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10 Ways to Ensure You Don't Raise Narcissistic Children
- Amanda Idleman Contributing Writer
- Published Oct 26, 2022
Narcissism is a personality trait where arrogance, selfishness, and vanity define a person. Sadly narcissism is on the rise—our self-obsessed culture. Social media, music, YouTube, and more have shifted to a much more self-focused culture than a compassionate and communal one. Parenting is already a tough job, but the complexity of navigating media's influence on our children's lives and shapes their personalities is an extra challenge!
There is hope; we still have the chance to shape our children by teaching them how to live with empathy and modeling a less self-focused way of living. For many of us, we have to break away from some of our over-protective Momma-Bear instincts to help our children see how they fit in the world in a more healthy way—allowing them to experience the weight of their own consequences and resist the urge to praise them for work not done well.
More than anything, as Christian parents, we need to pray over our children's hearts and minds daily. Teach and model for them the message of Jesus, which calls us to care for others! God is faithful to help us parent the next generation in a counter-cultural way.
Here are a few practical tips on how not to raise a narcissistic child:
1. Enforce the Completion of Chores in Your Home
The first place we are taught to live in a community that God calls us to serve is the home. Our families are where our kids are taught how to one day be husbands, wives, parents, workers, and more! I know, at times, it can feel easier as a Mom to just "get the work done" rather than enforce and enlist the help of our children but what is more valuable than efficiency is the teachable moment. Mom, you are not the only one responsible for caring for your home and children.
Every person who lives with you has a duty to serve their family unit. For little ones, this can be as simple as having them stack their shoes into the proper location, put tupperware away from the dishwasher, or let the dog out to go potty. As our kids get older, the responsibility should grow. They can help with childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, and yard work. Knowing that our lives together take stewardship and effort is something that should be taught from a young age.
2. Help Your Child Build Deep, Meaningful Friendships
Because we are all running a million miles a minute, finding space for our children to make real, meaningful friendships can be hard. I mean the kind of friends that regularly eat dinner at your house, come on vacation with you, and you spend years investing in. These relationships require empathy, loyalty, and investment. Encouraging them to stick close to a friend through the ups and downs of growing up helps them practice unconditional love and empathy.
3. Practice Serving Others as a Family
Giving and expecting nothing in return is a powerful lesson for your kids to learn. Make practicing some sort of community service a part of your family's rhythm. You could volunteer as a family at your local church on Sundays or get involved in other non-profits in the community. This practice is so emotionally rewarding for your family and teaches that serving others has intrinsic value.
4. Set Proper Boundaries in Your Home
Saying 'no' is not fun but is one of the most healthy things you can do for your children. Life is full of boundaries. We must obey traffic laws, learn the rules of a sport, listen to teachers to learn, and on and on the list goes. Don't differ from other adults to be the ones that have to do the hard work of showing your child that respecting boundaries is an important part of life. When they refuse to obey the boundaries you set, allow them to face the consequences. This is vital in growing respectful humans.
5. Read Together
Reading grows empathy and understanding in your home. Stories expose us to other worlds, experiences, and types of people. Read aloud to your child in order to expand their mind and grow empathy for those who may face lives that hold different challenges than their own.
6. Monitor What Is Influencing Them
We have to be relentlessly involved in our kids' social lives. If we allow our kids to use technology, we need to monitor how they use it. We need to listen closely when they talk about their friends, teachers, and more. It's our job to help protect them from dangerous people and ideas. Pray that God will protect their minds and hearts in this very complex world.
7. Talk about Equality
Our kids are not naturally aware of the complexities that shape our world. When they ask about a homeless person, share with them how our world struggles under the weight of inequality, mental illness, and more. As a child with loving parents and a home, you are extremely privileged. Help them to see how they are called to leverage some of the blessings they have been given on behalf of those who do not have the same opportunities or face hurdles such as systematic racism and more!
8. Tell Your Kids You Love Them
This is probably the easiest way to help positively shape our kids! Just express your love for them. Don't over-praise them for things they haven't earned. Just tell them they are valuable and loved for who they are. The comfort and confidence given from growing up in a safe, loving environment help your child to build healthy self-esteem.
The idea is not to tell them they are overly special or unique but that they are loved for who God created them to be. Loved because they are your child. This unconditional love is a source of strength your child will rely on for their lifetime.
9. Build a Strong Work Ethic in Them
So much of our culture is instant! We can instantly choose a movie we'd like to watch (commercial-free), we can go through a drive-through to get yummy food quickly, and Amazon will deliver something you want to your door fast! It's real work to help our kids learn that many worthwhile things take real effort to obtain. Sports are a great way to help your child learn how to push their bodies to achieve a goal. Working around the neighborhood to earn money helps them see that money is not actually free. It is vital to encourage them not to give up when they face an academic challenge. When life gets hard, they need to see that effort is required to make it through and that the world does not in fact revolve around them alone.
10. Avoid Overdoing the 'You Are Special' Narrative
Of course, we know our kids are special, but the idea that they deserve special treatment or are an exception to the rules is not a healthy worldview for your kids. While they are 'fearfully and wonderfully made, they are also called to a life of service and have to contend with a sinful nature. They need to be able to accept that they are a person with strengths and weaknesses. As much as we want them to know they are special, we also want them to know that it's okay when they struggle or fail.
We are not designed to live our lives for ourselves. We are created with the mission to love our neighbor as Christ loves them (John 15), and our narcissistic culture is selling us a lie that being self-focused is somehow more rewarding. As Believers, we learn that it is better to give than to receive, that in our weakness, God is glorified, and serving one another in love is the mission of our lives. We must be intentional about sharing these truths with the next generation, as our culture tells them that self-love is the ultimate path to a happy life.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Drazen Zigic
