How Do You Know When It’s Too Late to Save Your Marriage?

When people first get married, everything is great. You are passionately in love, and nothing can bring you down from the newlywed high that you're on. What most people don't understand at the beginning is that marriage takes work.

You will go through difficulties; times when you aren't as enchanted with each other as you used to be, and times when things are going really well. This is the natural ebb and flow of life. No one's marriage is perfect. However, it's when you can't get back to a place of connecting with each other that there is a problem. But how do you know when it's too late to save your marriage?

Lack of Affection/Intimacy

Every couple experiences times when they are more affectionate and intimate with each other than others. Things like kids, jobs, and other life pressures can often affect this. However, when there is a total lack of affection or intimacy, there is a problem, and it may be helpful to seek professional help.

Communication Issues

Sometimes, couples go through periods where they have trouble communicating. One person may have a firm opinion about something, and the other party may disagree. Maybe they disagree on a certain way to parent their kids, or one party may want to go away for the weekend with friends, and the other disapproves. They simply can't agree.

Other times, a partner is simply silent about what's bothering them and doesn't talk about it until it festers and becomes a big blowup. Sometimes, the emotional damage is too much to repair.

Lack of Sympathy/Respect/Trust

People in relationships go through different things, both as a couple and as individuals. Depending on what it is, the other party may respond in a way that's unexpected.

Rebuilding trust can be very difficult when infidelity or deceit has eroded it. When a couple doesn't respect each other, that is a good sign that a marriage is on its way to the end. A lack of sympathy in situations also indicates that something serious is going on. Marriages thrive on trust and respect, and without them, they can't thrive.

Growing Apart

People grow and evolve as they get older. You and your partner won't stay the same as when you first married. This can be a positive thing if people are maturing, especially if you get married young.

Still, growing and evolving can be a bad thing, especially if you find you and your partner growing apart. If you spend more time alone doing things by yourself or that new interests cause you to spend more time with friends than you do together, your marriage is in danger.

Not Being Able to Talk through Problems

Being able to talk through problems is a big deal. When all you do is fight rather than sit down and have a rational conversation about your problems, it's a sign that your marriage may not be salvageable.

Not Being Able to Find Resolution Post-Conflict

On the opposite side of this equation, if you can talk through your problems but not find a resolution when the conflict is over, this is also a red flag.

In order to find resolutions to conflict, both parties need to listen and offer solutions. If you can't both offer solutions and find a resolution, chances are your marriage is over. If you discuss resolutions and one partner says they will commit to doing better but doesn't change, things will not improve.

Avoidance

If you do anything you can to avoid your partner, this is a sign that it may be too late to save your marriage. When you go out with friends as much as you can, spend time away from your partner in the same house, or do anything else to avoid talking to or being around them, there's a problem.

This also goes for avoiding problems that need to be addressed. Either party wants to work on fixing things, and the other doesn't, or both parties simply avoid the issues.

Feelings of Loneliness or Resentment

Sometimes problems can fester so long you resent your partner. Things they aren't doing, that your needs aren't being met, or that when you talk about things, nothing changes.

This can lead you to feeling lonely and like no one understands. These feelings can lead to addictions, physical affairs, and emotional affairs. These feelings clearly indicate that your marriage may not be saved.

Feeling like You Can't Be Yourself

One of the most important things in a relationship is the ability to be yourself. This means every facet of you, from the good to the bad to all the quirks in between. When you feel you can't fully be yourself or be yourself safely, it's a good sign that your marriage may not be saved.

No Emotional Connection

When you first got together, you shared everything from how your day went to your goals and dreams. If you find yourselves not asking each other about your daily lives, sharing your feelings, or talking about your aspirations for the future, there is some serious emotional detachment going on.

What if Both Parties Think It's Worth Saving?

These are signs it's too late to save your marriage, but what if both of you still want to try? What are some next steps?

Start with professional help. Even if you want to move heaven and earth to save your marriage, you can't do it alone. Enlisting professional help and attending sessions together and separately is a great way to rebuild your marriage.

Commit to communication. We can't have any kind of successful relationship if we can't communicate. This applies to friendships, relationships with bosses and coworkers, and especially marriages. You and your partner need to commit to having open, honest communication where you will be open and honest and hear each other out. This makes a way for healing and understanding.

Commit to mutual growth. Both parties must commit to growing together and learning from their mistakes.

Set clear goals. Sit down and discuss some goals for your future and your relationship. Then, narrow it down so that those goals are crystal clear to both of you and you both know where you're headed. Next, write down some steps to help achieve those goals, and celebrate your progress when you hit them.

Be empathetic to each other. Attempt to see each other's perspective and be empathetic to each other. This will get you on the right track for healing old wounds and bridging gaps.

Spend quality time together. Make it a point to engage in activities you used to love to do together. Browse a bookstore, go on a hike, attend a concert, see a movie, go for a walk, etc.

Check-in regularly.As you go through therapy and rebuild your marriage, have regular check-ins with each other to discuss your progress and what needs attention.

Bring the change you want. If you want your partner to be more open in communication, do that. If you want them to be more honest about their feelings, be so about yours. Want more date nights? Plan one. Instead of telling them about the change you want, be proactive and show them.

Hug. This sounds like the most simple thing in the world, but hugs can make a world of difference. When you hug your partner, you get bursts of serotonin and dopamine, happiness hormones that make you feel closer to your partner. But don't just hug for three seconds; a full seven minutes will help you get the best results.

Pray. You got married because you felt God brought you together. Pray and ask him to help you rebuild your relationship and re-solidify your marriage. Even when things look hopeless, God can do anything.

Do something different. When you were first together, everything was exciting and new. So take a trip together, hike somewhere you haven't been before, or take a class together. It doesn't have to be something big. Have a picnic in the living room and watch a movie. Sleep on the opposite side of the bed than you usually do. Go to dinner with friends. Anything that will shake up your routine.

Revisit your dreams. Sit down together and talk about the dreams you had when you were younger compared to now. Revamp those dreams if needed and make a dream board to visualize what you want and where you're going. Then sit down and write out specific action steps to make those goals happen.p^p

When issues are neglected, and people grow apart, marriage can become a fragile thing. Even though the reasons above show that it's too late to save a marriage, it doesn't have to be this way. When both parties will work on it and seek God's help, they can restore the marriage.

Has your marriage ever come back from the verge of separation? What signs do you think signify it's too late to save the relationship? Join the discussion on Crosswalk Forums.