What Is the Antidote to Anger?

• Mad at me.
• Mad at us.
• Mad at them.

And here is the crazy part. When anger is left unchecked to grow and fester in one of these categories, it spills over into the others. Scripture is very clear about anger and how we should handle it.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger” (Ephesians 4:31).

Easier said than done – right? And yet, it must be done. Anger is the cancer of the soul. Left unchecked, it will dominate every other emotion in your life. We all have a friend or a family member about whom we say, “they are angry all the time,” or “they are angry about everything,” or “they were born mad and got worse.” But, unfortunately, that person can be you or me if we don’t learn to deal with our anger. Anger presents several options for us followers of Christ. Unresolved anger will drive us farther from God. My relationship with God affects my relationship with others. And my relationship with others affects my relationship with God. So, when I am angry with God, and that anger goes unresolved over an extended period of time, I will eventually become angry with others. Or, if I am angry with others, and that anger goes unresolved, I will be angry with everyone - including God.

Anger is a virus that affects every part of our lives. You cannot compartmentalize or contain anger. You must eradicate it! And you must deal with it - quickly. Scripture tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger. Why? Because unresolved anger turns into uncontrolled bitterness.

Anger impacts the church. There are three main reasons people don’t go to church:

3. Boring.

2. Irrelevant.

1. Hurt.

I have been a pastor’s wife for 46 years. I have seen a lot of hurt in the church. I’ve been the one who hurt someone, and other times I am the one who has been hurt. But if you have been hurt in some way by another believer, may I say how sorry I am that this happened to you in church. The church is or should be a place of healing, but it can also be a place of hurt because of its messy collection of people. The church is not a museum for saints. The church is a hospital for sinners.

Have you ever been to a family reunion? Or had the family over for a holiday? Or have you ever done a vacation with extended family? Unfortunately, somebody’s going to get hurt because family is a collection of sinners that happen to be related.

Two Challenges From the Bible about Anger:

“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).

“As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

Both of those challenges require effort and a choice to resolve and deal with anger correctly. Our natural response to anger is fight or flight. We either throw down or run away, but how about a third response, a better response to anger? It’s really simple, but it’s also tough to do. We can choose to unite. Those two verses tell us to make every effort to live in unity and be at peace with others. Why is this a big deal? Anger shuts down growth.

Anger may cause you to hurt someone else, but anger does the most damage to you. To your soul. To your relationship with God. To your relationship with others. In other words, anger toward one person will affect the rest of your relationships.

God matures us when we offer grace in place of anger. We grow as Christ-followers and human beings when we offer grace in place of anger. Grace is unearned forgiveness and undeserved reconciliation. Grace is choosing to live in unity and peace. Why are unity and peace such a big deal? Unity and peace are critical for what God wants to do in your life. If you are angry, you cannot become who God wants you to be or do what God wants you to do, and you cannot experience all God has for you. In the Word of God, we find three significant callings - three things Jesus wants from every Christ-follower and three sets of marching orders.

The Great Commission (GO)

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations …” (Matthew 28:19).

The Great Commandment (LOVE)

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-38).

The Great Collaboration (PEACE)

Jesus prayed, “… let them be one – I in them and you in me – so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me.” (John 17:22-23)

Yes, we are to GO! Yes, we are to LOVE, but here is what I believe is so often missing from the mission. We are to GO and LOVE in PEACE! Only when we put all three of these together will we accomplish the JESUS MISSION! This truth explains why Jesus was so serious about peace and constantly challenged people to be reconciled with each other. Look at what he said in his most famous sermon:

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24).

What? That’s right. Jesus tells us that if we have not forgiven someone or know someone has not forgiven us, we should drop everything, put life on hold, and do whatever it takes to make it right. Peace starts with me.

Clara Barton was known as someone who never held a grudge, but a friend reminded Clara of a cruel thing someone had done to her. As the friend talked, she could tell that Clara didn’t seem to remember the incident. The friend was shocked because she remembered how hurt Clara had been. “Don’t you remember?” the friend asked. Clara smiled and said, “No!” I distinctly remember forgetting it.”

Peace is not about waiting for someone to apologize or change. Peace is all about taking the initiative to make things right. It is a choice to wage peace. How do I do that? 

How Do I Get Past My Hurt?

Choose to wage peace. Again, peace is all about choices. Will your feelings line up with that choice? Maybe, or maybe not. I’m sure you have learned that you cannot trust your feelings. When it comes to waging peace, our feelings are irrelevant. It is about obedience to God and his truth.

Today, you can choose to be a warrior for peace – a warrior for God.

• Identify someone with whom you are angry.

This is not a hard step to take. Their name came to mind the minute you started reading this article about anger. So here is the challenge today, this week, and for the rest of your life.

• Extend grace to the one you are angry with.

Grace is the antidote to anger. When you choose to offer grace to someone who has hurt you, your anger begins to fade away. Do we offer grace because they deserve it? Nope. Because they have earned it? No. Because you feel like it? Probably not. You offer grace because God has extended grace to you, and we want to be people of grace – not anger. We want to wage peace – not war.

Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.