How to Establish a Routine of Spontaneity in Your Marriage

My husband is a planner. As in, he plans everything. When we go on a trip, he will map out every detail from the minute we leave to the minute we come home. The spontaneous girl in me used to push down the frustration every time he would mention we had to be at a certain place at a specific time – on vacation. Who plans stuff on vacation? My sweet husband does.

As a younger couple, we would often argue on the first few days of our trip and not know why. However, we noticed where I wanted to relax and have fun, he was eager to take in as much sightseeing as possible. It led us to discover we needed a balanced blend of planned and not-so-planned activities. My husband is still a planner. I am still spontaneous. He is the realist. I am the dreamer. He is the excel spreadsheet. I am the sticky notes all over the place. He is a saver. I am a spender. You get the picture. Why is this important? Well, when we begin to understand the nature of our spouses, we begin to love them differently. And quite honestly, better.

Now that we've been married for nearly 20 years, I can say we both have learned to give and take in this area. Having three children, we see the need to plan and coordinate our schedules. However, to keep our relationship from growing stale, we also see the need to carve out time for just the two of us. Because if we don't, after a while, we become like two ships in the night, passing each other up with quick greetings and even quicker good-bye kisses. 'Tis the season of children going in a hundred different directions.

Here's the thing. If we want our marriages to be good examples for our children, we must start by living them out the way God tells us! (Ephesians 5:22-31) We must show our children that our marriage matters. That the love we have for them all started with the love we have for one another. (Mark 10:8)

Life will always have a way of catching up to us and stealing away our time. Busy schedules can and will hinder us if we let them, so it is important to make our marriages a priority. If we don't place this valuable union above all the other distractions, it will begin to fizzle out. Spontaneity can breathe life back into your marriage, maybe giving it that spark you both need.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. When was the last time you did something fun with your spouse?
2. When was the last time you planned something for just the two of you?
3. How often do you spend time together - alone? (without falling asleep)

The purpose of asking these questions is to call attention to the priority you and your spouse put on your marriage. The truth is that when we sink into our comfort zones and easily slip into our daily patterns (we are creatures of habit after all), we eventually start going in two different directions. The result can be devastating. Recent statistics show that the divorce rate among empty nesters has nearly doubled in the last few decades. This is heartbreaking to know that so many couples are merely hanging on for years before those "I do's" become "I can't anymore." Nobody wants their marriage to fall into these statistics. Nobody wants a lifeless marriage or to just stay in it for the children's sake. Not only do our marriages suffer, but our children have a special radar for picking up tension and can often see when their parents are faking their affection.

If we want strong, healthy, and God-centered marriages that can withstand the test of time, we have to invest in them. Our marriages won't be fail-proof, but the time poured into them will be worth the effort. Here are some ways to reignite those flames and bring spontaneity back into your marriage.

First, take your heart to the Father.

Relationships are messy. Two flawed people join together, each bringing in their own ideas and expectations. Marriages are no exception. In fact, these relationships tack on a new level of expectations because we invest our hearts in a different (but beautiful) way. We walk down the aisle with vulnerability, knowing there is a risk yet still do it wholeheartedly. Why? Because deep down, we all want to be fully known and still loved.

Thankfully, where people (and even our spouses) may fail us, God knows each of us intimately and understands the desires of our hearts. His love for us never ever fails! Even more, He tells us to come to Him and share our worries and deepest concerns. He invites us to present our requests, and He listens to us intently. (Philippians 4:6-7) That is so comforting.

By handing our marriages over to our Father and seeking Him first, we acknowledge and understand God's purpose and plan for a healthy marriage. The roles He gave a husband and a wife, and the command He gave us to love one another. (Proverbs 31: 11-12) When we share our marriage with our God, He has a beautiful way of opening the doors of our hearts and helping us see where we may need to bend a little, giving us a fresh perspective. Maybe even creating more room for spontaneity, if needed.

Now, plan for some fun!

Planning to be spontaneous may sound like an oxymoron but jotting down "reservations for two" on the calendar gives you both something to look forward to. When schedules fill up fast, sit down and discuss a day of the week the two of you can do something together. Then hold each other accountable and make it happen!

Need any ideas on what to do? Google does hold many answers. However, you can also each write down about five fun ideas on a piece of paper (examples include: picnic at the park, play a board game, go to a new restaurant, take a hike or go on a bike ride) then cut them apart and put them in a jar. Your "spontaneous jar." Pull one piece of paper out each time you and your sweet spouse are ready for some fun; then let the good times roll!

Keep the excitement alive by staying connected. Send your sweetheart a simple text or call them at work and briefly share how you can't wait to spend time together. This will turn up the heat and keep you both filled with anticipation. By making it a habit of reaching out and checking in on your spouse throughout the day, you will find you want to spend more time together!

Don't forget to have dreamy conversations too. What has God laid on both of your hearts? What is something you both want to do in two, five, ten years? Talk about it! Dreaming together is not only fun, but it does wonders for your precious little people, too. Want to offer your children stable security? Let them hear you talk about your dreams, then watch their faces light up!

Be thankful.

Want to make the most of those fun and spontaneous times? Build up your spouse! Open up your heart and thank them for the blessings they bestow on you and your family. Then let them know you are willing to fight to keep the love alive in your marriage and will do whatever it takes to keep it from growing stale. Show them that you are in it for the long haul and plan to make it sweeter each year.

When establishing a routine of spontaneity in your marriage, think about your spouse's interests and plan with purpose. The purpose of sprinkling in a little spontaneity is to grow closer together and build a marriage that lasts a lifetime.

Photo credit: ©Unsplash/Karsten Winegeart

Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.