5 Ways Screens Can Destroy a Marriage

1. Phubbing

Phubbing is a term used to describe the person you are with snubbing you by giving their attention to their phone instead of you. We've all seen a couple out to dinner together, and one or both of them have their heads buried in their phones. While we shouldn't assume a couple has an unhappy marriage when we see this happening, we should all be mindful of the potential for disconnection in our own marriages when this becomes the norm.

Being an ongoing student of your spouse is vital for a healthy, thriving marriage. If you find that you're more interested in scrolling on social media, reading the headlines, or checking scores than interacting with your spouse, there's a problem - a problem that, if left unchecked, could lead to destruction. When you're with your spouse, be with your spouse. Limit all other interactions.

2. Dollar Signs

One of the top things couples fight about is money; believe it or not, screens can add to this already touchy subject. How much to spend on devices and apps can be a source of tension, yet that only scratches the surface.

Many are finding it harder and harder to resist online gambling, making risky stock trades, and racking up debt due to online gaming. The shock of discovering that your spouse has compromised your financial situation due to these habits can be devastating.

An easy way to avoid this is to budget "play money." Agree upon an amount that can be used for this type of entertainment, and then use self-discipline to stop when the money is gone. While exercising self-control in this area can be difficult, you'll never be sorry for building trust with your spouse when it comes to being good stewards of your money.

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Delmaine Donson

3. Extra Marital Validation

Society has trained us to assess our worth by the number of followers we have on social media. We feel heard and validated when our followers like our posts and engage with like-minded comments. Sadly, for many, this form of validation has become far more fulfilling than validation from their spouse.

When this happens, the natural temptation is to nurture online relationships that give a sense of purpose. And how do we nurture relationships? We pour as much time into them as possible - which consequently leads to less and less nurturing in the marriage.

First and foremost, we should find our identity in Christ and our validation in the sacrifice he made for us. Secondly, nurture the covenant you made with your spouse. Let your love and devotion to the Lord and one another fill your cup.

4. Communication Fails

A consistent theme my husband and I have seen in the counseling room is couples communicating by text, even while in the same house. I'm not talking about a quick text that says, "Hey, please bring me some toilet paper." I'm talking about a man and woman under the same roof, staying in separate rooms, and having significant arguments over text.

A lie our culture has taught us is that it's acceptable to say exactly what you're thinking to another person in digital form, with absolutely no regard for their feelings. This destructive trend has infiltrated many marriages and has left couples texting one another with the unfiltered carelessness of social media.

We've all heard that 90% of communication is nonverbal. Your spouse, who you are covenanted to before the Lord, deserves more than the 10% represented through texting. Let your spouse hear your tone, see your face, and hear how the words come out of your mouth. I'm willing to bet if you could hear the words you're typing coming out of your mouth, the words would change.

5. Technoferance

Most of our lives are fast-paced, and our schedules are overloaded. We look forward to downtime at the end of the day, but we also want to spend time with our spouse. This might look like a quiet dinner, cuddling up for a movie, or simply talking and catching each other up on the day's events.

Now imagine settling in for a quiet dinner, and your phone rings. You answer, leaving your spouse to sit and eat alone. You're still physically at the table but are no longer emotionally available. Imagine cuddling up for a movie, but you repeatedly reach for your phone to check your notifications. What about answering texts while your spouse is telling you about their day?

Unless you're responding to an emergency, what you're communicating in these scenarios, whether intentional or not, is that you value these outside connections more than you value your spouse and the connection they are trying to have with you. A simple fix is to schedule uninterrupted time with your spouse. Silence your phones when you're having downtime as a couple. All your texts, calls, and notifications will be there later.

If you don't think you're guilty of these examples, I would encourage you to ask your spouse what they think. Ask them to read this article and give you honest feedback on if and how your screen time negatively affects your marriage. It's possible you don't struggle in this area, but it's also possible that you do, and you just don't realize it.

It may be that you wish your spouse would read this article because it's their screen time that negatively affects your marriage. If that's the case, don't share this with them and hope they get the hint. Instead, live out Matthew 7:3-5.

'Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

Take care of your own heart first. Humbly ask your spouse to assess your screen time and work to make changes if changes are needed. Then approach your spouse if they need to make changes too. Remember that we all have blind spots, and our spouse is the perfect person to help us see them.