What Is the Call to Neighborliness?
- Dr. David Docusen The Neighborliness Center
- Updated Mar 14, 2022
“I will talk to you when the election is over.” My heart broke as I stared at the text message on my phone.
Ms. Betty had been a part of our family since I was a baby. She changed my diapers and attended my little league baseball games. She supported our family financially when we planted two churches in Charlotte, North Carolina. And every so often, I would get a hand-written letter in the mail along with a check for $75. “Take your beautiful bride on a date night. Dara deserves it. Thomas and I are praying for you, and we are with you every step of the way.”
Ms. Betty and Mr. Thomas were so proud of us. Until we started talking about biblical justice.
2020 was a strange time to be alive. Family and friendship dynamics were impacted by the unique vortex of social justice protests, a divisive political season, and a global pandemic. Opinions were not hard to find online, around family dinner tables, and in break rooms of businesses. Everybody seemed to be talking about one, two, or all three of these things at the same time on a daily basis. And the enemy was hard at work to divide families, friendships, and communities across the world. The enemy is still hard at work today.
John 10:10 (NLT) teaches us that Satan has three plans: steal, kill, and destroy. We can be assured that any behavior toward one another that does not embody the love of Jesus is bound to end up in the enemy stealing, killing, or destroying our relationships or any fruit that our interactions with others could produce.
However, the second half of the same verse shows us that embodying the presence of Jesus leads to a rich and satisfying life. How do I embody the presence of Jesus in a world that is full of misinformation, divisive arguments, and relational trauma? How can I point my friends, family, and colleagues to the love and freedom that is found in Jesus in the midst of conflict and complex issues in our culture? To start answering these questions, I began looking at how Jesus interacted with His neighbors and how He approached difficult conversations.
Here are a few practical tips on engaging in hard conversations I’ve learned in the process:
Ask Questions and Genuinely Listen
Jesus wasn’t trying to win arguments. He was always pursuing genuine relationships. Instead of telling everyone the right answer, He modeled a curious spirit and a willingness to listen. He constantly asked questions instead of shutting down conversations with certain answers. He desired relationships with people that did not agree with or believe in him. His confidence was rooted in the truth of who he was, and that truth would reveal itself in the context of true relationships.
Jesus held His tongue long enough for people to be captivated by His love and actions toward everyone around him. He didn’t need to win an argument because He knew His love was stronger than any disagreement. Your posture as you engage in hard conversations matters. When you understand that the people with different opinions than you are not opponents to be defeated, but relationships to be cultivated, you model Jesus’ posture toward people.
Communicate Compassionately
When you engage in conversations regarding a gospel response to social issues, it is important to remember that whoever you are speaking with is bringing their history into the conversation. Each of us is shaped by our life experiences, painful relational interactions, and political upbringing. When you listen, you learn more about people’s context and are then able to share more effectively and compassionately what’s on your mind with them.
We see this modeled when Mary and Martha approach Jesus after their brother Lazarus’s death. They separately say the same thing to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." Jesus knows them well and compassionately responds to each of them. To one he comforts with words of truth; the other, He weeps with. When we take time to understand the people we are talking with and people we disagree with, we will be better equipped to compassionately communicate truth and respond with grace.
Keep a Humble Spirit
I have found that the temperature in an awkward conversation is dramatically reduced when I don’t take the bait and engage in angry discourse. A humble spirit is hard to continuously attack. Jesus taught his disciples to show love to our enemies instead of hate (Matthew 5:43-48). He modeled that we can remain humble in the face of conflict. We can rest in the strength of his love when we are challenged.
One of the best ways to diffuse an awkward situation regarding topics that you don’t understand is to simply say, “I’m not sure about my stance on that topic. If you’ll give me some time to read, reflect, and pray, I’m happy to circle back to the conversation. But for today, I’m happy to hear your thoughts.” Remember, you can completely disagree with someone and still show interest in their perspective. However, if you engage in conversations in which you don’t understand the topic, an emotional argument is probably on the horizon.
Take the time to learn and grow in matters related to God’s heart for our culture. When the opportunity arrives, humbly point people back to Jesus in the midst of divisive talk and describe his heart for our culture, not a political or economic ideology that is rooted in anything other than loving God and neighbors. It is important to speak the truth in love. A right answer given with an arrogant spirit or demeaning tone is rarely received or effective.
After taking some time to reflect and pray on how to respond to Ms. Betty, I replied. “My love for Jesus compels me to learn about racial and economic inequality in our country. This is not about being liberal or conservative, but how to be a faithful witness to Jesus in the world. She replied, “I’m just disappointed in you. I can’t believe you’ve become so liberal. There’s no room for that social justice message in the gospel.”
I realized at that moment that we had a different understanding of the scope of the gospel message. Jesus calls us in Mark 12:28-34 to love God and neighbors with full passion and emphasis. He calls this one command the greatest out of over 600 Jewish laws at the time. Love God and neighbors. The spirit of neighborliness helps us make the direct connection from loving God with all of our hearts to loving our neighbors–anyone created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). Neighborliness is the behavior of Christians who seek to embody the love, curiosity, courage, and kindness of Jesus to the world around them.
We cannot love our neighbors if we are not seeking to understand our neighbors. If we are not curious about the experiences of others from different backgrounds than ours, we will find ourselves pursuing relationships that support our limited perspective and worldview. Here are five practical ways that we can seek to understand and honor our neighbors from different backgrounds:
1. Pay attention to how Jesus loves His neighbor throughout the gospels. We are on-mission with Jesus to rebuild and restore the world as we seek to establish His kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. When we look at how He did that, we find that He interacted with people from all walks of life to share His love with them. And we are called to do the same.
2. Get curious about others’ experiences and perspectives. Ask questions, read books, and listen to podcasts to learn about experiences and cultures that are different from your own.
3. Be open-minded when thoughts or new information challenge your preconceived ideas. Remember that your instincts are a combination of your lived experience and knowledge. If you are lacking in either of these areas, your relational instincts in building friendships across dividing lines may not be very sharp yet. It’s ok. Just be self-aware of your limitations and be open-minded to learning new things.
4. Find common ground as you build connections with people from different backgrounds. While differences in worldviews, backgrounds, and experiences may abound, at the end of the day, we are all people made in the image of God. We all desire to be seen and loved. When we focus on finding common ground while seeking to better understand our neighbors, that’s when we build genuine relationships.
5. Seek joy in building friendships. We are not simply called to work toward healing together. We are called to enjoy each other, spend time, together, rest, and have fun as we build relationships. We don’t have to agree on every matter of faith and culture to be friends. Most importantly, we can rest in Jesus together, knowing that one day all things will come to light and we will be free of the burdens on this earth that weigh us down.
Love Well and Remain True
I haven’t received a hand-written letter and a $75 check from Ms. Betty in several years. She has made it clear to me that she doesn’t think that I should talk as openly as I do about the broken systems, policies, and structures of our country. However, our relationship seems to have taken a unique turn toward attempting to understand each other on a more meaningful level. I never knew this side of her until it was uncovered through uncomfortable and awkward conversations.
We may never see eye to eye on some matters, and it has disrupted a former version of our relationship. The current form, however, is layered and has more depth. We are talking about things that have genuine substance and I think we are both growing in our understanding of each other and God. I trust that the Holy Spirit is leading Ms. Betty and me into all truth (John 16:13).
Instead of winning a verbal battle, I simply want to remain a faithful witness to the call of Jesus to love God and neighbors. I want to love Ms. Betty well while remaining true to what I have seen and heard in the Bible. I want to respond to the call of neighborliness.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/coffeekai
