Grandparenting through Chronic Illness

When schools were closed due to COVID, I volunteered to teach her "Grandma School"--my version of kindergarten. I did a lot of research to determine what she needed to learn before first grade. I would make up a lesson plan for every day, covering eight subjects, including Bible. I was several weeks into this structure until homeschool moms laughed and told me I was doing too much. So I backed off a bit and left more time for outdoor experiential projects, always weaving Bible stories into each lesson and conversation.

On January 1, 2022, I contracted COVID like the rest of my household, but for some reason, I was the one who was left with lingering symptoms that turned into Long COVID. God is sovereign and has a plan for all of it, but it has upended my family, especially my relationship with Avery. Since she was two, she has spent the entire weekend with me and Grandpa, so there has been no hiding what has been happening with Grandma. There are a number of things God is showing me in this, and I share them with you if you are trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your grandchild despite chronic illness or disability.

Emphasizing That God Is Good and in Control

My inability to run around and do lots of play has been going on for about a year, so it shouldn't be a surprise to Avery when she comes over. But each time she does, she's certain I've healed, and everything will be back to normal. So instead of focusing on her disappointment, I try to get her attention on God and what He has done this week in her life and mine.

Accepting Her Advice, Even if it's Emotionally Painful

Avery's parents don't believe I have Long Covid and that if I just got off the couch and ran around the block,I would be fine. They have never said that to me, but it comes through in what she says to me. She doesn't say them nicely, so I have to ask the Holy Spirit to help filter out what is a concern and what is pain that she doesn't have her Grandma "back." Then I try to redirect her and tell her she still needs to be respectful.

Enlisting The Help of Family Members

Before I got sick, I wanted to be the one to do everything. If something needed to be done with or for Avery (especially playing), I did it. I had to learn to enlist my husband, daughter, and other family members to ensure she wasn't sitting around watching Grandma struggling. I don't think it's bad for young children to witness suffering, but there is only so much they can see before it becomes mentally and emotionally damaging.

Trying to Keep Everything Else as Normal as Possible

Just because I can't go somewhere doesn't mean she can't. She still goes to church and Sunday School with her Grandpa and Aunt. She needs to be surrounded by our church family, who pray for her and ensure she is doing okay. Grandpa also keeps her on a regular schedule of her area playgrounds so she can play with friends and then come back and tell me what she did.

Teaching My Granddaughter That Jesus Calls Us to Serve

When my daughter was nine years old, my mother had a stroke that left her partially paralyzed and in a wheelchair until she passed 14 years later. My daughter grew up a lot in that time–mostly for the good. She learned that serving in Jesus' name was the most important thing you could do with your time. Now I will ask my granddaughter to do something for me, e.g., get something from the refrigerator, and I'll make a big deal about how God must be smiling for her kindness to me. I'll reinforce that Jesus came to serve and not be served.

Coming Up with Creative Ways to Play From The Couch

My daughter told me there is a book about parents who have chronic illness (or are just exhausted) and how they "play from the couch." I have not read it, but it's what my granddaughter and I do often. She can build a "couch fort" around me; we can play any board game, charades, pretend, etc. Grandpa gets to do outdoor play with her. I'm working on how to be a "couch ninja," but she insists that a true ninja has to be on their feet.

Praying Together

More than once, I've been asked why God has not answered our prayer for healing and why we bother to pray. It has led to good yet painful conversations. Painful because I'm the one who wants to know more than anyone what God is doing. We talk about God's sovereignty and love being the most powerful force in the universe. We thank Jesus for suffering for us and talk about how He tells us that we will suffer, but He will never leave us or give up on us. For my sake, we talk especially about Romans 8:28 and how He will use this for His glory and my eternal good.

Controlling Emotions

Avery has seen me cry many times before all of this. She knows that I cry at the commercials on TV that show soldiers returning from battle and surprising their kids. I cry when I read the birthday cards my husband gives me. I cry when I see someone in need. But these days, she's unfortunately seen me cry because it's hard to go through this and not know how long it will last.

I try not to expose her to my emotions, but I explain that I don't just cry; I cry out to our God, who is always near, hears our hurts, and comforts us in His perfect love.

Giving Her Outlets For Her Feelings

Unfortunately, Avery is going through other things at home, so our home has always been the place where she can talk about her parent's divorce. These are always top-of-mind for her, not my situation, so I need to be mindful of what is happening in her life, not just in mine. I need to ask if there is anything she wants to talk about and read clues from the way she plays about what she needs. And, of course, we need to go to God with all of it.

Not Allowing Yourself to Crash and Burn From Guilt

At the start of this, I would still keep playing like we always did, but then I would physically and mentally crash and burn from the effort. I was so afraid of not being me and her seeing me that way that I jeopardized my healing. I don't do that anymore, but I know that's one reason she asks if I'm really sick when she comes over now. Because "sometimes Grandma can" is very confusing.

Not Spoiling From Guilt

A certain Grandpa in our house (who shall remain nameless) buys Avery a new toy practically every time she is with us. I know he intends to show her love, normalize her time with us and distract her, so I don't say much. But I try to make sure that she "earns" her allowance to have a toy by doing things like keeping her room organized and helping with other little projects.

It's been a very difficult year, but I know God doesn't waste a hurt. I know He is working on this, giving me the strength to "count it all joy" and persevere. I pray for anyone who is heartbroken because they can't play or hang out with their grandchildren as they used to. Please know that the love you have shown them their whole lives has impacted their hearts and minds. And please know that the most important thing we can do with and for our grandchildren is to pray God's Word back to Him, counting on His precious promises through Jesus.

*Writer's note: for this article, I used "Avery" as a pseudonym.