Can a Marriage Thrive with Unresolved Conflict?
- Keren Kanyago Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
- Published Aug 23, 2023
No one embodies love, passion, hope, commitment, and unity better than a new couple on their wedding day. Vows are exchanged tenderly, eyes glistening with tears. Affectionate kisses and hugs are lavished on each other. Hands are clasped together, a sign that they never want to be apart. At this point, neither can envision any bumps in the road where their marriage is concerned.
However, as time passes, their differences come to the forefront, triggering conflict. If the couple is ill-prepared for marriage and has no mentors to help them navigate the challenges, conflict can wreak havoc on their marriage. Being the closest human relationship, marriage comes with a decent amount of conflict. It is inevitable. Unfortunately, in many marriages, a lot of conflict remains unresolved.
Often the couple is optimistic that the marriage is strong enough to accommodate unresolved conflict. They learn to sit with the conflict and eventually relegate it to the back burner. Can a marriage really thrive with unresolved conflict? Read on to find out.
Disclaimer - There's No Perfect Marriage
The truth is that every marriage has a certain level of unresolved issues. That's because marriage is made up of two imperfect individuals whose personalities are often as different as chalk and cheese. As such, there will be unrelenting "annoyances" that each spouse will have to live with. For instance, perhaps your spouse is naturally clumsy. They leave their clothes strewn all over the bedroom, knock over everything on their path and even trip as they walk.
Chances are that their clumsiness irritates you and may even have triggered disputes between you. However, their clumsiness is something you can live with. You are willing to overlook it because you love your spouse regardless. Take Tracy, for example. Her husband Roy has the memory of a goldfish and will often forget important dates like her birthday. And although Roy often relies on phone reminders, Tracy has made peace with his forgetfulness.
Marital conflict that is triggered by personality differences doesn't always get resolved. The couple learns to accommodate each other. In most cases, such conflict does not threaten the health of the marriage. It helps the two embrace unconditional love, forgiveness, humility, and empathy.
However, there's a different level of conflict that, if left unresolved, wrecks the marriage. Any conflict that pulls the couple apart, breaks their friendship, and injures their intimacy should not be overlooked. If left unresolved, the marriage is likely to fester. The responsibility, therefore, is on the couple to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff. To identify the deal breakers in marriage versus "harmless" conflict.
Examples of marital issues that should not be left unresolved include infidelity, abuse, withheld conjugal rights, and wrong addictions, among others. If you are contending with an issue that hurts you deeply and even makes you contemplate leaving the marriage, do not gloss over it. No matter how much time passes, the problem will one day rear its ugly head. Here are four things you can do to avoid unresolved conflict in your marriage.
1. Do Not Sweep Things Under the Rug
"I made haste, and did not delay to keep your commandments." (Psalm 119:60)
Handling conflict is not anyone's cup of tea - it's downright agonizing. It makes couples feel afraid and vulnerable as they face their weaknesses. Often, couples opt for the easier route - sweeping the issue under the rug. This, however, does not help resolve the issue at hand. It only makes things worse. When the contentious issue is left alone, it begins to fester, and resentment builds up, choking the life out of the marriage.
Paul warned that we should be careful lest any root of bitterness springing up causes trouble and defiles many (Hebrews 12:15). When bitterness is allowed time to fester, it is bound to cause more harm. Relationship experts advise that spouses should address conflict soon after the issue has occurred. It becomes harder to resolve a dispute after it has lingered for days, weeks, months, or years.
2. Treasure Your Marriage
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Luke 12:34)
The first thing Mike purchased when he finally got a job was a brand-new shimmering bike. He relished the adrenaline coursing through his body as he cruised through different terrains. He loved the freedom he sensed as he weaved his way through traffic. Nothing gave him more joy than exploring new places, taking in breathtaking sights, and savoring nature.
As such, Mike took care of his beloved bike like one would tend to an infant. He serviced it regularly, ensuring its oil was changed, and its brakes, tires, and battery were inspected. He would go to any length to ensure his treasured bike was in ship shape.
In the same way, if your marriage is important to you (and it should be), you will treasure it. You will be eager to weed out the things that threaten to suffocate your marriage - like unresolved conflict.
3. Prioritize Sexual Intimacy
The role of sexual intimacy in marriage cannot be understated. It unites a man to a woman, and they are no longer two individuals but one flesh (Mathew 19:6). Sex acts as a sacred seal in a marriage covenant (1 Corinthians 6:16). Research shows that sex (which is a preserve of marriage) has countless benefits.
It promotes intimacy, builds trust, reduces stress, snuffs out distractions/temptation, and enhances emotional connection. Moreover, relationship experts observe that sex helps resolve conflict in marriage. Some tiffs in marriage disappear into thin air due to sexual intimacy. Therefore, a healthy sex life is essential in ensuring that unresolved issues are kept at bay.
4. Prioritize Regular Communication
Have you ever dealt with a clogged-up sink that won't drain the water? It's downright annoying and inconvenient, isn't it? That's what happens to a marriage where regular communication is not a priority. The marriage gets clogged up and loses its rhythm. To avoid this, couples should dedicate some "alone time" weekly to connect, communicate and check in on each other.
This helps to build trust, respect, friendship, and openness. It also helps to strengthen their connection, iron out any misunderstandings, and even increases marital satisfaction. It's been proven that couples who prioritize weekly dates record fewer divorce rates. Regular communication is fundamental in weeding out unresolved conflict.
5. Realize That Your Marriage Has a Higher Purpose
God designed marriage as a picture of Christ's relationship with the church. That's why Paul exhorted wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord. He also asked husbands to love their wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. (Ephesians 5: 22-26). God has a great and elaborate plan for your marriage, and you should, too.
In God's plan, marriage is not just for companionship and starting a family. It should glorify God by mirroring his image and depicting unity between the man and his wife. As couples prefer one another above themselves, forgive each other and become one, they glorify God.
Couples should not take their marriages lightly because marriage serves a higher purpose. Paul urged the Phillipian church to work out their salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). This is the same careful attitude couples should adopt where their marriages are concerned. When issues crop up, both spouses should be eager to resolve them in order to ensure that they glorify God with their marriages.
