Wives, Stop Trying to Change Your Husbands
- Keren Kanyago Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
- Published Sep 15, 2022
Hands up if you have fallen prey to this habit more times than you can count - the incessant urge to change your husband. For me, it's asking him to ditch his outgoing personality for a more introverted one (like mine). It's prevailing upon him to chug down an array of concoctions, green juices, and smoothies to have him adopt a healthier lifestyle. It is cautioning him to be "more careful" while playing with our children, yet they were having the time of their lives.
Many wives spend a decent amount of time trying to change their husbands. From my experience, this doesn't work and is not worth the effort. But above all, it's not the will of God for wives to spend every waking moment trying to change their husbands. But please don't get me wrong; this does not mean that wives cannot correct their husbands or offer advice. Far from it. Your husband often needs your advice and redirection. But your opinion should not demean his personality. It should be respectful.
"Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)
Wives are commanded to respect their husbands. Trying to modify your husband's identity doesn't spell respect. On the contrary, your husband feels judged, misunderstood, and rejected. His ego gets bruised. Remember, this is someone you are commanded to not only respect but to submit to - as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). It is therefore not in your place to try and tweak the person he is. When tempted to change your spouse, here are five things to remember.
1. Only God Can Change a Man (or Woman)
"The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord, like the rivers of water, He turns it wherever He wishes." (Proverbs 21:1)
Perhaps you have tried prevailing upon your husband to ditch a particular habit, but he keeps returning to it. It frustrates you to the core, and you wonder what else you can do to cause a change of heart. Thankfully, your husband's heart is in the hand of God (and not yours). Only God can redirect his heart. He is, after all, the one who formed his inward parts (including his heart ) and covered him in his mother's womb (Psalm 139:13).
No amount of pestering and nagging will make your husband change. If he does, he will most likely do it resentfully, which is counterproductive for your marriage. As such, the best person to talk to when you desperately desire any form of change in your husband is God.
And rest assured that God is an expert in redirecting the hearts of men. No heart is too stubborn for him to redirect. In the Old Testament, we see God promising the Israelites that He would remove the heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 11:19). David also prayed that God would create in him a clean heart (Psalm 51:10). It is best to leave the "heart business" to God. He is an expert.
2. You Can Model The Change You Desire
"Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear." (1 Peter 3:1-2).
Lucy longed for the day her husband David would join her and the kids for their evening Bible study. David would be on his computer working. Lucy appreciated that he held a busy job and often had to carry work home. Instead of nagging him, she prayed that God would free him up to join their study. Seeing Lucy's devotion to teaching the kids God's Word, David started getting restless. He resolved never to miss the Bible study; his work could wait. Lucy didn't have to utter a word to him. Her gentle conduct caused her husband's change of heart.
Sometimes silence is the game changer. Most men don't like when their wives dictate what to do or how to behave. King Solomon observed that it was better to dwell in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman (Proverbs 21:9). Nagging and pestering is a complete turn-off to most men. They retract into their shells like a turtle. On the contrary, men are stirred to do the right thing when they spot their wives modeling the same.
3. You Risk Breaking His Trust in You
"The heart of her husband safely trusts her, So he will have no lack of gain." (Proverbs 31: 11)
Let's face it, it's a brutal world out there, and your husband contends many challenges. A failed work project, self-doubt, peer pressure, betrayal, and financial constraints, among many more. Did you know that you are his haven from the raging storm? He wants to be vulnerable and open his heart to you.
However, if he opens up and you start judging him and urging him to change, best believe that he will seal up his heart faster than you can say, "I am sorry." The trust he had in you goes out the window, and he can no longer share his fears, hopes, and dreams. Ultimately, you lose his trust.
4. Appreciate Your Differences
"With all lowliness and gentleness, with long-suffering, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:2)
I guard a very fragile heart, but I am glad my husband has one made of steel. Whereas I easily get overwhelmed when too much is happening around me, he remains unaffected. In my moments of weakness, he becomes my pillar. He appreciates my sensitivity because I tend to be highly perceptive. I have often yanked him out of unfruitful projects besides cautioning him against people who didn't mean well. And yet, at times, our differences are the cause of friction between us.
Life would be bland and uninspiring if we were all the same. The lone ranger is as crucial as the social butterfly. As a couple, your differences help you complement each other and add color to your marriage. Instead of trying to change your husband, appreciate the value his traits add to your marriage. He, too, should do the same.
5. Choose Unconditional Love
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
It doesn't take long for married couples to realize that love is not merely a feeling but a decision. A new chapter in marriage unfolds after the wedding and honeymoon thrill are over. Love is no longer a euphoric feeling but a conscious decision. The kind of love prescribed in 1 Cor 13 is not smooth sailing either. It anticipates some bumps in the road. It calls for you to suffer long, not seek your own way, and to bear all things. This kind of love does not ask you to devise ways of changing your husband. It asks you to accept him with his shortcomings and love him unconditionally.
