How to Make Time for Intimacy When Life Gets Busy

These days, life moves at the speed of light. In such a fast-paced society, we focus on work, the next thing on our to-do list, or social media. The world would like us to think we are more connected with social media, but it's the complete opposite. With so many things vying for our attention, making time for intimacy with our spouses can take a back seat. If you are feeling this way, here are some ways to get back on track.

What Is the Definition of Intimacy?

Let's start with the definition of intimacy. According to Merriam-Webster, intimacy is the state of being intimate (familiarity) or something of a personal or private nature.

When most people think of intimacy, they immediately think about sex. However, intimacy can take all kinds of forms like emotional intimacy, mental intimacy (being like-minded, private thoughts shared only with your spouse), and non-sexual intimacy like holding hands or putting your arms around each other or the caress of a face. These things bring people closer together.

Making Time for Intimacy

Date Nights

Schedule regular date nights with your spouse every week or at least every two weeks. Hire a sitter for an hour or two and then go have a meal, dessert, or coffee together. Put away your phones and other technology and be fully present for each other.

Instead of talking about the kids or work, talk about a show you watch together, a book you're reading, or an event coming up that you would like to attend. Talk about the year ahead and what you want to do. This is the time to have fun, light conversation. Granted, there may be times when you need to discuss a serious or concerning matter privately, and that's fine. But overall, this should be a time to relax, talk, and enjoy each other.

Staycations

Plan a weekend away without the kids a few times a year. Get a hotel room in your area, order room service, and reconnect with each other. Disconnect from technology so you can be in tune with each other.

Make plans to do something different that you have never done in your area. Take a cooking or pottery class or do another activity that interests both of you.

The week before, send lots of flirty texts or leave love notes for each other in order to up the anticipation.

Make Time for Healthy Communication

Photo credit: GettyImages/bernardbodo

Get into a healthy communication pattern. Talk about your day, ask questions, make plans, and really listen to your spouse. If something comes up, text your spouse about it and see what they think. It's important always to keep the lines of communication open and honest.

Emotional Intimacy

Make sure you take time to talk in the evening. Share about your day, including the good points and bad points, and about anything else that may bother you. The more you disclose to your spouse, the closer you will be.

Studies show that a hug or kiss that lasts 7 seconds is a great way to send your spouse off for the day.

Put aside 20 minutes each evening to curl up in bed and talk to your spouse. Having an intimate, detail-oriented conversation will help you bond and keep you on the same page in your relationship and your lives. Don't forget to remind your spouse of three things that you appreciate about them.

Take a Walk

Go outside and take a walk together. Point out things that you see along the way, like an eagle flying overhead or fall leaves on the trees or how clear the sky and stars are. You don't have to talk about what's going on in your lives. Just take time to enjoy the scenery and be with each other.

You can take a walk around the block or in the park down the street. There may even be a shopping area in your town where you could take a walk.

When I lived in Illinois, the next town over had a quaint downtown area with a square and a fountain. Small, independent shops lined all sides of the square. Sometimes, my husband and I would go for a walk there if we had a day off work together. If the weather was nice, we would sit by the fountain and enjoy the peaceful atmosphere.

Intimacy in the Small Things

Not everything in life has to be a big, grandiose deal. Sometimes there is more fun and intimacy in the small stuff, like the mundane things like chores and grocery shopping.

Schedule some time for extra pillow talk in bed or get up early before the kids to have coffee together in a quiet house for an hour. If you can schedule a virtual lunch together twice a week while you're at work, do so. Maybe on Mondays and Fridays. This way, you can check in at the beginning of the week and again at the end to see how things went. Do things together like grocery shopping, folding laundry, or washing the car. Make these moments intentional and focus on your spouse. Put all of you into it. The only rule of thumb is don't collaborate on something you're going to fight over.

Focus on Affectionate Touch

Touch doesn't always have to lead to sex, although it can. But it doesn't have to. Give your partner a kiss before you leave for work. When your husband or wife is doing something stressful like paying bills, budgeting, or doing taxes, give them a quick neck and shoulder massage. When you are at your son's high school football game, hold their hand. This is a great way to continue to solidify the bond you have and will let your spouse know you are thinking of them.

Talk about Your Needs

As we go about our busy lives, it's easy for intimacy with our partner to fade or be put on the back burner, so talk about your needs. If one or both of you are struggling with this, talk about it. Make sure you do this before resentment builds.

Talk about your feelings and brainstorm ideas about how you can reconnect. This could be more date nights, more physical intimacy, or even more time away together. Make sure you talk about your feelings with your spouse often, so you are always on the same page and can be quick to make corrections before there is something wrong.

Being Present

This is incredibly important. In a fast-paced world, we constantly connect to our devices 24/7. Email and text can keep us tied to our work. We get distracted by texts from our friends, family, and kids that aren't urgent, or we get immersed in a movie, television show, book, podcast, or social media. This is the nature of our society, but it can come at a price. When we are connecting more to our devices and less with our spouses, there is a problem. How do we fix it?

Be present with our spouses. Turn off the phones, tablets, computers, and televisions and give each other our full, undivided attention. Sit with your spouse and look them in the eyes when you talk. Give deep, meaningful answers in conversation. Turn your brain off and focus on when things turn physical. Genuinely enjoy their company when you go out and about together.

Get Creative

Be creative and break out of the same old, same old. Buy a book focused on couples with questions to answer and spend more time getting to know each other even more. Try something different physically. Call in sick to work or send the kids to grandma's for the weekend and spend all day in bed together.

Plan a trip to another state and attend a concert or festival. Spend the day visiting independent shops in your town (e.g., used bookstores, vintage stores, cooking stores, etc.).

Take a train or bus to the big city and spend the day together. Go to the spa together. Save your money and go out to a fancy restaurant for lunch. Drive to a lookout spot in your area and enjoy the view. You could even go to a drive-in movie if there is a theater nearby.

Breaking out of your routine and being creative is a great way to shake things up and rebuild the intimacy you are craving in your relationship.

Just because life gets busy doesn't mean that intimacy with your spouse has to die. Sit down together and talk about how things are going, what needs to be improved, and make a plan with action steps to make reconnecting happen.

Stepping out of the norm and trying something new will breathe fresh life into your relationship. Doing things that are nostalgic to you can also help, like going back to where you first met, recreating your first date, or taking part in an activity you used to love, like going to the drive-in, roller skating, or to a certain restaurant every Friday night. Anything that can get you out of your routine and get you communicating again.

Talking things over and finding solutions will help you reconnect and create a lasting relationship into the future.

What about in your own marriage? What has worked for you and your spouse when you realize you need to get back on track? Join the conversation on Crosswalk Forums!

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/bernardbodo