10 Lessons I’ve Learned Since My Divorce

"He knows."

It's been over fifteen years since my husband woke me with those words. I had been sound asleep when he came to the room to tell me his secret. He had been having an affair with a woman in our church for over a year, and her husband had found the evidence. The secret was no longer a secret.

As the story fell from his lips, my world crumbled around me. The perfect life I had been building for seventeen years suddenly collapsed into a pile of lies. As I contemplated my future and how the world had changed in an instant, I wasn't sure how I would move forward—or what my life now looked like.

To make a long story short, I begged God to let our marriage thrive through the storm of adultery. I begged God to let us be the couple that demonstrated to the world adultery does not have to be the end of the story and that God can do amazing work through anyone fully committed to Him.

My marriage ended in divorce over a year later, but God still used our story—my story—to demonstrate to the world that God can do amazing work through anyone fully committed to Him.

As I contemplate the fifteen-year anniversary of the end of my marriage, I find myself reflecting on ten lessons I have learned over the years.

1. It doesn't take two. 

All my life, I have been taught that divorce takes two people. A man (or woman) who is cared for at home will not seek physical, mental, or emotional fulfillment outside the bounds of marriage, so I was told.

A strong and successful marriage does require two people fully devoted to God and one another. But divorce? Divorce only requires one hard heart willing to stray from the covenant. One spouse can be fully committed, doing everything to provide a safe, secure environment. The other spouse can be so caught up in the works of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21) that they choose to look elsewhere.

Divorce only takes one mentally or emotionally unhealthy person choosing the slippery slope.

2. All divorce involves sin, but divorce is not always sinful. 

Shortly before I chose to walk away from my marriage, I spoke with a counselor. I poured out my heart, the pain of the betrayal, the frustration of trying to do the right thing as a Christian, as a woman, as a mom.

His words were simple, "God forgives divorce just like He forgives all other sins." Even in that instant, I did not feel that walking away from my marriage was sinful for me. Over the years, I've come to accept that it might have been more sinful for me to stay, to allow my kids to be raised in an environment that hurt them and caused me to fail to live up to the purpose for which God created me.

Throughout Scripture, we see where divorce was allowed for adultery. In Deuteronomy 24, God permitted divorce because of the hardness of our hearts. He knew there would be people whose hearts were so hardened by sin that they would destroy the lives of their partners. He knew physical, mental, and emotional abuse would be so destructive to our lives.

God came to set us free. He does not intend for us to be in bondage to anyone or anything, including a destructive marriage.

3. God hates divorce, but He loves divorced people. 

I always thought God hated divorce because it was so incredibly sinful. And He does hate sin. But I've come to believe God hates divorce because of the damage and pain it heaps upon those suffering through it—and the wake of devastation it leaves. Divorce doesn't just hurt the two people walking through it. It hurts the kids. The extended family. The friends. The church. Divorce is one of the most devastating experiences this human life has to offer.

Our precious Savior looks with eyes of love on those experiencing the pain. He sees the depths of destruction and weeps over it with us. He draws near to the broken-hearted, seeking to carry the pain and the burden.

If we read the full context of Malachi 2:16, we see it's not the act of divorce that God hates. It's the sin that leads to divorce. He created marriage to be a blessing, a covenant that allows us to experience an example of His love on this earth. He created marriage to give us a safe place to be seen and fully known.

When one spouse abuses the covenant of marriage, it breaks His heart.

4. Divorce causes significant injury, but God delights in bandaging our wounds.

"Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces, but he will heal us; he has injured us, but he will bind up our wounds." Hosea 6:1

I've come to understand that experiencing the pain of this life provides a much fuller understanding of the goodness of God! You see, the pain was excruciating! But the touch of my Father was so incredibly sweet!

I have been a Christ-follower since I was a young child. I have sought His face at every stage of my life. But it wasn't until I walked through the darkest days of my life that I truly began to experience the God who heals our wounds. The God who loves us deeply. The God who is near the broken-hearted. Oh, how faithful he is!

5. Divorce can be the gateway to greater faith. 

In the early days, I almost abandoned my faith. I was so angry! I had given my entire life to God, and I thought I was guaranteed a positive outcome. How could God fail me this way?

I became a faithless saint, one seeking to live a lukewarm life. I decided I would follow God on Sunday but live my way the rest of the week. After all, being fully committed didn't help me avoid the pain of adultery.

Instead of leaving me as I ran from Him, God pursued me. He came after me as the one lost sheep. He called me home to the safety of the sheepfold. He taught me to have a deeper intimacy with Him than I ever dreamed possible. He took me from the faith of my childhood to a faith that has been tried and purified by the fires of this life.

6. Divorce is not the easy way out. 

I often hear people refer to divorce as people taking the easy way out. What I can tell you from experience is that there is nothing easy about divorce. I went from a stay-at-home mom raising my three kids to trying to navigate the workforce overnight. I lost my financial security. I lost the future I had been building. I lost my past. I lost my title of pastor's wife.

I was lost.

Slowly, day after day, year after year, God put my broken life back together again (1 Peter 5:9-10). I slowly began to see the new thing He was doing in me and through me. Slowly, I began to see Him answer my prayers in His way. I slowly began to see glimpses of the new life He was creating for me. Every single step was excruciatingly difficult. It was a time of fear and anxiety, of having to trust God for every single need.

Being a single mom is not for the faint of heart. There are many, many moments of learning to walk by faith as you wait to see God come through just in time. It's exhausting. It's scary. It's the hardest thing I have ever done.

It is also beautiful to look back and see God's faithfulness. You may not see it in the midst of the endless days, but when you reach the other side—the Promised Land of a life restored—you can look back and say the journey was fun.

7. Divorce can be the door to God's abundant life. 

I can't imagine what my life would look like had I not ultimately chosen to walk away into the unknown with my Father holding out His arms, beckoning me to step out of the boat in faith and walk on water with Him!

In the past fifteen years, God has fulfilled so many desires! He has repaid everything I lost and so much more! He took this broken shell of a woman—and three broken children—and taught them to blossom and bloom where He plants them. He remade us, taking the broken pieces and making us into His image.

I am forever thankful for the journey God took us on. I am thankful I have been able to taste and see that He is good. I am thankful for the experience of truly walking by faith and not by sight. I could fill an entire book with the beauty he created in the journey.

8. Forgiveness is essential, but reconciliation is not. 

I will never forget the moment God allowed His forgiveness to flow through me to the other woman, a woman I once called my friend. It was only Him through me, but it was a moment that forever changed me. It was a moment that taught me how much damage anger does, how it holds you captive and destroys your life.

Forgiving my husband was a longer process complicated by ongoing interactions filled with anger and more betrayals. Ultimately, over years of processing and praying, I reached a place of complete peace with everything that had transpired. It was in that process I learned how to forgive, how to achieve true freedom.

No matter your story, I encourage you to see to forgive and let God write His story of forgiveness in your life. Forgiveness does extensive damage to you. It does not mean you must reconcile, only that you let go of the pain and trust God with your situation.

9. We must turn to the Holy Spirit for our understanding of Scripture and not human interpretation. 

Over the years, so many well-meaning Christians have thrown Scripture in my face. They have insisted I would never be forgiven if I remarried, that my only hope of intimacy with God was to pine away for reconciliation until one of us passed from this life.

Every interpretation of Scripture—even the legalistic views—have a root in the Word of God. However, we must be cautious to let the Holy Spirit guide our interpretations instead of just taking the traditions that have been passed down for generations. You see, I came to realize these narrow views of marriage and divorce fail to consider the full Scripture, the character of God, the nature of His forgiveness.

For too long, we have elevated the institution of marriage over the individuals God so dearly loves.

10. Divorce does not disqualify us from our calling. 

One of my first thoughts when I learned of my husband's affair was about our church. Who have we caused to stumble? Whose faith is weak and may be negatively affected by the pastor having an affair? How have we hurt the name of my Jesus?

One of my next thoughts was about God's calling on my life. I was called to ministry as a young child. My life was all about serving God. How do I reconcile my current situation with that calling? Am I forever disqualified from ministry?

As God began to work on my heart, I knew my days of ministry were not over. They may not look like they did two decades ago, but He has been so gracious to use me in even greater ways! I am thankful to be reminded by Romans 11:29 that God's call is irrevocable. Praise be to God, who brings such beauty out of our broken lives!

Dena Johnson Martin is a former single mom of three who learned the power of walking intimately with God when her marriage fell apart. Her greatest desire is to use her darkest days to encourage others to find the joy of a life restored by Jesus Christ. She earned her Master's in Life Coaching and is available to assist others with rebuilding their lives after the storms of adultery and divorce. In her spare time, Dena works as a Registered Nurse and is a regular contributor at Crosswalk.com. If you would like to contact Dena, please feel free to interact with her on her blog, Dena Johnson Ministries or email her at Dena@denajohnson.com.