What if I Feel Like I Married the Wrong Person?

The following is a transcript of the video above, edited for readability.

I think that coming to that place where you say, "I think I've married the wrong person," is probably....  the only harder thing to have to face is leaving the Lord God, or realizing you made the wrong decision in who to believe. We become one flesh with someone, and the perception that is broken and is irreparable, it is an overwhelming question to entertain. There are going to be times, and this is crucial to how we answer that, where the answer is objectively yes, it is the wrong person. And the key word in that is "objectively." Because where your partner is unrepentantly adulterous, where your partner is hatefully non-Christian and wants nothing to do with you, your faith, your family, where your partner is... There's criminal violent beatings and such there, I married the wrong person. In one sense, I said my vows honestly, but their actions are proving that this is not a marriage to be in.

Those reasons come up obviously, but probably the vast bulk of people who wrestle with the question, "Did I marry the wrong person?" It's subjective reasons. I feel estranged. I feel hurt, I'm confused, I feel angry. I don't know what to do about this. My spouse seems unresponsive. He always does that. She's always like this. It's one of those where the reasons are subjective.

You are forced first to take a long hard look in the mirror. James 4 poses the question very bluntly, "What causes wars and fighting among you?" And it doesn't say my wife or my husband, the other guy. It says, "Is it not your desires that wage war within you?" You want something and you don't get it. So you fight, murder, kill. The picture there is that when typically we human beings collide, and every marriage has collisions, just as every parent-child relationship, every set of roommates, every church, there are always collisions. And those things become a great test of whether I lock myself into self-righteousness and basically say, "It's you." Or whether I soften my heart and am willing to say, "There may be something that you do or even do often that I really don't like or disagree with, that's even hurtful, but what is it about me that God wants to start with?"

And where you get that willingness to say, "What is it about me?" The rules fundamentally change. Grace starts to become operative. Grace always flows downhill. It's like water, it never flows uphill to the proud. And the rules start to change. You start to look at yourself in a different way. And it's amazing how in an interpersonal conflict, well, let's say my wife and I are disagreeing with each other, bickering. For me to say, "My attitude stinks. I'm wrong to get so irritated." She's in instant agreement. The argument is over. All of a sudden she agrees with me. There's something about humility that because it's disarmed, it's disarming.

I'll tell a short story. Early in our marriage, it'd been a long day. It was about 10:00 at night. I was parked on the couch holding a magazine on my head. We had a two-year-old, our house looked like the EPA ought to be arriving momentarily. Nan was trying to pick up and she made one of those wifely comments husbands don't appreciate, like, "It would sure be nice to have some help around here sometimes." And my response was simply to lower the magazine one inch. No fireworks, I didn't pull out my 45 and start blowing holes in the sheet rock, but I was angry. It's like, "I've had a hard day. I'm tired. Why does she talk to me with that tone of voice?" Now, unfortunately or fortunately for me, I'd read 1 Corinthians 13 that very morning. It said, "Love is patient and love is kind."

And the next thought that ran through my mind was, I am being impatient and I am being unkind. And if I'm being impatient and unkind, that's hate, not love. And by the mercy of God, I got up off the couch. I asked Nan, I said, "Would you please forgive me for my bad attitude, for my irritability?" And she said, "I do forgive you, and will you forgive me for being pushy?" And I said, "I do forgive you."

We gave each other a hug and cleaned up the house together. Now, that's only a tiny little snapshot, but it's a snapshot that even in far more significant interpersonal conflicts, those same dynamics of mercy triumphing over judgment. God intends that we receive from Him mercy and then are able to give mercy to others.

(Article first published March 22, 2013)

For more information about David Powlison, visit: www.ccef.org

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