What Is "Gray Divorce" and Why Is it Happening?

The Gray Divorce: What Is Happening?

“Laura, my 66-year-old mom just told me that she and my dad are getting divorced. I’m in shock. They have been married for thirty-nine years. Why? What are they thinking?”

This daughter can’t fathom her parents getting divorced in their senior years. However, it’s not that atypical. Baby Boomer couples are divorcing at astounding rates.

“Research has found that boomers — those born between 1946 and 1964 — are divorcing more than any other generation. A new analysis of divorce data from 1990 to 2021 released in July by Bowling Green State University’s National Center for Family and Marriage Research found that divorce rates for those aged 45 and over rose during that period, while rates dropped for those younger than 45. The most significant increase in divorce rates was among people 65 and older: The rate tripled from 1990 to 2021.1 in 4 divorces were among those age 65 or older.”

While we may be surprised to discover that an older generation is choosing to split, the bigger question seems to be—why?

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Between online research and my own observation after 30 years in divorce ministry, here are the top reasons:

People are living longer. 

While this is a good thing, it’s also causing us to rethink our lives. Older generations viewed being 66 as nearing the end of life. No longer. Today, it’s viewed more as midlife or, at the very least, “still young.”

It’s been miserable for a long time. 

Many have remained in a bad marriage without doing work to improve it. After the kids become adults, go off to college, or get married, the couple is faced with issues that have been swept under the rug for 30 years. It’s not uncommon that they no longer enjoy being with each other, and without the distractions of the kids, they want out.

The stigma is gone. 

In previous generations, people stayed together because getting divorced was embarrassing. That’s no longer the case. Adults do not view leaving a spouse as a shameful thing but rather as “I deserve to be happy.”

The abuse is no longer tolerable. 

If a spouse has remained in an abusive marriage due to fear or the desire for the kids to have an intact home, that spouse may feel they now have the tools or support to leave the marriage.

Women have more money. 

In past generations, men made substantially more income than women. Therefore, a woman may have felt she couldn’t leave. However, the opportunities for income have increased for women, which has given them the freedom to divorce.

The retirement of one spouse. 

When one spouse is now home all the time and the other is still working, it can change the couple’s dynamics. If the marriage was already on shaky ground, this could push it over the edge.

Pornography and infidelity have invaded the marriage. 

We often assume that pornography only affects the younger generation, but that is inaccurate. Many senior women discover their spouse has been addicted to porn for some time. This breaks the trust and foundation of the marriage, and if the husband refuses to stop, it can cause the union to crumble.

God is gone. 

Older generations viewed their vows before God as a sacred act of commitment. With the growing trend in the USA to turn away from God, faith, church, or holiness, many find no reason to stay committed to marriage. There is no accountability to others and no healthy fear of doing something wrong. They don’t believe there will be consequences to their actions.

I feel young again. 

For a season, my husband worked in a senior community in Florida. It was shocking to see the difference in how people acted as opposed to the same-aged seniors in my hometown. Because the setting strongly encouraged a “party atmosphere,” the seniors took on the persona of teenagers. They wanted to feel young again. While it provided great fun for them, I also noticed a negative side. As they lost their inhibitions and ran toward the fountain of youth, there was a significant increase in alcohol consumption and flirtation with those who weren’t their spouse. Suddenly, a very faithful spouse of forty years was looking at a new man or woman on the dance floor and desiring him/her to be more “fun” than the “old spouse.” For many, the move to a senior community went from a great experience to a disaster.

The Church doesn’t address real marital problems. 

For many years, I have tried to get church leadership to understand the unique issues people are facing today and how they differ from previous generations. These complexities include seniors.

It’s a second marriage. 

A whopping 86% of baby boomers born between 1957 and 1964 were remarried by age 46. This union usually created a stepfamily. And stepfamilies are more complicated than first-time marriages. A high remarriage rate among older populations is likely contributing to the gray divorce phenomenon, as the divorce rate is higher for remarried couples than first-time marriages. Put simply, research shows that more marriages equate to higher divorce rates, with over 60% of second marriages and 70% of third marriages ending in divorce.

When kids observe their parents' divorce, it affects their view of marriage. Now, the younger generations are witnessing grandma and grandpa getting divorced. This cultural change communicates to them that “marriage doesn’t work or last,” resulting in a high rate of cohabitation rather than marriage for the current generation. Simply put, they are afraid of the commitment.

Today, 30 percent of young adults ages 18-34 are married, but 40 years ago, in 1978, 59 percent of young adults were married.

Understanding why seniors are getting divorced can help us recognize the complexities they face. This should stir compassion rather than judgment.

This article originally appeared on Laura Petherbridge's blog. 

Related Resource: Rebuilding Us Podcast Q&A: I'm in a Sexless Marriage and Suffering Silently

Sexless marriages are on the rise, leaving both husband and wife frustrated, lonely, and hurt. Today's Rebuilding Us Podcast question comes from a listener who's been married for 30 years and sexless for one year. He describes in painful detail how his wife's rejection has him leaning toward divorce and how he is tempted consistently. This episode is not for the faint at heart. Listen in as I encourage this husband and anyone else who may be experiencing a sexless marriage how to overcome it and become free to enjoy the physical pleasure your marriage needs.

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Laura Petherbridge is an international speaker, author, and life coach. She has five books, When I Do Becomes I Don’t Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce, The Smart Stepmom (co-authored with Ron Deal), 101 Tips for The Smart Stepmom, Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul, and Seeking a Silent Night: Unwrapping a Stepfamily Christmas. Her appearances include: The Billy Graham Training Center, Lifeway, Focus on the Family, Family Life, MomLife Today, MOPS, Christianity Today, iBelieve, Crosswalk and Celebrate Kids to name a few. She can be reached at www.TheSmartStepmom.com.