Now That I'm Married, Let's Talk about How the Church Treats Singleness

This is an article topic I have sat on for four years. Two years before, I’d met my now-husband (who contributed to this piece). This is an article that I worry other married Christians will probably ignore. After all, we all value comfort in the church. We value the status quo. We value the hierarchies we’ve built—which, unfortunately, don’t have room for every Christian: the single Christians.

But this is an article I’m hoping my married Christians will read carefully and prayerfully, considering whether it convicts them.

I’m also hoping that some readers will appreciate the irony. I’ve been in many settings where only “married people” were allowed to speak on most topics—except children if they didn’t have a family yet. Perhaps as a result, all the previous articles I wrote on this topic during my single years fell on deaf ears. So, now that I am married, my spouse and I are using our newfound authority to speak on behalf of our hurt brothers and sisters in the single community.

In today’s article, we’ll explain the value of marriage and why ignoring the full vision of singleness and marriage can alienate a significant population of believers.

How Does the Church Treat Singles?

The global church has valued singles throughout our history. Medieval nuns and monks were more valued and respected during the Middle Ages than their married counterparts. Paul and Jesus were both single and advocated for singleness when possible. None of the disciples, except Peter, had a wife mentioned in the Bible. We know Peter had a wife because he had a mother-in-law.

This was the norm, by and large … until the twentieth century when most Western countries experienced a big shift. New discussions about women’s roles and freedom left many churches worried about the nuclear family’s place. As a result, many churches (particularly in the American evangelical sphere) doubled down on the importance of marriage and family. Sadly, that shift also shoved singles and childless couples to the sidelines.

As Marshal Segel wrote for Crosswalk.com, “Church can be a difficult place for singles.” They are often unseen, unappreciated, and downright marginalized. Many times, other Christians don’t befriend them. They’re called complainers when they explain the dating world’s frustrations. They aren’t allowed to contribute to many church discussions. Frequently, they get infantilized and treated as less mature, like they have less to offer. Every single person in your church has a story of this. Ask them. They will tell it. I have ample stories on how I was excluded until I found my husband. There was a clear, marked difference in how others treated me the moment I had been “locked down” and fit into people’s preferred categories.

So, why do too many churches cultivate a false dichotomy between “good folks” (married couples” and “bad folks” (single folks)?

Why the Church Values Marriage

We need to remember that marriage is a gift from God to the church, but also something else: a sacrament. In the high churches of Christianity, a sacrament is defined as an outward sign of inward grace. We see this in the book of Genesis 1, where God creates Eve from Adam for both of them to:

• uniquely love one another.
• leave their parent’s home to become one flesh.
• bring children into the world.

Later in Matthew 19, Jesus reaffirms marriage between one man and one woman by quoting Genesis word-for-word.

From Adam and Eve to ancient Israel and the Church, God's followers have always valued marriage. Sometimes, this value shocked people. During the Roman Empire, thinking about spouses loving each other the way Christ and the Apostles called them to was controversial. As my husband Trey observed in an article for Crosswalk.com:

“To the pagan world, getting married out of love, regardless of class, out of love for God, was unheard of. So, when Paul emphasized loving your wives, he made a radical statement—especially since Roman men usually had several mistresses, seeing their wives as only useful for bearing children. Paul makes it very clear in reinstating what God ordained: marriage was between one wife and one husband, nothing more and nothing less.”

We returning to a time when the Christian sexual ethic seems countercultural. As most Western countries have become post-Christian, our culture often resembles pagan Rome: a heavy emphasis on having any partner (or multiple partners), supporting promiscuity, and disregarding marriage and commitment except for purely legal reasons. Lila Rose from Live Action highlights why this is a bigger shift than we realize:

“When we talk today about the sexual revolution, we usually refer to the radical change in sexual values that took place in the mid-20th Century. But this was not the first sexual revolution and it wasn’t even the most radical. In fact, another far more massive sexual revolution occurred nearly 2,000 years earlier when Christianity took root in the first Century A.D. and prompted a complete overhaul of the sexual ethics of the dominant superpower of the day: the Roman Empire.”

I encourage you to watch the rest of her YouTube documentary on this topic because it is fascinating.

So, Christianity has always valued marriage, even amid the world trying to silence it. This happened then, and this is happening now.

Marriage is a beautiful gift from God and should be emphasized as important. This leaves us with the question: What about those still single or choosing to remain celibate (single for life)? Do we not give them as much value?

Why the Church Doesn’t Value Singles Enough

The church valued single Christians for a long time—for most of its 2,000-year history. Paul talked in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 about the gift of celibacy giving people strength while married couples often have divided interests—i.e., unable to keep up with missions work as much as their single counterparts.

So, what went wrong?

On a very broad level, what happened in the Western church, particularly in America, was the women’s liberation movement. American churches reacted against the feminism of the 1960s-1970s in various ways, which led to 1980s books about reclaiming the nuclear family. The 1980s also saw the rise of books on biblical manhood or biblical womanhood, which usually emphasized that men and women had to follow strictly defined roles—i.e., get married, women stay at home, and men go to work.

The shift generated problems that many churches have dealt with ever since.

For one thing, the conversation about biblical womanhood often forgets the many biblical figures who didn’t marry or who didn’t fit our modern gender stereotypes—women like Esther, Ruth, Mary, Priscilla, Phoebe, Lydia, etc.

The shift to putting marriage and the nuclear family on a pedestal also affected how many churches viewed anyone who didn’t fit those categories—people without families or spouses too often become second-class citizens. Single people didn’t fit well in the culture war against feminism. When a church’s poster children are nuclear families thriving in a world against family, Christians without families or plans to start families don’t fit well on the poster.

Especially when it came to women. Church leaders often understand when single men pursue celibacy for ministry. Sure, they often don’t get to speak in men’s discussion groups, but they’re far more tolerated than women. Far too often, single women are seen as rebellious, fighting their calling as mothers and loving wives to “meet the needs” of their future husbands.

I’m not advocating that we dissolve marriage and family—far be it from us to destroy godly institutions. I do advocate that we consider whether we have idolized marriage and family in God’s place. We are not called to create prideful hierarchies that put some people on top—in fact, we should remember that pride is what got Satan in trouble. We are called to be a united church with many members with many different roles. When we aren’t doing that, we are called to recognize we have made mistakes that cause people to walk away from the church.

So, how do we step back from pride?

Why the Church Should Value Singles

First and foremost, we can change things by developing a longer view of church history. From the first generation of Christians onward, many important church members were single and greatly contributed to the faith.

1. Julian of Norwich received visions from Christ and spoke deeply to other monastery sisters and her community.
2. Joan of Arc had great conviction and faith and led the French Army to victory during the 100 Years’ War after receiving a vision of God.
3. Hildegard of Bingen was not only a monastery abbess but also a theologian, philosopher, and one of the medieval era’s best-known composers.

We shouldn’t forget the single men who did great ministry, either.

1. Paul was single and encouraged singleness.
2. Many early church fathers were single, like Clement of Rome, Ignatius of Antioch, Benedict of Nursia, and Polycarp of Smyrna. These fathers contributed greatly to the faith by writing creeds, holding meetings that determined scripture’s canonization, and debunking heretics.
3. In the medieval era, Thomas Aquinas wrote theology and apologetics that many Christians use today.
4. More recently, there have been men like Maximilian Kolbe, a twentieth-century Catholic who took the place of a prisoner in the Nazi concentration camps.

The church has always had single people. With recent exceptions, it has always encouraged people to remain single when their calling is from God. However, they may not have contributed to Christianity by raising children. They have contributed to spreading the Gospel, loving God with their hearts, minds, and strengths, and even sacrificing themselves for others as Christ did for us on the cross.

Marriage is not for everyone, and it was never intended to be for everyone. While marriage is important and a sacrament of the church, there is room for single people. We must make room for them, especially their callings, talents, and contributions.

4 Ways You Can Help Singles in Your Church

So, where do we go from here? How can we start to mend these significant wounds caused in recent church history?

1. Listen. When I was single, my biggest frustration was that my cries about injustices fell on extremely deaf ears. I experienced a lot of spiritual bypassing—people quickly shrugged off my words with pithy phrases. Or blamed me for wrongs I hadn’t committed (“If you know how to cook, a man would want to marry you”). No, I’m not exaggerating. Listen to singles in your church, and you’ll hear similar stories about being ignored or treated flippantly. Don’t offer simple solutions to a complicated world. Understand that dating is more complicated than before, and many singles feel like they’re drowning. You can help them simply by empathizing.

2. Create space. Churches teem with marriage groups, sermons full of examples about marriage, and marriage ministries. You’d be hard-pressed to find anything for singles beyond a college group in your community. Churches need to cultivate groups for single young adults, not just for young families and couples. Yes, it can be enticing to put the most resources into young families because they tend to contribute more financially (more donations to children’s ministries, more resources to family nights and food drives, etc.) to the church. However, the money shouldn’t determine how we build church resources. Consider that the early church opened its doors to all people, regardless of their marketing potential.

3. Provide. We don’t discuss this much, but many singles struggle with rising job markets and living costs. Married Christians, particularly ones with dual income, tend to thrive, while single Christians may be fighting to avoid homelessness. If you have the means, seek ways to help out in your community. The Book of Acts provides an excellent example of providing. It can be as simple as inviting single people over for a meal. Single Christians have a very hard time finding connections. You could be the bridge.

4. Value. Paul calls celibacy a gift. We should treat it as such. Single Christians have much to offer in churches. They have undivided attention, time, talent, and resources. But they won’t give it if an institution continually wounds them. Who wants to help after being hurt so many times? See their value, express it to them, and offer them a space to use their gifts and talents in your church.

Photo Credit:©GettyImages/nicoletaionescu

Hope Bolinger is an acquisitions editor at End Game Press, book editor for hire, and the author of almost 30 books. More than 1500 of her works have been featured in various publications. Check out her books at hopebolinger.com for clean books in most genres, great for adults and kids. Check out her editing profile at Reedsy.com to find out about hiring her for your next book project.