I think it was because she was crying, because although she had to suffer, he refused to let her suffer alone.

I have found he has done the same with me. He knows that, in the end, all will be well for me, that it is already well for Amy. And yet… when I weep, still, he pauses all of eternity to stop, to wait, to weep beside me. Others can’t understand that kind of nearness of Christ—they simply haven’t the depth of experience yet. But you and I, grievers, we can know it. And even in our pain, this is a precious thing.

There is more to say, of course, than can fit into this word-limited space, so let me finish with just a quick list of other benefits I’ve found in the experience of grieving well. You can fill in the blanks. Let these truths remind you that your grief matters, that Jesus actually uses it to make you a better person …

A stronger human being…

A more authentic Christian…

And someone who looks and acts just a little bit more like God.

More Reasons Why Grief Matters…

6. Grief Emphasizes Our Need to Be Others-Centered More Than Self-Centered

7. Grief Clarifies Meaning Behind Our Priorities in Life

8. Grief Teaches Us That Every Moment Matters

9. Grief Inspires Us to Be the Kind of People That Others Will Someday Grieve for Losing

10. Grief Bestows on Us an Ironclad Promise from God

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NIV), and “He will wipe every tear from their eyes …” (Revelation 21:4 NIV).

Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Filmstax 

Mike Nappa is a practical theologian known for writing “coffee-shop theology” and Christian Living books. He’s a bestselling and award-winning author with millions of copies of his works sold worldwide. An Arab-American, Mike is proud to be a person of color (BIPOC) active in Christian publishing. Google Mikey to learn more, or visit MikeNappa.com. Find Mike Nappa’s bestselling book, Reflections for the Grieving Soul wherever books are sold.