What You Need to Know About Emotional Affairs and The Warning Signs
- Meg Bucher Author
- Updated Oct 25, 2024
“Let marriage be held in honor among all.” Hebrews 13:4a
Emotional affairs have become increasingly common, often forming in places where boundaries are blurred and personal connections deepen. There is a private space within each of us, known only to ourselves and God, where intentions and desires take root. It’s vital to ask for spiritual discernment to reveal any signs of deception that can cloud judgment and lead to compromised values. While friendships with the opposite sex may seem culturally acceptable, many marriages have unraveled due to the absence of clear boundaries. With the rise of technology, unique work environments, and fast-changing cultural norms, today’s marriages face a complex "recipe for moral confusion" that can make emotional boundaries harder to maintain. Let's dissect how emotional affairs can start, and the warning signs to look for.
What Is an Emotional Affair & Why Is it Wrong?
Hebrews 13:4 in its entirety reads: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
Typically, an emotional affair is a friendship that lacks appropriate boundaries for those in committed relationships or marriages. Statistically, half of these “friendships” turn into full-blown, physical affairs. “Almost all research tells us that affairs happen when friendships occur to meet an unmet need in a marriage,” wrote Mike and Trisha Fox. Scripture separates sexual immorality and adultery. “The Bible is very clear that adultery does NOT need to be sexual in nature,” Mike and Trisha Fox continued, “In fact, the sexual and physical act only proceeds what is already active adultery, unfaithfulness, and infidelity.” Matthew 5:28 warns, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Emotional affairs often take root when someone feels an unmet need for attention or emotional connection. Marriage, with all its pressures, can sometimes intensify these desires, especially between two imperfect people navigating life’s demands. Common catalysts for these connections include life changes such as a new job, a recent move, joining a new church, or even getting involved in new activities with children. With social networks like Facebook and Twitter at our fingertips, opportunities to build these emotional connections are more accessible than ever. When we don’t take care to set boundaries, we are susceptible to our natural tendency to wander in search of what we feel our spouse is lacking. An emotional affair occurs when a married individual forms a deep, ongoing emotional bond with someone other than their spouse or partner. This connection undermines the trust and intimacy within marriage.
9 Warning Signs of Emotional Affairs
When someone is involved in an emotional affair, it's common for their partner to sense a shift in their connection. The familiar closeness and intimacy they once shared may feel different, leaving one partner with the unsettling feeling that something is off. Here are nine clear signs to help us decide whether or not a gut feeling about an emotional affair could be true.
Sign #1: Secrecy
Keeping aspects of one’s life hidden from a partner can be harmful to the trust that forms the foundation of a marriage. Unlike a platonic friendship, an emotional affair involves secrecy, creating a hidden space that can erode the openness and security in a relationship. Hiding or deleting text messages, putting the phone or laptop screen down when your spouse is around or planned alone time or extra work hours with the same “friend” are stout warning signs of an emotional affair.
Sign #2: Romantic Feelings
Instead of sticking out tough seasons with our spouse, we are tempted to wander into the scene of the happily ever after we feel we deserve. Sharing feelings with a friend that are reserved for two people joined in marriage is a sign of an emotional affair. In an emotional affair, a person develops a deep sense of closeness with the other person, often accompanied by growing romantic or sexual tension.
Sign #3: Spending Less Time with Our Partner
Disengaging with our spouse in order to spend time with someone else knocks married life out of balance. You find yourself anticipating time with someone other than your spouse. It’s inevitable to feel less connected to our spouses if we aren’t prioritizing enough time to spend with them, leaving a big gaping hole to be filled by another relationship.
Sign #4: Talking about Your Personal Life
You find yourself able to relax and confide in someone else, turning to them to share details about your day, personal issues, or everyday experiences rather than with your spouse. If we can picture our spouse’s disapproval over information we are sharing, it should be kept private. Gossip and criticism about our spouse should be off-limits in friendships with the opposite sex.
Sign #5: Seeking Attention Outside of Your Partner
When we don’t get the attention we want from our spouses, it leaves us feeling lonely and neglected. Instead of talking it out with our partners, we can be easily tempted, and feel justified, to find what we are looking for in someone else. When you feel your spouse doesn't fulfill your need for attention, validation, or affection, you may begin to seek these connections with others.
Sign #6: Physical Touch
The physical attraction to anyone other than our spouses is a warning sign. Platonic friendships with opposite-sex require appropriate boundaries. Just like lingering eye contact can spark sexual feelings, so can physical touch. Hugs, and even shaking hands or putting arms around each other. Regardless of the level of affection shared at home, it's essential to establish a separate boundary for interactions with members of the opposite sex.
Sign #7: Lingering Eye-Contact
A prolonged or intense gaze can create a sense of connection that might stir unexpected emotions in one or both individuals. This form of eye contact, especially if it would feel out of place or uncomfortable with someone other than your spouse, may indicate boundaries are being tested. Maintaining such personal eye contact exclusively with your spouse can help safeguard the intimacy reserved for your marriage, as even seemingly small actions, like a lingering gaze, can subtly shift a friendship into a deeper, more emotionally charged connection.
Sign #8: Imagining a Different Life or Changing Appearance
Affairs don't begin with physical actions; they start with thoughts. Going so far as to start imagining a new life with someone other than our spouses is dangerous territory. If we or our spouses suddenly change the course of our dreams, hobbies or appearance, it could be a warning. An abrupt shift in attention to physical appearance, along with other warning signs, could be an indication of deeper issues at play.
Sign #9: Excessive Criticism
Excessively criticizing or comparing our spouse is an emotional red flag. Be careful to note if they, or we, become defensive when questioned about this behavior. It’s unreasonable to expect it won’t happen often in marriage, but an emotional affair could be looming when these behaviors are coupled with other signs on this list.
What Does the Bible Say about Emotional Infidelity?
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23
We can protect our hearts from emotional affairs by yielding them completely to our Heavenly Father. We must be diligent in asking God to search and renew our hearts. Only He knows the full agenda lying in the depths of our hearts. Prayerfully we can ask Him to alert us and cleanse us of hidden sin. Psalm 51:10 says, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit in me.”(NAS) When God sits on the throne of our hearts, and we remain connected to Him through prayer and time in His word, He will guard our hearts. Jesus told us “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21)
We must ask ourselves, “Does this relationship inspire you to obey Christ or turn away from him?” asked Ellen Mary Dykas in her article, “Beware Emotional Affairs.” “Does this relationship propel you toward your spouse, or away?” Scripture says, in our weakness He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9). “In the best of circumstances, in the best of relationships, we all have a place inside that longs for ‘more,’” wrote Ben Wilson, “That ‘more’ points us to God and His Kingdom. When we seek to satisfy the ‘more’ in the now we miss the mark, causing pain to our own soul and those who love us.”
The #1 Way to Prevent an Emotional Affair
“She caught him by his garment, saying, ‘Lie with me!’ And he left his garment in her hand and fled, and went outside.” Genesis 39:12 NAS
RUN. That’s what Joseph did when Potifer’s wife cornered him. If all our preventative measures have failed, or we’ve failed to take any, run without hesitation. It’s never too late to barricade our hearts before we do something with irreversible consequences. Those precautions and guards are boundaries. Crossing boundaries can happen more easily than you might expect. That’s why setting clear limits with friends of the opposite sex is essential—not only to protect your heart but also to safeguard the trust and unity within your marriage.
God places us purposefully, in communities and church congregations where we work alongside others for His glory and His kingdom. But keep a sharp eye for the behavioral signs discussed here today, and pray for God-led boundaries in friendships with the opposite sex. No one ever walks down the aisle on their wedding day imagining the possibility of an emotional, or full-blown physical affair. But the increased rate at which they are happening proves we need to be on guard more than ever to protect the sacred vows we promised to each other.
Prayer for Emotional Devotion
Father,
Guard our hearts against the things we can’t see, and the lines we are tempted to cross. Renew our desire for Your will over our own dreams. Reassure us we are loved enough by You to cover any neglect from our spouses and give us the gumption to seek counsel to save our marriages. Bring to the front of our minds and top of our hearts the purpose of marriage: to be able to accomplish more for Your Kingdom than we could alone. Throw out the fairy tale notions of warm and fuzzy feelings as the bedrock of our marriages, and instead re-build them on the firm foundation of Your perfect love. A love we don’t always understand, but can fully trust. Let our marriages be full of honesty, sincerity, and passion for Jesus. We trust that when our marriages are aligned with Your will and we are both fully seeking Jesus, our marriages will be more than we could have ever asked for or dreamed of. So, stop us. Save us. Search, cleanse, and restore our hearts. Defend and shield us with boundaries formed in the truth of Your Word. Let all we do, honor You.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
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