Traveling Through Teenland

Editor's note: This article originally appeared in the Fall 2011 issue of The Old Schoolhouse® Magazine, the trade magazine for homeschool families. Read the magazine free at www.TOSMagazine.com or read it on the go and download the free TOSapps to read the magazine on your Kindle Fire or Apple or Android devices.

“Uuuuuuuh . . . Uuuuuh!”

“No, you can’t have the red cup. You get the blue cup.”         

“Wed cup!”

“You can’t have the red cup. You get the blue cup or you can go without a cup.”         

“Waaaaa!”         

“Stop right now, or we’ll make a trip into the bathroom.”     

Silence.

Ahhh, those were the days, looking into the face of my toddler squirming in his high chair, obviously not happy with life or me because he got the blue cup.

Those days were exhausting, and sometimes we thought those toddlers would never grow up. But you know what? They did. And on the way to adulthood they passed through . . . Teenland: a wild and exciting place where everything changes daily. One day the world is smiling, and the next day the world is dark and brooding.

I’ve heard some folks piously say that Teenland is a new phenomenon and that in the old days children passed effortlessly from childhood to adulthood without passing through the teenage years. My response to that: “Baloney!”

The word teenager might be a modern word, but the struggle in training children during those awkward years has been around since the time of Cain and Abel. Adam and Eve were the only ones who got to skip that wonderful time of life.

In fact, I think it was no accident that God skipped the teenage years with his first creation. I bet if He hadn’t, the whole story would have gone differently. It might have sounded something like this:

          “I have to name all the animals?”

          “Yes, all the animals.”

          “Can I give them all the same name?”

          “No, you can’t.”

          “Okay, I’ll name this half Bob and the other half Tina.”

          “Just name the animals.”

          “Why do they even need names? There’s no one else here, and I know I’m never going to care what their names are.”

          “Because I said so, that’s why.”

          “Are you going to have me name the plants after that?”

          “Just go to your room!”

          “What’s a room?”

Let me be the first one to say up front that raising teenagers is no cakewalk. I’m not saying that we should expect rebellion or that the world’s perspective on teenagers is accurate. I’m just saying that as kids pass through Teenland they . . . change.

Personalities that were previously easygoing suddenly burst forth with emotion and outbursts of ugliness. Other children who were gregarious, never shutting up for one moment, become sluggish and quiet. Gangly, growing boys challenge their parents’ logic, and emotional girls accuse moms and dads of not loving them. The challenges and trials that they face as teenagers are much bigger issues than the ones they dealt with as younger children.

Oh yes, there is a Teenland.

But here’s the thing. It’s not a bad place; it’s a good place. But it is a place where children need their parents more than ever. It’s also the place where we parents (read—this parent) tend to blow it and push our children away. As our children pass through those teen years on the way to adulthood what we think they need most is our guidance and Godly teaching. While it is true that they need both of those things, what they need most are our love and understanding.

Have you forgotten what it was like to go through Teenland? Don’t you remember wanting to fit in? You didn’t feather your hair, keep a big comb in your back pocket, or wear parachute pants because you wanted to rebel against your parents—or even because you wanted to be cool. You just didn’t want to stand out.

Your teens simply feel what you felt, but you’ve forgotten that. You’ve forgotten that their tastes in music, styles, and what matters are different . . . just like yours were.

Actually I was thinking about the song "Kids" from the musical Bye Bye Birdie. The song talks about teenagers’ music, styles, and ways, and then the refrain says: “Why can’t they be like we were, perfect in every way? What’s the matter with kids today?” Again, Mom and Dad, I’m not saying that all teen behavior is acceptable or that it should be overlooked; I’m just saying, “Remember what it was like!”

Instead of freaking out when your teen becomes an emotional mess and lecturing him about the evils of lack of self-control, patiently guide your teen through those turbulent waters; cut him or her some slack, and love your child . . . no matter what. Yes, teens might make some choices that you don’t prefer and do things you may not understand, but in areas of preference that aren’t a matter of sin, instead of criticizing or giving them that look of disapproval, be interested, smile, and wave. That’s right! Smile and wave.

I had forgotten the power of that combination (i.e., smile and wave) until I recently visited the Mall of America in St. Paul, Minnesota, with my family. I guess it’s so cold most of the time in Minnesota that they needed to make an amusement park right inside the mall. I was reminded as my youngest sons, Cal and Jed, drove around a little track. Every time they passed by, I waved and smiled. They went around again and again, and each time, I waved and smiled—and they basked in my pleasure. And then I did it again when my daughter Maggie rode the Ferris wheel and when Jed rode the carousel and when Ben and Sam rode the Brain Surge and when Ike stood on a gangplank four stories above the floor.

I waved and smiled as only a dad can do: with gusto. I know they all liked seeing the pleasure in my face as I watched them and waved. Then it hit me: that’s what I’m supposed to do—what you’re supposed to do . . . especially with teenagers.

When they talk about their new shoes, smile. When they play in a band (that you may not like), wave and smile. When they make different choices and talk about unimportant things, listen and smile.

That’s what your teenagers crave from you, especially at this time in their lives. They need you to remember what it was like to be in that awkward time of life, and they need your unconditional love and encouragement as they pass though Teenland.

In the same way that they needed you during the terrific twos, they need you even more during the terrific teens. Traveling through Teenland isn’t as easy as the red cup/blue cup dilemma. But you can do it.

Todd Wilson, “The Familyman,” author of Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe, Help! I’m Married to a Homeschooling Mom, and The Official Book of Homeschooling Cartoons, is a dad, writer, conference speaker, and former pastor.  Todd’s humor and gut-honest realness have made him a favorite speaker at homeschool conventions across the country and a guest on Focus on the Family.  Todd and his wife Debbie homeschool their eight children in northern Indiana when they’re not traveling around the country encouraging moms and dads.  You can visit Familyman Ministries at www.familymanweb.com.