What Should Submission Look Like in a Christian Marriage?

In the last century, the word submission as it relates to the male-female dynamic has become a controversial idea. Part of why people push back on the very idea is because there are many cases and situations where the idea of submission, particularly the submission of women to men, has been abused. A lot of suffering has happened in marriages because of this word.

When Paul wrote the instructions to women to submit to their spouses, he did not do it in a vacuum, with one line directing wives to submit to their husbands no matter what. Instead, it came in a broader context that was revolutionary, revealing that men and women are called to submit to one another as they both submit to Jesus Christ.

Submission in Biblical Context

While there are several spots in the Bible that define what the marriage relationship should look like, the primary one that gets cited is Ephesians 5:22, which says, “Wives, submit to your husbands…” In the Greek, the word that gets translated to submit is hupotassō. In its original use it could also be translated as, “‘To arrange under,’ originally a military term signifying placing oneself under a leader's authority” (Strongs). The idea here is that someone voluntarily places themselves under the authority of another for the sake of order, and for a bigger purpose.

To get more context and understand fully what Paul meant when he wrote this statement, it is important to look at the sentences around it as well. In context, the statement reads:

“And don’t get drunk with wine, which leads to reckless living, but be filled by the Spirit: speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making music with your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word” (Ephesians 5:18-26).

The bigger topic in this part of Paul’s letter is living the Christian life appropriately, how to have healthy relationships between believers, and what Christian marriage should look like. After he addresses wives, he addresses husbands.

Husbands and Wives

The expectation set by these verses is that women should submit themselves to their husbands like they do to the Lord, and all believers are to submit to one another, as seen in verse 21. Using the original military definitions of the Greek word hupotassō, the wife submits to her husband like lieutenants submit to generals in the military. It is for the purposes of having a stable family, of honoring the leadership role the husband is in, and for the glorification of God.

Because Christ submitted to the Father to die on the cross, women are called to submit to their husbands. What that means for each family may look a little different depending on the circumstances.

Husbands are called to love their wives the same way Christ loved the church. Christ died for the church. He demonstrated His love for people during His earthly ministry by healing the sick, telling them important truths, and loving them in the unique way that only God can. A husband should demonstrate that he loves his wife and not abuse her submission.

Spouses should also submit to one another in love, meaning one should not be bullying the other into always getting their way. Furthermore, a woman no longer belongs to herself, nor does the man belong to himself. They belong to each other. This idea is affirmed by Paul in a letter he wrote to the Corinthians,

“A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Do not deprive one another — except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer” (1 Corinthians 7:4-5b).

Everything about submission in marriage is based on mutual agreement and love. One of the primary purposes of marriage is for sanctification, as believers in a marital relationship should be edifying one another to be more like the Lord Jesus. Women should not become bitter, resentful, or spiteful, Men should not become withdrawn, angry, or bored in their relationship. They should work together to love one another more, and to grow in sanctification.

What Does Submission Not Mean?

Submission does not mean a wife should tolerate abuse, serial and unrepentant adultery, or abuse of the children. The charge to husbands to love their wives in the same way that Christ loved the church makes it clear that men are in violation of their appropriate role in the family when they use it for abuse. Nor should a church tell a woman she should stay in an abusive situation because she is to submit her husband.

If Jesus is the goal husbands should strive to meet, they should know that Jesus did not abuse people during His earthly ministry; in fact He was abused on behalf of the church - His bride. If Christ sacrificed for the church, husbands should do the same. They certainly should love their wife and children enough not to cause them injury.

Women also do not have the right to abuse their children or husbands, as the call in the Christian life is to love, to see people as God sees them, and to grow more like the Lord in character and behavior.

In cases of abuse, the safety of the victim should be the first priority of church members and leaders who become aware of it. Once that is established, next steps should be taken. If the law has been violated, then law enforcement should be involved. Churches need to be prayerful and careful. Many churches have been responsible for facilitating abuse by not assisting the victim, whether male or female, by telling the victim to just stay and submit. They should also value and seek the truth, and make sure they do not allow false allegations to become a catalyst for other problems. It is a difficult balancing act, which is why the church should be submitted to God and seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance when they are presented with difficult situations. 

Submit to Christ

Anytime there is conflict about how to interpret an instruction on how Christians should act, we must first look to the example of Jesus Christ. If all believers, men and women alike, are called to be sanctified and more like Him, they should model themselves and strive to be like Him in their marriage, and every aspect of their lives. Marriage is sacred, not just because it is a covenant, but because it is an image of the eternal relationship between Jesus and the church.

“Let us be glad, rejoice, and give him glory, because the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his bride has prepared herself. She was given fine linen to wear, bright and pure. For the fine linen represents the righteous acts of the saints. Then he said to me, ‘Write: Blessed are those invited to the marriage feast of the Lamb!’ He also said to me, ‘These words of God are true’” (Revelation 19:7-9).

Jesus promises to return for His bride soon, and Christian marriages should seek to live every day like He may return and share His truth while they still have time to share the Gospel and edify others. No one is perfect, but husbands and wives should extend patience and grace to one another, submitting to one another for the sake of Christ.

Sources

Bird, Jennifer. Marriage in the Bible. London: The Woman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc., 2023. 

Erickson, Richard. Commentary on Ephesians. Grand Rapids: Baker Publishing Group, 2012.

Strong, James. The New Strong's Expanded Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible (Red letter ed.). Nashville, Tenn.: Thomas Nelson, 2010

Photo credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

Bethany Verrett is a freelance writer who uses her passion for God, reading, and writing to glorify God. She and her husband have lived all over the country serving their Lord and Savior in ministry. She has a blog on graceandgrowing.com.

Originally published February 12, 2025.