Can Spouses Have Friends of the Opposite Gender?
- Amanda Idleman Contributing Writer
- Updated Jan 23, 2024
Have you ever been to a wedding where the "best man" is actually a "best woman" or vice versa? At any wedding where the bestie in the bridal party was the opposite gender of the bride or groom, I always felt that a Hallmark movie scene was in the works. I really feared that when they asked, "Does anyone have any objections" the best friend would be compelled to share their true love for the bride or groom. Someone was sure to leave the wedding heartbroken.
Now that may just be a lot of Hollywood influencing my imagination, but I think it's really tough to have opposite-gender best friends in married life. Best friends share a part of your soul that is raw and tender, and you always love your best friends dearly—but opposite-gender besties can be a barrier to a healthy marriage. That special best-friend bond is meant to be reserved for your spouse.
Does this mean that once you get married, you can never talk to the opposite gender again? Absolutely not! Men and Women of faith should always be a part of your life. You and your spouse need close friends to rely on. Most people work with opposite-gender co-workers, and it's important to have a respectful and comfortable relationship with people that you have to collaborate with on a regular basis. But once you get married, every outside relationship does have to be monitored, and proper boundaries are a healthy part of keeping your marriage safe.
What healthy boundaries can you implement in your relationships to keep your marriage safe?
1. Never Meet with a Person of the Opposite Gender One-On-One
Every male friend that I love and appreciate in my life are people I know because my husband is first friends with them. We spend time with other couples as a couple. I don't have any inside jokes, I don't share any intimate details of my life, or even pray over my male friends without my husband at my side. Every text message sent to the "guys" in our small group is done in a group text that includes my husband and their wives. I firmly believe that opposite-gender friendships should be navigated with accountability, and your spouse should always be included in your interactions whenever possible.
I do not meet with other male leaders in my community alone. If I meet with a male pastor, we meet as a group. I do counseling with female counselors and mentors. Even in a work setting, I approach men in the context of a group. This helps keep everyone involved accountable. There is no chance for sly flirting or intimate private conversations that would elicit a stronger than friendship attachment when all of our interactions are done in a group setting.
Believe me, flirting and chatting about intimate things is not something that automatically stops just because you are married. Guardrails are always necessary, and sometimes the idea that a compliment or playful glance is "off limits" makes it that much more of a temptation for everyone involved. Being committed to purity and fidelity is something that we have to work at through every age and stage of life.
2. Just Don't Go There
When things get weird (and you'll know it's weird), my advice is to shut it down! Have a "we don't go there" rule for you and your husband or wife's relationships. That means the second someone of the opposite sex says something you feel strange about or feelings of admiration rise up in your chest, make a point to address the situation right away, and change the story that is growing between you.
Be open with your spouse when things start feeling off. We are all human, and no one is immune to enjoying the company of others. It's so easy for a friendship to start feeling more like a romance. Don't hide the situation in shame; bring it to the open before things get out of hand.
3. Limit Friendships of the Opposite Gender
While I don't think you have to hide away from everyone that is the opposite gender from yourself, limiting the men or women in your close circle is wise. You really only have space for about 12 close friends in your life.
Think of how many of those 12 are men and how many are women. Most of them should share your same gender, so you have enough safe places to go when you need someone to lean on. We should not be bringing our same-gender friends into our marriages when we face trials, into our parenting, or our hearts. It's just too easy for that opposite-gender person to become a lover when we rely too heavily on them. Find same-gendered friends you can lean on.
Sometimes it's tough to want to accept boundaries for our behavior. Ultimately we each are wired with a sinful nature, and a huge part of that is pride that tells us we are in control of our own lives. God's word teaches otherwise. He tells us we are his, bought at a price. Following him means surrendering to his design and implementing boundaries in our lives that help us follow him faithfully over the course of a lifetime.
Titus 1:6 says, "If anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination." We are called to be 'above reproach,' meaning we must remain faithful to our families as much as possible. In our marriages, we set an example for our children on how to have healthy, appropriate friendships with those of the opposite gender. Our choices leave a legacy. Being a spouse that protects your marriage above all else is a wonderful legacy to pass on to the next generation.
