5 Things Couples Get Wrong about Sex

There is a lot of talk about sex, but some of the conjectures are just plain wrong. Here are a few lies that couples believe about sex. When you stop believing these lies, your sex life will become more mutually satisfying and sizzling. 

1. Sex is a hot date activity.

Sex is more than erotic gymnastics. Sex is not some performance standard to live up to. Sex is a RELATIONSHIP! Sex is a GIFT! Sex is a HOLY COVENANT.  In our book, Red Hot Monogamy, we take a look at 5 reasons why God gave sex: 

Procreation 

“Be fruitful and increase in number.” (Genesis 1:22)

The human race is perpetuated through the sexual union of a male and female. 

Recreation 

“And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was SPORTING with Rebekah his wife.” (Genesis 26:8 KJV emphasis added)

God could have used any word for sex here but it is commonly translated “sporting” giving the idea that sex within marriage is to be enjoyed.

Reconnection 

“Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5)

Sex is meant to keep couples emotionally, physically and spiritually connected.

Rejuvenation 

“Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love.” (Song of Solomon 2:5)

Sex within marriage is good for our health and emotional wellness. For example, here are three fun facts about how sex improves our physical well-being: 

• Sex releases endorphins and makes us happier.
• Sex prepares and protects our bodies for future sex. The more we have sex, the better prepared our bodies are for future sex. And in midlife and beyond, sex for a husband can even help protect him from prostate cancer. 
• Sex burns calories! According to the calorie counter on the Health Status website, “an hour of sex burns 250 calories, the same amount as an hour of walking... Assuming that one did not make any alterations in his or her diet, by engaging in an hour of sex every day, one would lose a pound every two weeks.” (So walking versus sex—which would you rather do?)

Proclamation 

“He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:28–32) 

Sex is a picture of the complete love and commitment intended for marriage, marriage reflects Christ’s love for the church. In short—your love is a light of God’s love!

2. Sex is not vital. 

To dismiss having sex with excuses like, “we are too busy,” “we’re too tired,” or “we’re too wrapped up in the kids’ activities,” is a decision to rob strength from your marriage. In addition to the reasons above, sex has two very vital bonuses: 

Sex is like the superglue that can hold a couple together through very rocky times. When a couple has sex it releases oxytocin, a bonding chemical, so the more sex with your mate, the stronger the bond. Additionally, when you have “red hot monogamy” not only are you bonded, but happy endorphins release so the outside problems you two might be having seem just a little less daunting.  

Sex is Better Than x-ray Vision. The popular Old Testament term used to refer to sex is “to know.” It is the ability to allow yourself to be so enraptured with your spouse that he or she feels completely safe and able to let his or her guard down. This is truly what makes sex so powerful and meaningful. 

This is also what sex was created to be in the Garden of Eden, before the fall of man. Adam and Eve were “naked and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25 NASB). By its very nature, sex requires you to become naked physically, but great sex—soulful and satisfying sex—also allows your souls to be naked before one another. This kind of safe vulnerability can lead to breakthroughs into what is really going on in his or her heart and mind.

When the trust level is built up by one good sexual experience after another, not only are you willing to risk and try new ways to express intimacy, you become willing to risk emotionally as well.  Sex can be a safe place where life’s strongest emotions can be expressed. That is why couples reach out across the darkness and find comfort in each other’s arms when they have experienced great loss. And it is also why sex is so often the celebration after some groundbreaking good news. Sex is the perfect place to share all the best of life with our mate.  

3. Sex is steamier if you use porn. 

Bringing in pornography, while it might seem sexy it is actually the WORST choice a couple can make because there is an addictive element to these false images. Furthermore, pornography weakens the ability for a man’s sexual organs to respond. The sexual images need to become more and more graphic to get any response in the body’s sexual system so the use of porn can actually STOP a couple’s ability to be intimate. And some couples (or one of you) may become so addicted on these counterfeits of sexuality that you can be lured down into the swirling vortex of dangerous choices, further eroding trust, and resulting in diseases, or even lead to death. 

4. Sex is impossible without a babysitter. 

Come on! Be creative! Sure planning a romantic night might be easier when you can get away or hire a sitter to put the kids to bed before you get home, but it can also be expensive. Much of the fun in marriage is in creating the spark and sizzle for pennies and some imagination.

In our book Red Hot Monogamy, we give 200 red hot ideas and many cost little or nothing. For example, dinner in front of the fireplace after the kids are down, or tossing up mosquito netting and twinkling lights over your bed  to set a new mood, or turning your bedroom into a serene spa with candlelight, essential oils, a warm bubble bath and some delectable foods typically seen as aphrodisiacs. And in my book Red Hot Tips for Women, I share some ways to transform everyday places in your home to backdrops for love. For example: 

• It’s not the back yard—it is a mountain camping spot. Pop up the tent, and take ONE sleeping bag and snuggle into it together. 
• It’s not a backyard charcoal grill—it is a romantic fire pit! Drop the legs of the barbeque a little lower, pull up your lawn chairs, and toast up s’mores while you kiss in the glow of the embers. 
• It’s not a garage—it is a drive in movie. Climb into the back seat, put your laptop in the dash and turn on a romantic movie (like ones from 50s “Drive In” days) and steam up those windows!
• It’s not the patio—it is the deck of a cruise ship. Wrap the patio poles in Christmas lights, pop up tiki torches, or float candles in the pool (even the kiddie pool!) Then dance the night away.
• It’s not a walk-in closet—it is the inside of a Bedouin tent! Take sheets and Christmas lights and line the inside of your closet, throw down the sofa cousins and all the pillows and make love Sahara Desert style. (Every time the two of you reach into the closet from this point on you will think of each other!) 

5. Sex has to be spontaneous to be sizzling. 

Conversely, if a couple schedules sex, not only can they enjoy spontaneous moments of love, but they can regularly look forward to intimacy in the middle of a very busy life. Scheduled sex has several payoffs: 

It gives you both something positive to look forward to each week, like light at the end of the responsibility tunnel. It eliminates the “ask”—no one has to plead, or give puppy-dog eyes of hope because you have both agreed on one night that is a sure thing. Scheduling allows for prime-time planning so you can both come in rested, showered, and in a mindset for love. And scheduled sex builds trust. 

When you both keep your word to each other week after week, this builds a track record of trust then this trust extends outside the bedroom. And much to the shock of Hollywood , it is trust, not extravagance (or deviance) that is the most vital element that keeps a marriage sizzling for a lifetime. 

Pam and Bill Farrel are international speakers, authors of 44 books  including Red Hot Monogamy; Red Hot Tips for Women; The First Five Years, and Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti. They are Co- directors of Love-Wise.com  and have kept the spark in their love for more than 36 years.

Publication date: May 11, 2016