How to Set Boundaries and Preserve Your Marriage During Holiday Gatherings

When my husband and I first got married, both of our families wanted us to visit for the holiday season. Because we were used to only seeing our own families for the holidays, we needed to create new routines and traditions not only for us but for our children. We sat down and talked about which holiday we would see each family. Because our families lived close to each other, it was easiest for us to share each day by visiting both families for the holidays. We would rotate which family we saw in the morning and which we saw in the afternoon. Although this became tricky, especially with Christmas and having children, we were able to drive to both families' homes and give equal time so that the kids could see both sides of their family for the holiday. As our kids have grown older, however, it's not as important for them to get equal time with their families. Therefore, we can spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other. Then, we rotate each year so that one family does not get one holiday over the other. We both had to realize this was a situation in which we would have to compromise, each of us giving up time with our families for our favorite holiday. We had to lay aside our old traditions and create new ones instead. Our ability to compromise helped save our holidays so they were not stressful. But not every family can compromise, leading to stressful holiday events.

Holidays can be stressful times for everyone, especially for those who live close to their relatives. Even for families that see each other frequently throughout the year, holidays can be most difficult as most families see the holidays as a time for family. If one spouse chooses one family over the other, it can cause strife and turmoil, ruining the holidays for everyone. This is especially true for spouses in the marriage. Difficult relatives can also strain a marriage if spouses are not careful. Spouses need to create healthy boundaries for themselves so holidays can be a stress-free, joyous occasion for everyone involved.

Here are some ways to set reasonable boundaries to make the holidays as stress-free as possible and preserve the marriage:

Predict the Conversation

Holidays can be stressful for the spouse visiting their in-laws because there may be traits about them they don't like. Furthermore, your spouse's parents may not like you either. This can cause the spouse to not want to see them for the holidays. To avoid skipping the holidays with relatives altogether, role play and predict the conversations that may be had. Some families choose to have similar conversations every time they get together. For example, some families like to start a political debate over the dinner table or talk about different theological or spiritual positions. Predict what conversations may be had and think of a response ahead of time so the conversation doesn't get out of hand.

For example, if you have an uncle who likes to bash the other side of the political spectrum, assert yourself and tell him that conversation is off-limits. When the uncle begins to speak, calmly say, "Now is not the time for a political debate. Can we talk about something else?" The uncle might get mad that he can't have the debate he wants and cause the drama he loves, but it may keep the peace at the dinner table. Similarly, the relative with the most liberal spiritual position may like to bash those with a more conservative perspective. If this is the case, calmly say, "I respect your opinion on this, but now is not the time to debate." Sometimes relatives do it just to get a rise from the other person. Be the bigger person and diffuse the situation early so that debate doesn't have to happen. You may be the enemy in the moment, but the peace you achieve in the end might make the holidays enjoyable and avoid a fight with your spouse later.

Avoid the Toxic Relatives

Relatives can be difficult, especially those you have not seen all year. But some relatives have nothing good to say about any family member and put a damper on an otherwise joyous occasion. Avoid those relatives if you can. Strategize where you will sit at the dinner table so the relative can't lure you into a negative conversation. Place yourself at the table surrounded by people with whom you enjoy conversing. Think of some questions beforehand to ask the more pleasant relatives to engage in conversation. If you are conversing with someone else, chances are the toxic relative won't be able to draw you into a conversation you'd rather not have. Keep yourself talking with the favored relatives and enjoy the conversation. The fellowship you gain with them may outweigh an impending difficult situation with a difficult relative.

Elevate Your Spouse

To preserve your marriage, it is good for your spouse to talk about your good qualities to your relatives. For example, if you are hosting dinner that year, when everyone sits down, compliment your spouse on a job well done and ask the guests to give them a round of applause. Make them feel good about the dinner they've provided. If you and your spouse go to the other family's home for dinner, compliment your spouse on the food they chose to bring or their recent accomplishments throughout the year. It's good for a marriage to elevate them by complimenting how good they are to your relatives. This will help make your marriage one that others want to emulate rather than tear down. This will also make the stressful situation much happier.

Compromise When Necessary 

If conversations go long and it's time to get to the other family's home, compromise and stay a bit longer at the current place. It's no fun for anyone when you only spend an hour or two with enjoyable relatives. Visiting relatives should be just as enjoyable for you as for your spouse. Honor your spouse and their dislike for relatives if you go to that house first. Give extra time at the second family's home if that's important to your spouse as a reward for enduring a toxic environment. Play it by ear even when you have created an exit strategy to leave a difficult family situation at a certain time. If your spouse is having fun at that relative's home, continue to do so. Vow to make more time for the other relatives when it's their holiday. You can also extend your time at the second home to give your spouse more time to spend with the relatives you like.

No matter how hard we try, holidays are difficult. They can provide stress with making food and dealing with overbearing parents, nagging siblings, and jealous relatives. Setting healthy boundaries from the beginning will take the stress out of the holiday and not place an undue strain on your marriage.

Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor's wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Hall of Faith encourages kids to understand God can be trusted. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.