Signs of Emotional Abuse and How to Escape
- Keren Kanyago Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
- Updated Oct 10, 2022
Jake had fallen head over heels with Nancy, and they were engaged to be married. However, as their wedding day edged close, tight knots formed in Jake's stomach. Something about spending the rest of his life with Nancy scared him witless. It bothered him that she was constantly nitpicking on his mistakes, making him feel awful about himself.
At work, she phoned him incessantly, leaving his colleagues bewildered. What's more, she constantly begged him to ditch his job, promising that she would get him a "better job" in her father's company where she worked. That way, they would spend every waking moment together. Jake felt like a puppy on Nancy's leash. Unknown to him, he was suffering from emotional abuse.
What Is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse occurs when someone close to you uses non-physical harmful behavior to manipulate your emotions. Their ill behavior may cause you to feel frightened, embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, or unworthy. Psychologists suggest that emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. But unlike physical abuse, where your family, friends, or colleagues can spot a black eye or fractured arm, emotional abuse wreaks havoc on your emotions.
In the long run, this emotional turmoil chips away your self-worth and confidence. You may also lose grip on your sense of independence and relinquish control of your life to your abuser. Ultimately, some victims of emotional abuse even start doubting their sanity and perception of life. Emotional abuse can trigger mental health problems such as depression and anxiety. It can also trigger physical ailments such as eating disorders, stomach ulcers, and sleep disorders.
Emotional abuse can be done by your romantic partner, a family member, a co-worker, or a friend. Here are six signs of emotional abuse.
1. Emotional Blackmail
This is when someone deliberately triggers certain feelings in you to manipulate your behavior. They may say something that may ignite fear or uncertainty in you, causing you to behave in a way that benefits them. For instance, it's your off day, and you've had a restful day at home. You plan to wind up the evening by watching a movie alongside your spouse, who is laboring away at work. In the evening, your spouse hurtles back home tired to the bone. All they want is to take a warm bath and hit the sack.
But instead of empathizing with them, you decide to coerce them to watch the movie with you. "You never make any sacrifices for me; am I not important to you?" you whine. Saying this to your spouse is trying to blackmail them emotionally. If they agree to stay up with you, it's not because that's what they genuinely want to do. They are just afraid of having you think they don't care about you. You may have succeeded in getting them to watch the movie with you, but in the same breath, you are wreaking havoc on them emotionally.
2. Unrealistic Expectations
We are all human, and each of us has flaws. Your parents, spouse, friends, children, and colleagues will all fall short of your expectations at one point in your interaction with them. That's a guarantee. God is the only one who never falls short. In fact, our human fallen nature is so flimsy that it would not be impossible for a mother to forget her suckling child (Isaiah 49:15). No wonder the scriptures expressly state that whoever trusts in man and makes flesh his strength is cursed (Jeremiah 17:5).
Another sign of emotional abuse is when someone demands perfection from you. For instance, a parent may demand that their child should never get into trouble in school. Or a spouse may expect that their partner should never be in a gloomy mood or feel discouraged. Putting undue pressure on another (flawed) human being emotionally abuses them.
3. Unpredictability
People who abuse others emotionally tend to be unpredictable. You can never really tell how things will pan out with them. They also tend to have erratic mood swings. Perhaps you talked with them in the morning, and they were upbeat and positive. You check in on them later during the day, and to your bewilderment, they are writhing in despair. And that's not because something terrible happened to them. But their feelings have a way of swinging to different extremes. This can be extremely confusing for the victim, who may spend their lives walking on eggshells, careful not to ruffle their feathers.
4. Emotional Neglect
This is when someone constantly ignores, invalidates, or refuses to acknowledge another person's emotional/affectionate needs. For example, a parent may deprive their young child of attention and affection. This may, in turn, cause the child to have developmental delays, low self-esteem, and many other emotional disorders.
In a relationship, emotional neglect may happen when one of the spouses becomes self-centered or gets emotional fulfillment from someone else. On other occasions, a spouse may use silent treatment to manipulate their partner. Their spouse may be compelled to bend over backward in order to win them back. Emotional neglect is a full-fledged form of emotional abuse.
5. Controlling
Betty often felt like a puppet in the hands of her husband, Jake. He kept an eye on all her movements and actions. She could only meet with the friends he approved and visit the places he allowed. He always dominated their conversations and trashed her opinions. He would also blame her for everything that went wrong. What's more, he even dictated how she spent her money, making her account for any withdrawal in her bank account. Jake was abusing his wife emotionally.
Nobody likes to be controlled. Even toddlers are constantly lobbying for their independence. That's why they throw tantrums in the first place. In many cases, people who enjoy controlling others suffer from an anxiety disorder, making them want to be in charge of everything. They may also harbor various insecurities which make them want to call the shots. They tend to isolate their victims from people who care about them, like friends and family, so they can effectively pull the strings.
As a result, the victim loses their sense of independence and self-worth. It also hampers their decision-making skills and may plunge them into depression.
6. Always Spoiling for a Fight
Emotionally abusive people are always spoiling for a fight. They will start arguments just for the fun of it. They will never accommodate a different point of view from their own. They will always take an opposing side. None of the mistakes you make are allowed to slide. Living with someone always on the offensive can be very exasperating.
How to Wiggle Out of Emotional Abuse
God's will is not for His children to go through emotional abuse. Jesus taught that the greatest commandment is to love God with all our hearts, souls, and mind. The second greatest commandment is like the first - to love your neighbor as yourself. (Mathew 22:37-39). God is concerned about how we treat His people.
Paul urged the Ephesian church to be kind to one another, tenderhearted, and forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave them (Ephesians 4:32). God disapproves of emotional abuse. Here are three things to help you escape emotional abuse.
1. Rediscover Your Worth through Scripture
It's easy for your self-worth to fly out the window when you suffer emotional abuse. Emotional abuse strips you of your confidence, independence, and joy. It makes you anxious, confused, disoriented, and even helpless. It can raze your identity to the ground. You, therefore, need to rediscover your worth in God by soaking in His Word.
As you soak in the scriptures, the doubts and self-loathing will dissipate. You will discover that you are precious and honored in God's eyes. (Isaiah 43:4). You will be reminded that you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, and God's own (1 Peter 2:9). Do not allow your abuser to define you. Instead, find out what God says about you in His Word.
2. Create Boundaries
Your abuser needs to know that they don't own you and are not allowed to wreak havoc on your life. Calmly but firmly outline your boundaries. Vocalize how you expect them to treat you and outline what you will not allow them to do to you. Be consistent in demanding that they treat you right.
3. Enlist Help
God often uses the people around us to yank us out of trouble. Reach out to friends, family, a pastor, or a counselor. You can also join a support group where you interact with people who are either going through or have gone through similar experiences. They help you feel less lonely and offer a safe environment where you can talk without feeling judged.
Related Articles:
4 Effects of Emotional Abuse and 5 Ways to Heal
4 Signs You Have an Emotionally Abusive Husband
5 Prayers for Healing from Emotional Abuse
Are You a Victim of Emotional Abuse?
Related Resource:
Author and speaker Kia Stephens has a mission to help women who grew up without the love and affirmation of their biological father. In her FREE podcast, Hope for Women with Father Wounds, Kia provides encouragement, healing and practical wisdom for these often-overlooked women. Listen to her episode with Stasi Eldredge by clicking the play button below:
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Marjan Apostolovic
Video credit: ©iBelieve
