I Got Married and, Surprise, My Life Isn't Perfect

And I have to say, I don't think the Church has done many favors to women in this arena either. Although the intentions of purity culture may have been good, I remember in middle and high school being told repeatedly that "one day I'd find my Boaz" and to wait until then. I'm not saying that dreaming about godly marriage is wrong–but because purity was so heavily emphasized, so was getting married, and it left me feeling like that was my sole purpose in life.

That, coupled with how the Church can tend to give women higher leadership positions only after she gets married, it's easy to see how women can believe that once you get married, that's it. Your life will now be perfect.

But, well, sadly, it's not. I got married nine months ago, and I'm telling you, life is just as up and down as ever.

I still deal with significant family issues. I still wake up cranky. I still stress about money, relationships, and my job. And, since getting married, I worry for two people, not to mention the sacrifices of time, comfort, and habit made for my relationship's sake. And dealing closely with someone else's sin on top of my own - yeesh. In some ways, life is easier, but in others, it's even harder.

Marriage has added wonderful things to my life. But it definitely isn't perfect.

So I want to write this almost as a love letter to single Christian women who may hold to this belief, consciously or not, to reassure you that God is just as much with you now as he would be if you got married. And I want this to reassure married Christian women, too–if life isn't perfect, it's not because you're doing anything wrong. It's just that marriage wasn't intended to fix anything in the first place.

Here are three ways I thought marriage would fix my life, but what really happened instead:

1. I thought marriage meant I would be perfectly loved, but my husband is not God.

I'm half embarrassed to say, but also half proud, that it took me 7.5 months of being married to my husband to realize that he's just a man. Embarrassed because, well, duh–but proud because I could have seen myself going an entire lifetime with unrealistic expectations.

When you're dating, the ooey gooey feelings of being pursued feels so incredibly amazing that you think nobody could ever love you as perfectly. You think this feeling is going to last forever. And you think marriage will be just like dating, only the mushy gushy affection your boyfriend gives you will be 24/7, 365 days a year.

At least, that's how I felt. But when these feelings are left unchecked, it leads to idolatry because you're much less reliant on God's perfect love for you.

I think God has a lot of grace for us women at this time–after all, he knows what masculine affection can do for our hearts, and it's not a bad thing! Plus, marriage is something God wants for his people, and you have to be pretty obsessed with someone to agree to legally bind yourself to them for the rest of your life, which wouldn't happen without the ooey gooey, and mushy gushy.

But, the honeymoon phase inevitably comes to an end. And if you are relying on your husband to meet every one of your heart's needs, you will end up disappointed and bitter. (Speaking from experience, here).

My husband loves me so well. He listens to me when I'm processing big emotions, picks up the slack at home when I'm busy with work, and makes me laugh all the time, which are all beautiful things.

But you know what God has done for me? He's prepared a room just for me in HEAVEN. He sent his son to die so I would never be apart from him. He led me to my job, home, friends, mentors, and favorite hobbies. He never leaves me.

Psalm 139:1-3 quite frankly makes what my husband can do for me look like chump change:

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me."

A husband's love is meant to be a reflection of God's love–not a replacement. So if you find yourself thinking, "Oh, if only I could be loved…." I'd encourage you to go to the Bible and see how perfectly, incessantly, and wildly you are loved by El Shaddai, the Beginning and the End, your perfect Creator, Father, and Husband.

And rely on his love more than anything.

2. I thought marriage meant I was fully mature, but it exposes all the ways I'm not.

Oh, how physically uncomfortable I am, as I admit this. As I've said, marriage in pop culture is touted as the end-all-be-all, and marriage in the Church is treated like a badge of honor. If you are spiritually mature enough to marry, you're really somebody. But marriage exposes your character like nothing else can. There's no room to hide, and if you do, then the ugliness just comes out in other ways.

I fought tooth and nail to have a healthy dating relationship. Coming from a family with a broken marriage, I felt like I did everything in my power to ensure my relationship with my then-boyfriend was nothing like theirs. I initiated talks about communication, boundaries, and needs. I made sure we weren't codependent. I stopped myself from raising my voice. We worked out our conflicts with patience, advice, and calm words. So when we got married, I thought it would be a cakewalk. But oh my goodness, has my character been uncovered like an exposed wire in a puddle.

Instead of having days to myself to process a conflict with my husband like we did when we were dating, my anger, pride, resentment, and selfishness are as obvious to my husband as the nose on my face. If I'm upset about something, he can tell. If I feel guilty about something, he can tell. He can tell if I accidentally only bring myself a fork to the table for the 100th time, and it may-or-may-not-actually-reveal-that-I'm-only-concerned-about-my-needs-and-not-his. Marriage brings it all out.

Of course, this is a good thing! Proverbs 28:13 says, "Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy." Exposure is a gift, and it causes us to grow.

I'm so grateful for how my character is being refined. But if you think that marriage will look like the last 60 seconds of Cinderella played over and over, I'll just tell you, Cinderella has it coming. Exposure is a gift, and it's painful.

So if you're still single, rejoice in the space you have to process and grow without someone else's sin added to the mix. And if you're married and experiencing these growing pains, just know that it's not because you're doing anything wrong–it's because God designed it right!

3. I thought marriage meant a stress-free life, but the stress is just different.

My husband famously once told one of our friends, "Marriage doesn't solve all of your problems. In fact, you marry one of your problems." He was right.

Dealing with someone else's sin on top of your own is not a fun job. And although my husband and I lovingly share each other's burdens, we share each other's burdens. If he has a stressful day at work, it affects me, and vice versa. If he receives a random medical bill from 2017 in the mail for thousands of dollars out of absolutely nowhere, then so do I (yes, this actually happened).

You gain so much in marriage, but you also lose so much. I don't have to worry about spending nights alone anymore, but I also get much less alone time which I enjoy. I don't have to worry about companionship in general, but I also get much less quality time with my girlfriends. I don't have to worry about paying my bills alone, but now I have someone else's bills to pay.

I mistakenly thought that getting married guaranteed an endless stream of happy days. No longer would I worry about what to cook for dinner that night because I was so in love. No longer would I stress about money because I had the love of my life. No longer would the little things bother me because I'd always be on cloud 9.

As much as my husband adores me, I still have several nights a week when I have to open up the fridge and rummage for something edible to throw together. And this time, it's for two people.

It is actually really precious to me to reflect on how I thought a much less stressful life would have been because I was loved – because maybe there is something to this! I don't think our lives can be that radically changed because of our spouse's love, but perhaps it can be because of God's love.

Knowing we are deeply loved should affect how much we worry and stress and let little things bother us. And so, hopefully, our spouse's love is a reflection of that dynamic.

But for all the ways their love isn't the magic wand that erases traffic, world news, or bad hair days, AND for all the ways that living so closely with another imperfect being causes its own stress, God's love is there. And God's love is there for you whether or not you have this particular relationship in your life.

So next time you find your thoughts wandering to "If only I was married…" or to "Am I doing this thing right?" just remember that nothing this side of heaven is perfect. But God uses every aspect of our lives to love us anyways.

The views expressed in this commentary do not necessarily reflect those of CrosswalkHeadlines.

Kelly-Jayne McGlynn is a former editor at Crosswalk.com. She sees the act of expression, whether through writing or art, as a way to co-create with God and experience him deeper. Check out her handmade earrings on Instagram and her website for more of her thoughts on connecting with God through creative endeavors.