Is it Okay for Spouses to Have Friends of the Opposite Gender?
- Katie T. Kennedy Contributing Writer
- Updated Feb 13, 2024
Is it acceptable for you or your spouse to have friends of the opposite gender? Does that open potential problems, or is it totally acceptable? Sometimes, when we start thinking about a topic and viewing it in a different light, we realize it's more complicated than we think.
Temptation
Temptation is real, and it's a serious reality for Christians today. If you don't take Satan and his temptation seriously, you are setting yourself up for trouble. How do I know this? Let's look at our Savior Jesus. After He was baptized, He went "into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil" (Matthew 4:1). Of course, Jesus resisted all of Satan's attempts and responded with Scripture.
I would like to say that we would respond similarly, but we are a lot more likely to fall (recall Adam and Eve). We are broken people in a broken world. As we continue our Christian journey, we are growing and being sanctified. The closer we draw to Christ, the more Satan wants to divert us. The more we are doing His work, the greater threat we are to Satan.
How can having an innocent relationship be harmful? Satan wants nothing more than to break apart the Christian family. Where does all the teaching, growing, sanctification, love, support, and encouragement happen? In the family. The family is a beautiful creation made by our Creator. A Christian family is a threat to Satan, and he wants nothing more than to break it apart.
Satan doesn't come in blasting things up. He works in the tiny cracks, the little open spaces you are probably unaware of. He gets in those fractures and makes them bigger, a little at a time. He is so subtle and gradual that you don't even notice. He's tricky, conniving, and wants nothing more than to break up your marriage and family.
So, how is an innocent friendship going to spiral out of control? Let's discuss.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/nd3000
Friendships
We all acknowledge that friendships are important. Jesus had His disciples, David had Jonathan, and Ruth had Naomi. You get the picture. Friends play an essential role in your life and you in theirs. The question at hand is, is it ok to have friends of the opposite gender?
First, I think it's cordial and respectable to be kind to the opposite gender. If you are at a social event or hosting, there is nothing wrong with intermingling with the opposite sex. The days of women on one side of the room and men on the other are over.
What we are discussing here is more involved. It's beyond just cordial social banter. We are talking about texting, phone calls, and maybe even outings. If you are married, is it appropriate to have these interactions with the opposite sex?
When we were younger, our friends were usually the people we went to school with, or they lived in our neighborhood. It was a friendship of convenience. When you are an adult, you get to choose your friends. Who you spend time with matters. You are influenced by the people you surround yourself with, good or bad. We tell our kids to make wise friend decisions, and adults need to do the same.
When texting, calling, and engaging a friend in conversation, you seek their opinion and share details of your life and vice versa. If you confide in this person, you have gone beyond mere acquaintances. You are sharing a level of intimacy that you don't do with just anyone.
If you are sharing details about your life with a friend of the opposite gender, you may be withholding that information from your own spouse, which could mean trouble. Our spouses should be our best friends. They are the ones we made a covenant with in front of God and others.
Marriage
Marriage is a covenant to be revered and taken seriously. Sadly, the world does not honor marriage as much as it should. Outside of your relationship with your Heavenly Father, your marriage is the most important relationship in your life. God created marriage, and there are wonderful blessings when you stay inside his design. A Christian marriage where both spouses are humbly and actively pursuing their faith together is a tremendous gift.
Marriage takes work and effort. Satan can use anything to interfere and compromise your marriage. While a friendship with the opposite gender may be innocent, it's another way Satan can penetrate your cracks.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm." (Ephesians 6:12)
If a friendship with the opposite gender causes us to compare them against our spouse, causes tension with our husband/wife, or takes away time we would be spending with our spouse, is it worth it?
Maybe you have a close friend from childhood of the opposite sex. I'm not saying you can't ever interact with them. If that relationship is being fed at the expense of your marriage, though, it will not turn out well for anyone.
The Christian marriage divorce rate might be slightly better than the rest of society, but the numbers are still dreadfully high. We need to be doing things differently than society if we desire a different result. Society views marriage carelessly; if it doesn't work out, throw in the towel and start again. As Christians, we know this is blasphemy. We must take our marriage commitments with the seriousness God intended.
RELATED PODCAST:
Putting Up Safe Boundaries
I remember listening to a Focus on the Family broadcast years ago. They discussed marriages and some of the guardrails they established to safeguard their marriage. A male and female staff member do not travel in the same car with the opposite sex. They travel separately, even if the two are headed to the same location. One staff member stated he does not share a meal at a restaurant alone with a woman other than his wife. Why? They are protecting their marriages.
When I first heard this, I contemplated this idea. I couldn't decide if I thought this was extreme and unnecessary or really wise. It led to discussions with my husband about what boundaries we should instill to protect our marriage.
It is wise to set safe boundaries in your life to protect yourself, your marriage, and your family. Communication is key. Have a conversation with your spouse about what they are comfortable with. Are there concerns that need to be addressed? The more vulnerable you can be with each other, the more likely you will find the cracks and get them patched up before they become a major pothole.
While texting with the opposite sex might seem innocent, you don't know the other person's intentions. Maybe their marriage isn't going well, and they are leaning on you for support.
As I reflect upon the healthy marriages in our congregation, they haven't stayed married all these years because marriage is easy. They have strong, healthy marriages because they work at it and take their marriage covenant seriously. They pursue God with intention, knowing He will keep them on the straight path.
Wisdom
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Krisanapong Detraphiphat
Every situation will be different. Every marriage is unique. No one can prescribe the perfect plan for every scenario. You must use wisdom and discernment to decide about your boundaries and each situation you encounter.
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. For through wisdom your days will be many, and years will be added to your life. If you are wise, your wisdom will reward you; if you are a mocker, you alone will suffer." (Proverbs 9:10-12)
When you seek God, pray for wisdom and discernment. Pray for a strong, solid marriage. Ask your Heavenly Father to protect your marriage and expose any cracks that need to be addressed. Don't be afraid to make changes; your marriage is too precious to be compromised.
God has good plans for your marriage. Is your marriage going to be perfect? Of course not; no one has a perfect marriage. Work on it. Take your decisions and thoughts to God and pray with your spouse. Work on that relationship instead of spending time with others. God gave you a conscience. I tell my kids to listen to that inner voice telling them when something is off or wrong. I want them to listen to their intuition. Deep down inside, you usually know when you are on the wrong track.
As adults, we must strive for a clear conscience. If we know something is wrong, rather than ignore those warning feelings inside, make a change. Choose the health of your marriage and put your family first.
God, your spouse, and yourself are the only ones who can determine if a friendship with the opposite gender is appropriate. Just know you are tinkering in dangerous territory. Is it worth it?
Reflect on your marriage and make sure you are giving it the proper priority. Having a solid, healthy marriage is more important and fruitful than a good friendship with the opposite gender. We have all heard the stories of couples getting divorced because one of them found someone else that paid them more attention. Don't be part of the wrong statistics. Be part of a Christian community that knows the value of a marriage grounded in the faith, pursuing God.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/DigitalVision
