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What Is the Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage?
- Katie T. Kennedy Contributing Writer
- Updated Sep 10, 2024
Who wouldn’t want to live in a blissful storybook marriage where everything runs smoothly and troubles can be cured with a kiss and a smile?
Of course, real life isn’t that simple. Life and marriage are filled with ups and downs, and marriages can have real problems. There is an enemy out there trying to terminate marriages. He longs to see God’s people divorced and families destroyed, thus destroying God’s design for growing the world and developing people. This is part of our Christian struggle.
How do we combat forces trying to divide? How do we have marriages built for the long haul? Not only do we want our marriages to last, we want them to be fruitful, loving, and filled with respect and enjoyment. Is that too much to ask? Is that even possible?
I know it is possible. I know God desires for your marriage to thrive. He wants the best for your marriage and family, it’s part of His plan. What are the secrets to a prosperous marriage? Let’s explore.
Take Your Vows Seriously
When a bride is in the throes of wedding planning, she can easily get wrapped up in the planning and forget to focus on the promise. Repeating the vows to our spouse in front of God is a serious commitment. They are not to be taken lightly. This is one of the most serious decisions and important promises a person will make in their life.
The vow states you will love and cherish each other for better or worse, richer or poorer from that date till death parts you. You are becoming one flesh. God intends for this decision to be permanent. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:9)
Whether you have been married for thirty years, or you are currently engaged, it’s imperative to reflect on your vows and remember the promise you made to your spouse and God. The world is comfortable with divorce, it has become commonplace. Satan is working hard to destroy Christian marriages. We need to recommit to our Christian marriages.
I pray our young couples take time considering what those vows mean and pray long and hard before they accept the commitment. Once that decision has been made, other than extreme circumstances, it’s for life.
Our throwaway society has become so accustomed to getting rid of the old and replacing with the new. Our marriages are not expendable. Marriages are critical to the health and wealth of our society and families. Healthy marriages are a gift. Take your vows seriously. Don’t take this decision lightly; when you commit, make sure you intend to enter into the relationship till death do you part.
Put God First
There is a rightful order to life, an authority structure given to us by God. In our upside-down world, the order gets a little muddled. The secret to a happy marriage is not to put your spouse first but to put God in His rightful spot. In the structure, God belongs at the top. While this seems counterintuitive, if God is in His rightful spot, everything else falls into place.
If you seek the Lord, He will draw you closer to your spouse. If you read your Bible and pray, He will soften our hearts when they harden. If you are truly following the Lord, He will keep you and your spouse on the straight and narrow.
“In all your ways submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:6)
This is His desire for your marriage. When you mess up, He will prick your conscience towards repentance.
We don’t have to guess how to treat our spouse. The Bible gives us direction and guidance; we must mediate on its words. When we slide off course, come back and get into the word. It will always be there waiting for us to return, and so will He.
God will always love us, even when we are a crummy spouse. Yet, our goal is to love our spouse the way God loves us. That is a high bar, and we will never be able to achieve it perfectly. However, why not set the bar high when it comes to your spouse, the most important person to you on this earth?
Serve
When we first get married, it’s easy for us to serve each other. As the years go by, responsibilities grow, and we will likely forget to do the little things for each other. Our to-do list, our kids, our jobs get in the way. We get so busy serving our kids, our boss, our co-workers, our parents, and even our pets, we have nothing left for our spouse.
I have been married for almost twenty years now, and I still must make a conscious effort to serve my husband, it’s a choice, and I don’t always choose right. It requires you to be attentive to your spouse’s routine, habits, preferences, and desires. It goes against our flesh to be others-centered.
Here is the key: if you suddenly start performing a bunch of thoughtful gestures for your spouse, don’t get bitter if they don’t return the favor or even notice. It’s not about tit for tat, it’s about showing the person you married that you haven’t forgotten about them, and that they matter to you. If serving your spouse is making you bitter and resentful, then take those feelings to Jesus and let Him examine your heart.
Serving isn’t about being recognized or thanked for your actions. Serve your spouse regardless of whether they show gratitude. When we can serve from a place of sharing God’s love with others, we don’t expect anything in return.
Learn How to Apologize
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
For some reason, apologizing to our spouse can be excruciatingly hard. It can be easier to forgive friends and people outside of our homes. It becomes more challenging once we look in at our own homes, especially for those of us, like myself, who are stubborn.
Forgiveness is a fundamental aspect of the Christian faith. We are called to ask for forgiveness and extend forgiveness. Sometimes, it’s easier to serve someone than to ask for forgiveness.
Asking for forgiveness humbles us. When we ask God to cleanse our sins, we acknowledge we sinned against Him and need His forgiveness. Coming to our spouse, recognizing our errors, and asking for forgiveness goes against our flesh but is critical to our relationship.
If no party in the marriage is ever willing to admit they messed up, it creates a chasm that will grow until someone humbles themselves. Don’t let that chasm deepen. Usually, our lack of forgiveness stems from pride.
C.S. Lewis called pride “the great sin.” Proverbs 11:2 says, “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”
We are all humans; we will make mistakes. Learning how to apologize will help keep our relationship with our spouse strong. Don’t let stubbornness or pride get in the way of your marriage flourishing. Learn how to say, “I’m sorry.”
Seek God
What’s the secret to a blissful, stable marriage...God. If both parties are truly and honestly seeking the Lord, He will guide your steps. “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 6:9
I’m not saying your life will be peaches and cream, and you will never hit a bump in the road. Wrong. You will experience trouble; it’s how you get through it that matters.
If both parties are seeking God, He will convict you when you mess up, He will continue to sanctify both spouses. I look back and reflect on the twenty-four-old version of myself and my husband and I marvel at how God has changed us. This change did not come from me, it was all God’s work and I am so thankful. Only God can change hearts.
Without God, the foundation of the marriage is missing. He is our rock, our cornerstone. As a couple, we need to build our house on His word, His truth, and His promises. Otherwise, our house is likely to crumble.
No one can guarantee you anything in life. I can’t promise your marriage will last forever; I can’t assure you good health. The only promise that will stand the test of time is that God will be with you, love you, and be there for you, no matter what happens. He promised that to Abraham, and that promise extends to you.
Happiness comes from knowing your marriage is not alone. There is all powerful, eternal God who is with you when you.
The secret (but not so secret) is God. Let Him reign and rule daily over your life and marriage. After all, our marriages, as designed by God, are meant to show His glory and bear fruit for His kingdom for all to see.
