5 Ways to Better Appreciate Your Spouse
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- Published Feb 02, 2024
We need to learn to appreciate our spouse better. With marriage comes the responsibility to maintain a home and family together. Nurturing a space, a set of people, and creating a life together is hard work. Sometimes, the ways we contribute to this calling can look vastly different, but different doesn’t mean one is less valuable than another.
I am primarily a stay-at-home mom who cares for and homeschools our five kids. Over the years, I’ve often lamented that the role I have been given in our house is a difficult and most often overlooked one. I still believe this is true; stay-at-home parents are often misunderstood by our culture and often taken for granted, as this is in no way a prestigious role.
Yet, recently I was convicted because I realized my tendency to think about how hard my life is has made it tough for me to properly appreciate the ways my husband sacrifices for our family. Most days, I’m envious of his quiet commute, daily interaction with adults, his paycheck, and his sense of accomplishment as he makes measurable strides in his career.
1. Let Go of Envy
Envy is ugly and always steals from our joy.
My envy has stolen my ability to see my husband clearly. I’ve overlooked the burden of stress he carries as he works hard to provide for us or how he comes home from a long day and jumps straight into playing with, feeding, and engaging our children. I failed to appreciate the thoughtful work he’s put into improving our home and how he is in charge of taking out the trash for me. I’ve underappreciated his ability to bring laughter into our home when I’m busy feeling overwhelmed. I take for granted the many hobbies he’s had to put on the back burner because our kids require so much of us and so much more.
2. Create a Culture of Appreciation
What is needed is not a comparison chart of ‘who has it worse’ in our homes but a culture of appreciation for how we together are mindfully sowing into our families. Each of us needs to be seen and loved by our partners. We may never know of all our partner really giving up for the sake of your home because you have different callings and roles, but we can make sure that they know that their presence is appreciated.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” As a spouse, co-parent, partner, and friend, we must take this verse to heart. It’s our primary role to be a source of encouragement to our life partners because that’s what love does.
This looks like not keeping a record of wrongs against our partner, being patient when we disagree, humbly considering others better than ourselves, being slow to anger, quick to listen, controlling our mouth, and expressing gratitude often. It’s not easy to live this out, but if we just attempt to do some of these things, the culture of our homes is sure to improve!
3. Commit to Honesty When You Feel Unappreciated
It is so easy for bitterness, resentment, and feelings of frustration to grow in our marriages. There are times when we need to honestly share how we are doing in order to be able to feel connected again to our husbands or wives. Undealt with resentment only grows. We can’t honestly approach our spouse with encouragement and gratitude when we are harboring feelings of hurt in our hearts.
A strong commitment to creating space for honest and open communication is vital to a healthy marriage. Before sharing, agree to specific boundaries for this kind of communication to help make sure you avoid escalating conflict. If tension has filled all the open space in your home, invest in inviting a trusted mentor, counselor, or pastor into the conversation in order to help peacefully move your relationship towards healing.
4. Notice the Small Things
We don’t have to wait for the big things to say thanks. Taking time to notice the small, sometimes seemingly insignificant things your spouse does during the day to care for your family can be a powerful act of love in your marriage. Let them know you love their cooking, appreciate their willingness to run by the grocery store, or patiently get the kids ready for bed.
Things we have to do every day in order to keep our families well cared for can become exhausting. Knowing you are seen, loved, and appreciated by your husband or wife goes a long way in lifting your spirits when you start to feel weary. Celebrate often the ways your selfless service for each other is a gift.
5. Protect Their Ability to Care for Themselves
We all need opportunities to recharge. Self-care is vital to a healthy family and marriage. When we become exhausted, impatient, depleted, and discouraged it’s impossible for us to serve our families well. You are there to help see your spouse and encourage them to protect the time and spaces that they need to best care for themselves.
What is it that they love to do for fun? What practices will promote health in their minds and bodies? How do they best recharge? If you don’t already know, ask your spouse to share what self-care looks like for them. Work with them to build time in your schedule for self-care. This is a wonderful way to let your partner know that you see their hard work and recognize that they need rest in order to continue to serve your family well.
We read in Ephesians 5:31-32 that in marriage, we are called to become one flesh. That means that your partner needs your encouragement because their work is a part of your work. Your lives are connected in every way imaginable, and the truth is that you need to be a team in order to build the life you want together. It’s time to intentionally begin to create a space where you each feel loved, seen, appreciated, and encouraged. Set aside comparison, begin to express more gratitude, be honest with each other, and help protect each other's need for self-care.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes
