Are You One with Your Spouse or Your Kids?
- Keren Kanyago Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
- Published Mar 14, 2022
The title of the Christmas carol, "A baby changes everything" by Faith Hill, encapsulates the transition couples muddle through after the blessing of kids. From sharing your life solely with your special someone to having one or more little babes join your home. Often, couples are ill-prepared for the myriad of changes that accompany parenting.
In the process of tending to kids (especially when they are young), it's easy for couples to neglect their relationship. They may no longer take time for dates, movies, vacations, and other things that kept them connected. They may subconsciously put their marriage "on hold" as they get absorbed in raising and indulging their kids. This is with the hope that they can pick up from where they left once the kids are independent.
In the long run, such parents may forge unbreakable bonds with their children while their relationship with their spouse may be clutching at straws. This begs the question, do you feel more connected to your kids than your spouse? Are you joined at the hip with your kids while your spouse feels like a stranger? Are you one with your kids or your spouse? If you have allowed your marriage relationship to fall by the wayside, here are six things to help you put things in perspective.
1. Remember That Kids Grow Up
What do kids do best? They grow up! That may sound a tad obvious, but it's easy to lose sight of this fact when you are in the thick of parenting. For instance, a worn-out mother of twin infants who spends her nights nursing her inconsolable babies may have trouble acknowledging that kids grow up. But two years on, she may be the one encouraging new parents to take it easy. Although kids are a huge blessing, tending to them can leave you feeling downright exhausted both physically and emotionally.
But. It's just a matter of time before your sweet chunky toddler becomes a tween who is suddenly opposed to cuddles. Before you know it, your teenager has graduated from college, bagged a job, and moved out to carve a life on their own. Therefore, you should be careful not to put your marriage on hold because of children.
Throughout the varying seasons of parenting, ensure that you are constantly investing in your marriage. Studies show that divorce rates are soaring among new empty nesters. When the last child walks out the door, the couple has drifted so far apart that they are unable to reconnect. The damage is often irreparable.
2. Children Are Not the Main Actors in Your Marriage
Picture this. Your child is engrossed in play with their usual old toys. You come in from the store holding up a new toy. What is the natural thing for your child to do? They are likely to ditch their old toys and hurry off to unwrap the new one. Sometimes this is the same attitude married couples exude. With the blessing of children, we tend to forget the initial gift of our spouse. We spend our time and energy caring for our kids, leaving our spouses on the back burner.
The Bible says that in marriage, the man and woman shall be joined together to become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24). There is no mention of kids in that precious equation. Children come in as a reward and a heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). Therefore, it is counter-productive to neglect your spouse for the sake of the reward (children). Children are not the main actors in a marriage; you and your spouse are.
Please don't get me wrong. I am by no means suggesting that you should neglect your kids. Far from it! The point here is that you need to remain connected to your spouse even as you nurture them. That may be an intricate balance to achieve, but it's not impossible. Besides, the Bible says that the blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow with it (Proverbs 10:22). Evaluate your marriage and see if you have allowed the blessing of your kids to add sorrow to your marriage. Does your spouse feel unloved and neglected because you no longer have time for them? It's time to take stock and make amends.
3. A Thriving Marriage Is in the Best Interest of Your Kids
There's a famous saying that when two bulls fight, the grass gets hurt. In the same way, when a marriage keels over, the kids are thrown off balance. Although kids are resilient, studies show that they bear the brunt of separation and divorce. Some children may perform poorly in their academics, suffer guilt, anger, develop behavioral problems and even lose faith in the institution of marriage.
Therefore, prioritizing and investing in your marriage is in the best interest of your kids. Ensuring your kids' stability is more important than being at their beck and call. Besides, kids who grow up sensing love between their parents feel happier and more secure. So you want the best life for your kids? Start by loving your spouse fiercely.
Related article: Do Children Destroy Romance?
4. Don't Use Your Kids to Meet Your Emotional Needs
"I love you, daddy" or "You are the best mommy ever!" Kids say the sweetest things. Not to mention the soft, snuggly hugs and kisses they lavish on those they love. As such, it's so easy to love a child. But an adult? Sometimes not so much. If you are not actively tending to your marriage, you end up neglecting each other's emotional needs.
Some parents turn to their kids to fill the gaping void. They soak up the love that their kids splurge on them. They relish the hugs and cuddles and affirmative words from their kids. They ignore the urge to fix their marriage. Seeing that their partner is engrossed with the kids, the forlorn spouse may trail off to seek fulfillment outside the marriage.
Don't use your kids to meet your emotional needs. That will be like building your house on sand. When the rains and floods come, and the wind beats on that house, it will definitely topple over with a great crash (Mathew 7:27).
5. Remember That Your Kids Belong to God
It's been said that having a child is like having your heart walking outside your body. The bond between a parent and a child is overpowering. Little wonder that parents spare no effort where their children are concerned, often at the expense of other relationships. You may feel like your kids are utterly helpless without you. You may want to coddle them and hover over them round the clock. But remember that your children are not your own. They belong to God.
"Behold, all souls are Mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of ,the son is Mine; the soul who sins shall die." (Ezekiel 18:4).
God owns your children. He knew them before they were formed in the womb and had a specific purpose for them (Jeremiah 1:5). Your role is to be a good steward by nurturing them physically, emotionally, and spiritually. God is not asking you to sacrifice your marriage relationship for the sake of His children.
Related article: Your Children Belong to God, Not You
6. Remember That You are Modeling Marriage to Your Kids
We all want the best for our kids. Nobody would fancy seeing their son or daughter languishing in a loveless marriage. The best way to shield them from such a tragedy is by modeling the right kind of marriage. Your kids are watching your marriage and gleaning lessons. When they sense love, respect, and commitment, that becomes the basis of how they will treat their future spouse. On the flip side, if they sense disunity and aloofness, they interpret that to mean that marriage is not an intimate relationship.
You are doing your kids a great disservice by neglecting your marriage in the big scheme of things. That's because you are giving them a tainted image of what marriage should look like. The Bible warns about misleading the little ones and causing them to stumble.
"But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea." (Mathew 18:6)
You are to train your children in the ways they should go and that includes modeling the right concept of marriage (Proverbs 22:6).
Related article: What Does Your Marriage Teach Your Kids?
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/anatoliy_gleb
